Comments for PreacherMike http://preachermike.com Sniffing out the work of God in the world... Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:56:06 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Holly Kirby http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87541 Holly Kirby Thu, 09 Feb 2012 00:56:06 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87541 Mike, How powerfully your words have spoken to my heart today! Three weeks ago, we lost a boy in our little town who was one of my seventh graders and a friend of my own child for the last eight years. I have had no idea how to process any of this myself... never mind explaining anything or "comforting" anyone else. Except this: I am better for having known and loved this child. Watching his parents exhibit faith far beyond understanding, I have learned to hold my own kids a little tighter, to speak with far more love than correction, and to treasure every tiny thing... even forgotten homework and, yes, spilled milk. Your words today (and yesterday) have come at such a critical time here in my own grief. Thank you for speaking so honestly and faithfully, especially to those of us who juggle words so clumsily in times of such pain. Many, many years ago, your sweet Megan touched my life, too, as Kay Trader Stacy used to bring her along on some of the Learning to Lead activities when I was a counselor at ACU's summer camps. One day, we took the kids to observe/pet a bunch of sheep. I was amazed at Megan... watching her reach out to feel life and grab ahold. She didn't know me, but she touched me... literally reached out and grabbed my arm. She hung on, leaned her head in toward me, and I just held on, too. I'll never forget that touch/grab from Megan as we were watching those dirty, smelly sheep. Somehow, her touch said something about how much God loved me, a completely unworthy mess of a lamb, and I've never forgotten that. Just as I think of my student, I am better for having known Megan and having had that moment to treasure all these years. Mike,
How powerfully your words have spoken to my heart today! Three weeks ago, we lost a boy in our little town who was one of my seventh graders and a friend of my own child for the last eight years. I have had no idea how to process any of this myself… never mind explaining anything or “comforting” anyone else. Except this: I am better for having known and loved this child. Watching his parents exhibit faith far beyond understanding, I have learned to hold my own kids a little tighter, to speak with far more love than correction, and to treasure every tiny thing… even forgotten homework and, yes, spilled milk. Your words today (and yesterday) have come at such a critical time here in my own grief. Thank you for speaking so honestly and faithfully, especially to those of us who juggle words so clumsily in times of such pain.
Many, many years ago, your sweet Megan touched my life, too, as Kay Trader Stacy used to bring her along on some of the Learning to Lead activities when I was a counselor at ACU’s summer camps. One day, we took the kids to observe/pet a bunch of sheep. I was amazed at Megan… watching her reach out to feel life and grab ahold. She didn’t know me, but she touched me… literally reached out and grabbed my arm. She hung on, leaned her head in toward me, and I just held on, too. I’ll never forget that touch/grab from Megan as we were watching those dirty, smelly sheep. Somehow, her touch said something about how much God loved me, a completely unworthy mess of a lamb, and I’ve never forgotten that. Just as I think of my student, I am better for having known Megan and having had that moment to treasure all these years.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Amy Boone http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87540 Amy Boone Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:12:27 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87540 Mike, I'm glad you brought up that point about the privilege we have in America and how losing a child is more common in some other places of the world. I haven't actually heard anyone really say that, but I have mulled this thought recently in light of the deaths of several children I know. I wondered if the grief of losing a child is the same in Abilene, TX or Kenya, but that the loneliness of the parents might be different. As you said, most of us will not experience the loss of a child, but in some places, even though the grief is still engulfing, there are friends who have walked that path to grieve with you in a kindred spirit way. Instead of ever being tempted to say to friends who have lost a child that I understand, I'm generally most inclined to say that I have no earthly idea what they are going through. This is a really great post. Thanks. Mike, I’m glad you brought up that point about the privilege we have in America and how losing a child is more common in some other places of the world. I haven’t actually heard anyone really say that, but I have mulled this thought recently in light of the deaths of several children I know. I wondered if the grief of losing a child is the same in Abilene, TX or Kenya, but that the loneliness of the parents might be different. As you said, most of us will not experience the loss of a child, but in some places, even though the grief is still engulfing, there are friends who have walked that path to grieve with you in a kindred spirit way. Instead of ever being tempted to say to friends who have lost a child that I understand, I’m generally most inclined to say that I have no earthly idea what they are going through. This is a really great post. Thanks.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by qb http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87539 qb Wed, 08 Feb 2012 23:00:27 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87539 qb can't add anything to what's been said, but Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death (MEND) is an organization specifically devoted to those who have miscarried, delivered a stillborn baby, or watched their infant children die, all of whom experience that distinct form of tragedy in which no one else has a relationship with the deceased. May God comfort them and all of you. qb qb can’t add anything to what’s been said, but Mothers Enduring Neonatal Death (MEND) is an organization specifically devoted to those who have miscarried, delivered a stillborn baby, or watched their infant children die, all of whom experience that distinct form of tragedy in which no one else has a relationship with the deceased. May God comfort them and all of you.

qb

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Michele VanRheenen Westerholm http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87538 Michele VanRheenen Westerholm Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:50:20 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87538 I happened to see your blog yesterday when a friend reposted it on facebook, and I'm glad I did! Jenna just had her third death anniversary a few weeks ago, so I have been thinking alot about the things people say. I think now I can give people more grace when they say things, because I know the courage that it takes to say anything at all. When someone tells me a precious Jenna memory, it floods my heart with happiness! I happened to see your blog yesterday when a friend reposted it on facebook, and I’m glad I did! Jenna just had her third death anniversary a few weeks ago, so I have been thinking alot about the things people say. I think now I can give people more grace when they say things, because I know the courage that it takes to say anything at all. When someone tells me a precious Jenna memory, it floods my heart with happiness!

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Paul and Jean http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87537 Paul and Jean Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:48:05 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87537 The comment by Amy reminded me "anticipatory grief" which I had never thought of until grief became so real to us. To me, there is a drastic difference in going through the agony of watching a child struggle with life and then lose - especially when the loss is anticipated and the sudden, without warning loss like we had in the automobile accident. Both are devastating but each has its own issues to be confronted. To those who are grieving, especially early on, let it all hang out, Cry and cry some more and then cry again. Let your emotions explode otherwise the pressure can be deadly. Keep on Mike. Spread the word. The comment by Amy reminded me “anticipatory grief” which I had never thought of until grief became so real to us. To me, there is a drastic difference in going through the agony of watching a child struggle with life and then lose – especially when the loss is anticipated and the sudden, without warning loss like we had in the automobile accident. Both are devastating but each has its own issues to be confronted. To those who are grieving, especially early on, let it all hang out, Cry and cry some more and then cry again. Let your emotions explode otherwise the pressure can be deadly.
Keep on Mike. Spread the word.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by K. Rex Butts http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87536 K. Rex Butts Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:39:55 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87536 The only time I ever remember getting mad at a comment made about our son's passing was when I was told that "God probably took my son because he wasn't ready for me to be a parent." I remember the moment clearly. I just paused for about ten or so seconds that then bluntly responded, "If that's the case then God failed because I'll always be a parent to my son and he'll always be my child." I then walked away. Ironically, I was then told that I needed to be a little more understanding. The only time I ever remember getting mad at a comment made about our son’s passing was when I was told that “God probably took my son because he wasn’t ready for me to be a parent.”

I remember the moment clearly. I just paused for about ten or so seconds that then bluntly responded, “If that’s the case then God failed because I’ll always be a parent to my son and he’ll always be my child.”

I then walked away. Ironically, I was then told that I needed to be a little more understanding.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Mike http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87535 Mike Wed, 08 Feb 2012 21:19:53 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87535 Amy - That's such a wonderful Megan moment. And "E" -- somehow I missed your comment earlier. You, my dear, were part of our family. You were the other child. Megan's love for you was profound (as yours was for her). I remember the next year, I tried to speak about her life and death at the Candlelight devotional. I knew it would be hard for me; I (unfortunately!) didn't think about how you'd be out there listening. Amy – That’s such a wonderful Megan moment.

And “E” — somehow I missed your comment earlier. You, my dear, were part of our family. You were the other child. Megan’s love for you was profound (as yours was for her). I remember the next year, I tried to speak about her life and death at the Candlelight devotional. I knew it would be hard for me; I (unfortunately!) didn’t think about how you’d be out there listening.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Amy Songer http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87534 Amy Songer Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:58:22 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87534 Mike, thank you so much for writing on these sensitive topics. I appreciate this so much as we are walking through this very thing with a friend who is expecting to loose their 3 year old daughter to a very rare form of cancer at any time. Please do continue - I will look forward to the future posts. They are truly helpful. Do you remember my Megan story? The crayon falling from the "heavens" at College Church of Christ - right into the center of my bible? I still get a chuckle out of that! Blessings, Amy Mike, thank you so much for writing on these sensitive topics. I appreciate this so much as we are walking through this very thing with a friend who is expecting to loose their 3 year old daughter to a very rare form of cancer at any time. Please do continue – I will look forward to the future posts. They are truly helpful.

Do you remember my Megan story? The crayon falling from the “heavens” at College Church of Christ – right into the center of my bible? I still get a chuckle out of that!

Blessings,
Amy

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Max http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87533 Max Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:44:33 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87533 Thanks for another great post, Mike, and for sharing some suggested To Do's as well as honestly laying out the Not To Do's. Have to concur that when I've said the dumbest things, they were coming from a place of focusing entirely on "me," "my theology" or "my issues," though I may have been the last to know it, or realize it, at the time. However well-meaning it might have been, it's the worst possible time and way to be 'selfish.' Seems like true loss raises such deep and anxious questions in all of us- even the 'outside' observers- that we're just not accustomed or prepared to sit with it. At least not until we can consciously let go of that anxiety... which it seems like we must do to even sit beside a loved one in grief... or, obviously, if it is "our own," and its omnipresence forces us to sit and look at it, without allowing retreat. I'm not a member of the club. My only overlap might be the loss of what was hoped-for in childbearing, as it seems that after 10 years of joyous, healthy and God-filled marriage, we won't likely be able to have any children of our own. It doesn't compare, and barely overlaps, but it is very real to me. So, I also appreciated what was said about the grief of what could have been, but wasn't, being a very real (if different) grief. Thanks for another great post, Mike, and for sharing some suggested To Do’s as well as honestly laying out the Not To Do’s.
Have to concur that when I’ve said the dumbest things, they were coming from a place of focusing entirely on “me,” “my theology” or “my issues,” though I may have been the last to know it, or realize it, at the time. However well-meaning it might have been, it’s the worst possible time and way to be ‘selfish.’ Seems like true loss raises such deep and anxious questions in all of us- even the ‘outside’ observers- that we’re just not accustomed or prepared to sit with it. At least not until we can consciously let go of that anxiety… which it seems like we must do to even sit beside a loved one in grief… or, obviously, if it is “our own,” and its omnipresence forces us to sit and look at it, without allowing retreat.
I’m not a member of the club. My only overlap might be the loss of what was hoped-for in childbearing, as it seems that after 10 years of joyous, healthy and God-filled marriage, we won’t likely be able to have any children of our own. It doesn’t compare, and barely overlaps, but it is very real to me. So, I also appreciated what was said about the grief of what could have been, but wasn’t, being a very real (if different) grief.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Mike http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87532 Mike Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:19:58 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87532 Oh, eddy, thanks for that. That's a good "inside" designation. That's just wonderful. When you say theologically stupid things at emotionally insensitive times, you've earned the title of "idiot." However . . . the intentions were good (which is, of course, what I was trying to point out in the first post). Oh, eddy, thanks for that. That’s a good “inside” designation. That’s just wonderful.

When you say theologically stupid things at emotionally insensitive times, you’ve earned the title of “idiot.” However . . . the intentions were good (which is, of course, what I was trying to point out in the first post).

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Mike http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87531 Mike Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:17:03 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87531 Rick and Dane - I'm so sorry you both understand so well. But you do. You've put it so well. Our three daughters are, indeed, "safe in the arms of Jesus." But life is out of kilter (as you say, Rick). And we desperately would like to have them back (thanks for that, Dane). Rick and Dane – I’m so sorry you both understand so well. But you do. You’ve put it so well. Our three daughters are, indeed, “safe in the arms of Jesus.” But life is out of kilter (as you say, Rick). And we desperately would like to have them back (thanks for that, Dane).

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by eddy http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87530 eddy Wed, 08 Feb 2012 20:15:18 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87530 Being told "I know why this happened" less than thirty minutes after baby died prompted me to mentally reference some folks as IWGI (Idiots with good intentions). Being told “I know why this happened” less than thirty minutes after baby died prompted me to mentally reference some folks as IWGI (Idiots with good intentions).

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Dane Altman http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87529 Dane Altman Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:55:44 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87529 Mike, Nicely done. Very good advice. People mean well, I know, but some of their comments to us really angered me. A parent losing their child needs to walk the journey, experience the feelings and emotions and be able to grieve. We can't hurry it up just because someone says, "You know, Kristin is happy now and wouldn't come back if she could." I know she's happy, I know she wouldn't come back, but it still does not take away the fact I miss her, I want her back desperately. And yes, yes, yes, when others want to talk about Kristin that's a good thing. Sure we may tear up, but our greatest fear is that people will forget her and that we'll be grieving in some way the rest of our lives. Dane Mike,

Nicely done. Very good advice. People mean well, I know, but some of their comments to us really angered me. A parent losing their child needs to walk the journey, experience the feelings and emotions and be able to grieve. We can’t hurry it up just because someone says, “You know, Kristin is happy now and wouldn’t come back if she could.” I know she’s happy, I know she wouldn’t come back, but it still does not take away the fact I miss her, I want her back desperately. And yes, yes, yes, when others want to talk about Kristin that’s a good thing. Sure we may tear up, but our greatest fear is that people will forget her and that we’ll be grieving in some way the rest of our lives.

Dane

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Rick Ross http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87528 Rick Ross Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:29:47 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87528 Interesting how those of us in "the club" seem to have such similar feelings about this issue. I think one of the most enlightening discoveries for me was just how long the grieving process is. I have ministered for over 20 years, and out of ignorance just assumed that after a month or two a person returns to "normal." Now coming up on two years since my daughter's death, life is still out of kilter -- and will never be "back to normal." Nothing can ever fill the normal spot in my expectations about life -- that Jenny would be there with me until I grew old and went ahead of her to heaven. Interesting how those of us in “the club” seem to have such similar feelings about this issue. I think one of the most enlightening discoveries for me was just how long the grieving process is. I have ministered for over 20 years, and out of ignorance just assumed that after a month or two a person returns to “normal.” Now coming up on two years since my daughter’s death, life is still out of kilter — and will never be “back to normal.” Nothing can ever fill the normal spot in my expectations about life — that Jenny would be there with me until I grew old and went ahead of her to heaven.

]]> Comment on When a Child Dies #2 by Mike http://preachermike.com/2012/02/08/when-a-child-dies-2/comment-page-1#comment-87527 Mike Wed, 08 Feb 2012 19:07:55 +0000 http://preachermike.com/?p=3774#comment-87527 Recently I've heard people scolding Americans because we're so privileged and don't expect bad things to happen to us whereas people in other parts of the world expect to suffer and receive it as a part of life. While there may be some truth in this, there is some exaggeration and untruth as well. I've talked to people in rural villages of Africa who have lost children. It seems to me that their pain is just as intense, even though it may be more common in their world. Loss is loss. We don't help by saying, "Grow up, it's a part of life!" Of course it's a part of life. There are many kinds of losses. But it's still loss. And with the loss, we must learn to mourn, grieve, befriend, and heal. Recently I’ve heard people scolding Americans because we’re so privileged and don’t expect bad things to happen to us whereas people in other parts of the world expect to suffer and receive it as a part of life. While there may be some truth in this, there is some exaggeration and untruth as well. I’ve talked to people in rural villages of Africa who have lost children. It seems to me that their pain is just as intense, even though it may be more common in their world. Loss is loss. We don’t help by saying, “Grow up, it’s a part of life!”

Of course it’s a part of life. There are many kinds of losses. But it’s still loss. And with the loss, we must learn to mourn, grieve, befriend, and heal.

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