Archive for the 'marriage' Category

Thirty and Counting

Published
by
Mike
on February 14, 2007
in marriage
. 32 Comments

It was thirty years ago today that I went on my first date with a beautiful, five-foot-two-eyes-of-blue Harding student from Ohio. We went out for an elegant meal (Pizza Hut) and then to the Rialto Theater in downtown Searcy for the uncut, uncensored version of “Wilderness Family.”

Thirty years. I can’t believe it. So much excitement and boredom; so much joy and grief; so many arguments and so much forgiveness. “Through it all, love remains.”

Here are words I wrote in 2004. Still true.

Trust me. You don’t want to read on. . . . I’ve temporarily lost my male ability to bottle up all emotions inside.

Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

But here’s the thing: when I picked up Diane at the airport Sunday afternoon, I was surprised all over again by her beauty. How can that be after so many years?

To be honest, I hadn’t really missed her for the couple days she was in Houston. (It’s one of our private little secrets–that, while we love being together, we also don’t mind a day or two alone! She was in Houston; Chris was on the middle school campout. I was pigging out on play-off games.)

There are so many things that I love about Diane that I had no idea about so many years ago.

I love how much children love her. Recently, a third grader (whom she taught in 2nd grade last year) came up to hug her after school and said, “Mrs. Cope, look in my backpack.” Inside was her treasure trove: every note that Diane had written to her last year. “You’re like a mother to me,” the little girl said.

Right now she’s gone to work out. But before that this evening, we sat and listened AGAIN to MLK’s “I Have a Dream” speech. I love how, after so many times, it still touches her.

I love how when (as happened at least once when she joined me someplace where I was speaking) a woman came up to her and said “It must be wonderful being married to him!” she just smiled and said, “Oh, yes.” Fighting the gag reflex is one of her strengths.

I love how she loves her boys and her daughter-in-law. And, of course, I love the memories of her with Megan.

I love how she’ll stay at church as long as someone wants to talk–even though it drives me nuts when I’m tired.

I love watching movies with her, eating out at a nice restaurant with her, and grabbing burgers off the grill to watch “Raymond” with her. Things are only half as funny when she isn’t watching with me.

I love her low threshhold of tolerance for “look-in-the-mirror-and-tell-yourself-how-much-God-loves-you” exercises. At moments like that she comes within an inch of falling off the cliff of explosive laughter. . . . And I have the gift of sending her over that precipitous cliff.

I love her laugh. The best laugh I’ve ever heard. Angels applaud.

- - - -

But of course this isn’t just my blog. I write the opening words. But how about you? What is it that still surprises you about your beloved after all these years?

How Husbands Are Like Exotic Animals

Published
by
Mike
on January 12, 2007
in General and marriage
. 18 Comments

I’m planning to follow up on yesterday’s blog. Perhaps later today. Or tomorrow. My buddy Jim just picked me up to take me to lunch, knowing that my type-A is starting to get the best of me. The kind young woman at Subway asked what had happened to me. I explained that I’d just had knee surgery. She quickly responded, “You’ll regret it for the rest of your life.”

Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

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Here’s the #1 read article from 2006 at nytimes.com.

Tight Jeans

Published
by
Mike
on November 6, 2006
in family, marriage and memories
. 51 Comments

Warning to Matt and Chris: DO NOT READ THIS POST. IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.

When I share with people about how Diane and I met, I sometimes mention how I saw her at the College Church of Christ. It was a Friday night and there was a special focus on evangelism. It was a small crowd made up mostly of Bible geeks. An unaccompanied, beautiful, blonde elementary education major sort of stood out.

That’s the official story.

The real story is that that was the second time I’d seen her. The first was in a gym. She was playing volleyball with her club.

And she had on tight jeans. Not tight like painted-on tight, but like most jeans were then: tight at the top (which is, of course, the bottom) and bell-bottomy in the legs.

Though I was a pristinely pure Bible major (cough, cough), I, ummm, noticed her. Five foot, two. Eyes of blue.

So, yes, looks matter. Not like the heart, the personality, the character of a person. But when you’re finding a spouse, physical attraction often is what gets your attention. (More on that below in the 13th comment.)

She’s still hot. Even though she’s 50 today, she doesn’t look a day over, say, 35. (Is that still a compliment for a woman?)

All right, all this confession to say this: there was a zip and zowie back there that helped bring us together. But through all the many years together, so much more has come in the warp and woof of marriage. In daily routines, in shared chores, in deep sorrow, and in great joy. In faith, hope, and love.

It’s a great mystery, this marriage thing. But a mystery which today, on my Beloved’s 50th birthday, I’m very thankful for.

The Church, Marriage, and Divorce

Published
by
Mike
on October 31, 2006
in marriage
. 72 Comments

Yesterday someone, in the comments section, asked a good question about divorce.

There are few “issues” more vexing to church leaders than this one. We’re wanting more than anything to be faithful to Christ. And we’re working with hurting, broken people.

There are two things that cause so much pain:

1. Marriages so broken that they wind up in divorce; and

2. Marriages equally broken where forgiveness, service, compassion, and love (basic Christian tools of ministry) seem absent.

Here are some practical things:

First, let us continue to place marriage within the realm of Christian discipleship. That’s what Mark’s gospel does. Right in the middle of teachings about what it means to follow him, we’re told that what God has yoked together people aren’t to pull apart. If there is anyplace where we need to practice the tools mentioned above, it’s here.

Second, let us be honest with our children and young adults about marriage. Let’s continue to remind them that marriage is not a state of ecstasy. It is a place where we commit ourselves despite the disappointments that may come. It is “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health.”

Third, let’s continue to encourage all the communication and discussion we can before the wedding date — through premarital counseling (which our church requires for any ceremony performed by one of the ministers or elders) and through mentoring with older couples.

Fourth, let’s do our best to get people into small groups where they are safe to share their struggles. We need others in our lives who are for us, who can listen to us, pray with us, comfort us, and encourage us.

The teachings on divorce are difficult. You can sense the early church wrestling with the words of Jesus as they dealt with real, live people. (Let me recommend again the section on divorce in Richard Hays’ s The Moral Vision of the New Testament: Community, Cross, New Creation, A Contemporary Introduction to New Testament Ethics. Here he notes that “the canonical witness itself examplifies a process of reflection and adaptation of the fundamental normative prohibition against divorce” — speaking of passages like 1 Corinthians 7.)

It seems to me that the church is too easy on divorce and too hard on divorced people.

That’s the gist of these words from Hays:

“The collapse of cultural strictures against divorce has left the church in serious need of fresh theological and pastoral reflection about divorce and remarriage. The pain and complications of divorce cast their shadows across almost every congregation, yet the church often fails to address the issue forthrightly. In some churches divorce remains a taboo, and divorced persons are ostracized. In other churches, however, divorce is treated almost casually, and members are not in any serious way held accountable to their marriage vows.”

He adds this:

“In some cases, the church’s practice of accepting divorce has become so lax that the New Testament witness must be read primarily as a word of judgment on and correction for the church. In other cases, the church’s rigid legalism in applying the New Testament teaching must be challenged by the New Testament’s own modeling of flexibility in adapting Jesus’ word to new situations.”

We must continue to encourage people to keep their marriage vows.

Of course, there are lots of ways that marriage vows can be broken. When we fail to love, to support, to cherish, and to serve — in what sense have vows been kept?

So while divorce is a tragedy, so are damaging marriages. The church has little time for the selfish ways in which some swap partners because they’re more sexually attracted or because they “just weren’t happy.” But the church also knows that there are times when people come broken and hurting.

It isn’t our job to step on the hurting. It wasn’t the way of Christ. Divorced believers share in the fellowship of Christ the way all of us do: by his incredible mercy. They aren’t second class citizens. They aren’t “balcony Christians.”

So the church continues to nurture marriage and it continues to call for endurance of marriages as a part of discipleship. But it also recognizes that in this fallen world, there are marriage failures. That isn’t the unforgivable sin.

In an earlier blog, I made these brief suggestions about ways we might encourage our marital relationships:

1. By faithfully holding marriage in the realm of discipleship (i.e., we keep our vows as a part of living out the deep inner goodness that comes from following the Way of Christ — Mt. 5:31-32);

2. By refusing to make marriage a place where all needs are supposed to be met (which is idolatrous and forces it to bear a load it can’t);

3. By learning to be more open with one another — confessing, sharing, and praying — so that we aren’t afraid to say “we need some help”;

4. By fostering a greater sense of “first family” where the church — married, divorced, single, children — is seen as our primarily relationship;

5. By reminding each other that we relate to each other in marriage as brother and sister in Christ as well as husband and wife;

6. By offering whatever resources are available for prevention and intervention: wise elders, insightful therapists, caring friends and guides;

7. By encouraging each other openly to resist materialism and out-of-control debt;

8. By opening ways for conflict and conflict resolution that involve true listening, affirming, exploring, and forgiving;

9. By helping people to pursue a path of spiritual formation, expecting people to change through time into the image of Christ; and

10. By keeping alive and open the stories of older believers who can share their journey, thereby offering hope and guidance for troubled times.

The Best Sex

Published
by
Mike
on September 17, 2006
in marriage
. 33 Comments

As a follow-up to yesterday’s post . . . and while appreciating all that trained people like Joe are instructing . . . let me repeat what I’ve said many times (which I’m quite certain that these teachers would agree with).

The best sex doesn’t come as a result of things you buy or positions you learn.

It comes from years of commitment, shared prayer, common tears, loving-and-often-tiring parenting, gentleness, faith, hope, love, endless forgiveness, kisses with potential and kisses that are just because, full-bodied hugs and hugs-on-the-run, “come hither” looks and “you’re-an-idiot-sometimes-but-you’re-still-my-idiot” looks, good days and bad days, inside jokes, and repentance.

Why does sex get better in many marriages — even as bodies age?

Because trust has been forged; maturity has set in; and passion goes all the way to the marrow.

Consideration and faithfulness: the true sexual stimulants.

Not Your Father’s Today Show

Published
by
Mike
on September 16, 2006
in General and marriage
. 61 Comments

This morning wasn’t your average Weekend Today Show. Even Lester and Campbell were blushing. Lester said that language that frank wasn’t often spoken on their show.

So who was this guest?

Our buddy Joe Beam. Talking about oral sex, multiple orgasms, fantasies, alcohol consumption, masturbation, etc.

Here’s what I loved: Joe came across as a kind man who is on a mission and who is full of grace. When asked which “couples” are his target audience, he just said married couples — husbands and wives. When asked if there are any limits, he named them kindly and succinctly: (1) only with your spouse, (2) no animals, and (3) nothing that hurts either person. (I’m naive enough to wonder if he couldn’t have boiled it down to rules 1 and 3, assuming number 2. But he talks to more people about sex than I do. . . .) When asked about alcohol, he said that drinking in moderation is fine, but drunkenness is wrong. He spoke with a gleam in his eyes about couples needing to remove some of the inhibitions (or quit feeling bad about things they’re already doing) and to have fun.

On national television. A Church of Christ preacher.

The world is changing.

Newborns, Breastfeeding, and Intimacy

Published
by
Mike
on August 22, 2006
in family and marriage
. 45 Comments

Rabbi Schmuley Boteach, host of the TLC show “Shalom in the Home” has created quite a stir by talking about the way breastfeeding can interfere with a husband’s sexual pleasure and about the dangers of a husband being too present for childbirth.

“I told the mother that in being so devoted to her son, she had committed the cardinal sin of marriage, which is to put someone else before her spouse, even if that someone is your child. Furthermore, I said, her obsession had turned one of her most attractive body parts into a feeding station, an attractive cafeteria rather than a scintillating piece of flesh. In my book “Kosher Adultery,” I make the point that infidelity is primarily a sin of omission rather than commission. It is not the bad thing you do that destroys a marriage, but all the good that you fail to do, preoccupied as you are with a sinful relationship that diverts your attention away from your spouse.” (Be sure to follow the link to page 2, where it gets more bizarre.)

I like this response from Armin Brott, who suggests that marriages can be nourished by more than sex (as important as that is) — by the joining together of husband and wife to nurture a child. Plus, he’s willing to use the s-word: sacrifice.

“In choosing to become parents—which most of us do—we tacitly agree to take on certain obligations, to make sacrifices for our children, to do what we can to make their lives better than ours. Going a step further, if there’s something we can do to protect our children, to keep them from harm, we must do it.”

New parents have to work hard to maintain intimacy when they enter what Brott calls the “24-hour baby channel” — all baby, all the time. And when the husband can be helpful and supportive of the exhausting job — well, everyone comes out ahead.

“The bottom line to both moms and dads feeling comfortable with their roles in the physical process of parenting, including breast-feeding? Well, to be perfectly blunt, the more men participate, the more sex those men will get. As psychologist Aaron Hass puts it, ‘There is no more powerful aphrodisiac to a mother than to see her husband lovingly engaged with their children.’ So it goes like this: When dads support breast-feeding and are actively involved with their children, moms are happier. Happier moms have more energy and are more interested in satisfying their husband’s—and their own—sexual needs.”

- - - -

Anyone else been watching any of the Little League World Series? Our trip to the state tournament made Chris and me more interested than usual. What a sight whenever Aaron Durley walks onto the field. He’s 6′ 8″ and weighs 256 pounds. He’s 2″ taller than Shaq was at that age, and his shoes are three sizes larger.

- - - -

Check out Larry’s blog today where he writes about what he’d do if he were mayor of Dallas.

Here’s my one question: Where do I send a campaign contribution?

“The Waltz We Were Born For”

Published
by
Mike
on June 9, 2006
in marriage
. 15 Comments

Walt McDonald, reflecting on an older couple as the husband realizes the depth and “timeless, dazzling devotion” of the one before him:

Her voice is more modest than moonlight,
like pearl drops she wears in her lobes.
My hands find the face of my bride.
I stretch her skin smooth and see bone.
Our children bring children to bless her, her face
more weathered than mine. What matters
is timeless, dazzling devotion — not rain,
not Eden gardenias, but cactus in drought,
not just moons of deep sleep, not sunlight or stars,
not the blue, but the darkness beyond.

- Walt McDonald

Wounded Marriages

Published
by
Mike
on June 8, 2006
in marriage
. 30 Comments

Some people throw in the towel too quickly on their marriage. They think they’re beaten and wounded beyond recovery, they can’t imagine it ever being better, so they give up.

But in way too many cases this is a lack of imagination. And life can do that to you: it can suck out all the imagination you have.

Small insults, small wounds, and small arguments accumulate through the years. Pressure at work, exhaustion from children, and weariness over life begin to set in. Before you know it, the insults are more insulting, the wounds are more injurious, and the arguments have taken the gloves off.

That’s when many begin to wonder if it can ever be set right again.

It can. Oh, yes. It can. Maybe not in every instance, but in most.

But it’s going to take better memory and better imagination. You have to remember why you fell in love with that person; you have to remember that there has been an “us” that has gone through childbirth and jobs and lay-offs and sacrifices and diapers; you have to bring in friends (whether these friends are professional counselors or wise people of faith who’ll be for the marriage — rather than just for one side); and you have to picture a way in which forgiveness paves a new way.

And even in the midst of all the pain, the power of “you’re still the one” comes through. It says, “We have a problem. I’m part of that problem. The system is broken. But it would be broken if I got in the same pattern with anyone else. But I don’t want anyone else. You . . . are . . . the . . . one.”

Don’t throw in the towel. There can be better days ahead. Try to remember and try to imagine it.

You’re Still the One

Published
by
Mike
on June 6, 2006
in marriage
. 55 Comments

The years pass, life gets frustrating . . . or routine. Jobs are demanding. Children are time-consuming. Months come and go.

And then, out of nowhere, you tell the one you’ve been married to that after all these years she (or he) is still the one. That you’re in it for the long haul. That life is good, and to the extent it hasn’t been good you want to work to make it better.

But you don’t want to work on it with another person. You don’t want to look for happiness by switching partners.

You’re still the one. After all the years. After signs of aging have begun to show. After disappointments and frustrations. You’re still the one.

Go for it. Today. Maybe lead up to it. Maybe just blurt it out. There is power in those words.