Support Your Local Coach
It’s April, little league is upon us, and it’s time for the annual recognition that your child’s coach doesn’t know what he or she is doing.
used by permission
I have such great memories of coaching baseball and basketball—over a decade of each. But part of the job is dealing with parents who are either (1) overly protective of their kids; or (2) trying to find their own self esteem through their kids’ accomplishments.
I remember fondly a dad, who wouldn’t take time out of his own schedule to ever coach his son, yelling that I had no idea what the point of baseball is. That memory is matched by the single mom who screamed that I obviously had something against boys who come from single parent homes.
Both were upset because (among other reasons) their child wasn’t being treated like the star around which the team revolved.
There were, of course, many, many wonderful, supportive parents. And I’m guessing many of them had questions at the time about a coaching decision.
So, from a former little league coach, let me make these suggestions if you find yourself in a situation where you think your son or daughter isn’t getting enough playing time, isn’t playing another position, etc.
1. Remind yourself that many—most?—parents, partly out of blind love, overestimate the abilities of their children. You’ve seen how she can outrun all the kids in the neighborhood; you’ve been told that he’s an extraordinary athlete; you think if given a chance he’ll be able to throw harder than anyone on the team. But know this: there is often a gap between what we imagine about our children’s abilities and their actual abilities.
2. Ask yourself what your objection is about. If your son or daughter is being treated rudely, if they are being yelled at by a coach, if it’s demeaning—then by all means take your best differentiated self to that person and speak to them. Tell the coach that you appreciate the time being put in but that such behavior isn’t acceptable. Do not do this in front of your child. If the demeaning behavior continues, take your concern to a league administrator.
3. If you think your child deserves more playing time, again, ask the coach for a moment. Lead off with affirmation and thanks for their work with the kids. Then ask what your child can do to have a chance to play more or to have a shot at another position. If the position you’d like your child to play is the one currently held by the coach’s child remember this: the rule about how many parents overestimate their own kid’s abilities also applies to the coach!
4. With your child, support the coach. Something much more important than play time is at stake here. Are you producing a child that learns to try harder and go with the flow no matter what the circumstances? Or are you producing a whiner who learns that mommy or daddy will come running to their defense when there is a problem with the teacher, coach, or principal? I teach at a college level. Trust me: it isn’t a pretty thing when you see young people whose parents have done that for them (and sometimes continue to!).
5. Attend every game you possibly can, regardless of how much (or little) your child is playing. Your son or daughter will likely have fun, especially if they know you’re satisfied and enjoying it.
These are the good old days. Don’t miss them!
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From one of my earlier posts:
I don’t just like the idea of baseball.
I like the smell of it. I like the crack of the wood bat or the ping of the aluminum bat. I like teaching a kid how to lead with his hips as he swings. I like a sore arm and shoulder from throwing 20 too many fastballs the night before at practice. I like calling pitches for my son. I like seeing a kid that can’t catch still hustle to the fence, hit his cutoff man, and stop the double from being a triple. I love hot dogs at the stadium. I like seeing the #9 batter get his first hit of the season. I like seeing a kid lay down a bunt. Shoot, I just like seeing a kid look down to third and SEE the bunt sign. I like seeing the two teams line up after the game and shake hands, remembering that there are more important things than who won.
I like almost everything about baseball.
Except the Yankees.
A second former post:
Son #2 is now in high school. Translation: he now has real coaches. I’ve been retired (temporarily, at least) as a little league coach.
He and I have recently been to three little league games, watching young buddies of ours. It’s quite a different perspective from the stands.
One game was Y-ball. The spirit was wonderful. Score wasn’t kept (at least officially). Parents on both teams cheered for every player.
Another game was farm league. The machine pitched great, keeping the game moving right along. And again, people seemed to be there for fun.
But the third game was minor leagues. That’s kids who are 9-10 year olds. This was a very different game. I heard stuff that I’d never heard while out in the dugout or standing near third base giving kids the steal sign.
I couldn’t believe what a couple of the dads were yelling — at kids, at umpires, even at their own coaches. At one point, one of them screamed at his kid’s own coach, “Come on, man. That’s coaching 101. Wake up!” I wanted to turn around and say, “Hey, get off your keister and go coach yourself.”
I loved my years of coaching little league. Here is the essence of my coaching wisdom for new coaches who are wondering what to say on the first day of practice: “DON’T EVER THROW THE BALL WITHOUT MAKING SURE THE PERSON IS WATCHING.” There it is. That’s the sum total of my wisdom. (Ok, that and “Sit on a fastball on the first pitch.”)
AMEN! Too many parents take the fun out of baseball (and other sports.) We’ve dealt with coaches who played favorites…it was an opportunity to teach our sons how to be kind. There were times our sons were the favorites…it was still an opportunity to teach them to be kind to others who were not receiving that attention.
What I see all too often is parents who are trying to accomplish something for their own (parents’) benefit. Of course, sports isn’t the only place where this happens. They fool themselves into thinking it’s only for their child’s sake.
qb’ll confess to being one of “those” parents, except that qb has coached youth soccer, basketball, track, and football for about the last decade. Now, with those three sons at age 10 or higher, and with club coaches inviting them to play AAU or Y-ball under their greater drills, tactics, and overall knowledge, qb’s struggle is not so much with the quality of the *teaching* that these knowledgeable sages are bringing to the table, but rather with how little *motivation* plays in the coaching enterprise. And it is a struggle, perhaps the most difficult puzzle qb has had to navigate during his 15 years as a dad. As the boys get older, dad has less “pull” with the boys in terms of motivation, so it, too, has to be outsourced to the new roster of coaches.
The logic is as follows:
“Club” ball is a privilege and an honor, not a right.
Playing rec sports used to be tantamount to a right; with the great Kids Inc. organization here in Amarillo, every kid that signs up gets to play, and every coach is required to see to it that even the least capable child gets significant playing time. No problem; qb bent over backward to ensure that he followed that guidance. Upward Basketball was the same way, only more so, to an almost pathological degree.
But now, when one of my sons gets invited to play on a more advanced team, I take that to be an honor that has to be earned and re-earned continually. So it seems a bit odd to me to observe a coaching style that has very little of the “get off your butt and leave some skin on the floor, or sit” dimension to it. And it drives me CRAZY, absolutely stark raving mad, with my own sons as well as with the other boys.
I wish I knew how to calibrate this reaction more constructively…but to me, as a former youth coach, usurping the new coach’s authority is a non-starter.
Laughing (but only partially),
qb
As an former athlete who played basketball and ran track in High School and College and grew up in a place and time where competitive sports did not begin so early as now–Here’s my two cents worth. Don’t start competitive sports [that is with set teams and leagues] until 7th grade. Instead have coaches who have proper skill to teach kids fundamentals in the mornings. In the evenings us some random process to choose players for teams and then have games for the kids to show their skills and have fun. The kids play with a different set of players each game they in which they participate. They still play their competitive best but can enjoy it because they are not concerned where their team is positioned in a league. And yes, every kid gets to play.
Some who could have been one of the best High School players have been late bloomers and did not participate because they were put down while young. But doing the above allows them to become skilled earlier and have fun while it is happening.
Final note–don’t start too early, period–nothing more pathetic than kids that are bored in the outfield and are not in the game because they are forced to be there by parents. So they are kicking stones, watching the birds, picking their nose, etc. while their parents are irate and chew them out when they get home or worse yet in front of their peers. Of course, most parents like that could not play the game themselves and are trying to play it thru their kids.
You left off one other very important rule that served you well:
When all else fails, make sure you convince your big, weight-lifting, baseball-challenged friend to serve as your assistant coach. It sure helps to cut down confrontations with unruly parents, coaches and players!
Charlie – That’s really my rule #1. Funny, funny memory of showing up at the state tournament in Waco and hearing someone scream at our boys, “Hey, you bunch of idiots get away from that fence.” That’s one of the moments that I remember the real value of having a big, weight-lifting friend to assist me. I’ve never heard someone apologize so quickly in my life!
Mike,
You sound like a self important jack-hole that has apparently never had any children of your own. The best coaches I have ever met play everyone. Also, you look like a lesbian. All kids need a chance to play to get better, idiot.
Maybe if you listened to parent’s complaint’s, and had some inner dialogue instead of trying do an amateurish, passive-aggressive psychoanalysis of them on a website you would have been a better coach.
*stifling uproarious laughter*
qb’s not sure whether to take Raymond’s sentiments seriously or not!
But one thing qb DOE’S take ‘seriously is the appropriate u’s'e of apo’strophe’s, and Raymonds po’st ain’t it.
Wow,
qb
Raymond -
Yep, three kids, one of whom died.
Not a lesbian.
Played every kid I had on the team for 15 years.
Did my best to listen to every complaint.
Coached two teams to the state tournament. Don’t know how that compares to MN, but considered decent in TX.
Peace.
Wow, Raymond. Someone’s kid must really suck. I think you’d be hard pressed to not agree with these suggestions.
Questions:
1. Where’ did’ you read a suggestion in this post’ that some of the children shouldn’t play? Every coach knows what he’s talking about. Not every kid can be the pitcher. Not everyone can be the clean-up hitter.
2. How does one have “inner dialogue” with a parent?
3. Since this sounds like JUST the kind of wise advice from an older guy (no offense, Mike) that I’d like to hand out to every coach and parent in our little league, what leads you to make the judgmental call that it’s from a—let’s see, how did you put it—”self important jack-hole?”
Raymond, thanks for making all disenting comments unheard by use of inappropriate language and a disprespectful attitude.
Mike, if your child doesn’t get equal playing time then they don’t have as much of an opportunity to improve? I don’t have a problem with my child playing right field, he does it very well and has assisted an out on many an occassion. I don’t have a problem with his batting order normally, but when he is getting on base 75% of the time and other kids aren’t it’s hard when you have a coach that doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. He’s kind of a money ball player though, gets on base but not the power hitter. I’m the team mom for my son’s team,so I am a volunteer in this scenario as well and I am truly interested in our team doing well as a group. However, this is what I take issue with. All kids should have to sit sometimes. Sitting shouldn’t be reserved just for outfield position players. This means that only half the team shares the sitting time and that simply isn’t right in a 9 yr old pee wee league. Our coach also never gives other kids a chance to play other positions, even when we are up by 10 points and there is no way the other team can catch us.
Also, here is something that is a legitimate parent concern. My son is starting to feel like no matter how hard he tries and works at improving that it will make no difference. He is never disrespectful of his coach nor are we, but a kid shouldn’t be made to feel that way! Since I’m not only the team mom in this scenario, but the finacial sponsor, I’m seriously thinking that the money would be better used on private lessons so his confidence would be built back up. Do you think it’s worth saying something in this scenario?