Friendship Lite
“The fact is that we miss the friendships we no longer have, and we know that Facebook or e-mails cannot possibly compensate for the loss. So we sit in front of our television sets and enjoy the dream of friendship instead: a dream where we need never be alone, where there are a group of people who would do anything for us, and where everyone seems to understand us to our very core, just like Jerry and George, Chandler and Joey, Carrie and her girls, or the members of the McKinley High glee club. It is a powerful dream, and it is one that may now be the primary pleasure of television.”
That’s the concluding paragraph of an insightful piece in the LA Times by Neal Gabler.
He points back to the work of Robert Putnam (Bowling Alone) and shows that the trend toward friendlessness has continued. Americans now have, on average, fewer friends than a decade ago.
In the place of actual friends and confidants, we have two substitutes.
One is social-networking sites, which Gabler calls “friendship lite.” When someone “friends” you, that doesn’t mean you’re now doing what historically friends have done: met, talked, listened, shared, encouraged, challenged. It just shows that at some point your lives have brushed against each other.
The other is tv — moving from Cheers, Friends, and Seinfeld to Glee, Modern Family, and Parenthood. Gabler notes that the basic unit on television now is the flock: “be it the extended family of brothers and sisters, grandfathers and grandmothers, nieces, nephews and cousins, or the extended circle of friends.” It shows friends who are in constant contact — chatting by phone, sitting around dining room tables, meeting at coffee shops, “sharing everything all the time.”
What sad irony: that we watch television shows where deep, life-connecting friendship is happening around the clock while it’s increasingly difficult to find in real life.
I just finished my seventeenth annual “guys’ weekend” with three of my closest friends, a tradition that began back in the mid-90s. We’ve jogged, hiked, eaten steak, watched play-off games, laughed our heads off . . . while supporting each other through life’s challenges. I’m so thankful for those weekends. But even more, I’m thankful for those friendship — and several others — that are real, constant, till-death-do-us-part.
I love these words from Darryl Tippens (one of those friends that holds my life together): “Soul-friendships are rare today because they are costly. Most of all they require our time, as they are only sustainable with frequent contact. Friendships on auto-pilot waste away.” (From Pilgrim Heart
I am really examining my own friendships lately — and God seems to be throwing me plenty of opportunities to do so, such as this blog post. About a year ago I began examining the economy of my time and energy. For instance, if I naturally run into you in my circle — at my gym, where our children play sports, at church, etc. — it will be a more natural friendship than someone that I rarely see. However, in the the economy of energy, I seek out those friends that add to my energy level, not drain it. I will purposefully go out of my way and schedule time for friends that lift me up and build me up spiritually. Though I confess that it’s easier to press ‘like’ on a facebook status than it is to schedule a friend weekend to eat steak and watch play-off games. I have noticed this trend, too — that we seem to be very absorbed in relationships on television as opposed to our own lives. While I don’t do TV, I’m more guilty of blog and facebook friends than laugh until you cry friend time. Obviously I have a lot of thoughts on this…
I have been blessed to have had a soul friend. To feel completely at ease and calmed by another is true nirvana.
I recently found this quote by Aristotle.
What is a friend? A single soul dwelling in two bodies.
Seems to me that Gabler is right on track. When we see the Bravermans gathered around the table or going trick-or-treating together, we want to be part of that flock. We’d like those deep connections of people who know the worst about you, as well as the best, and are for you regardless.
Hmm. Thought-provoking, especially since Friends is my favorite TV show (it lives on in DVD form).
I’ve had cause to think about friendship a lot lately as I’ve moved across the country…this post will add to my pondering, for sure.
So many issues at play here. Seems either you live down the street from your entire family (or on the same plot of land in Texas) – or at all corners of the globe. The odds of the Bravermans being real in Calif. is slim to none. I read the average “stay” in a D/FW suburb is like 3.5 years. So, your friends turnover every 4 years – completely. Same for church – we tend to move around… kids leaving for college means disconnecting with other parents – etc.
Glad you have some great friends Mike – that is rare indeed.
It’s difficult to have deep meaningful friends when the major numbers have an “out of sight, out of mind” philosophy. That’s especially true in southern states where people have known each others’ families back to the flood and if yours is not equally known, you practically do not exist except when your in sight, which then brings you to mind. How enriching it is for our lives when we reach out to include those that are so different than we and bring them into close friendship. But rarely do we, more the loss for everyone.
I still think this piece by Hal Niedzviecki (about his “party” for 700 Facebook friends) is worth thinking through.
By now it was nearing midnight. My head was clouded by drink, and it was finally starting to sink in: no one else was coming. I’d have to think up some other way to revitalize my social life. I ordered one more drink.
The beer arrived, a British import: Young’s Double Chocolate Stout. I raised my glass in a solitary toast and promised myself I’d spend less time online. Then I took a gulp: the beer was delicious but bittersweet. Seven hundred friends, and I was drinking alone.
I have been blessed with so many friends and for that I am always grateful! I do have a few soul friends…friends that know my heart and trust me with their lives. I love that. I love those friends that I don’t have to filter my words for. Your wife is one of those. They are also the friends who are not clingy and suffocating…they allow me to love them and they love me and we can live exciting lives and come back to each other and celebrate those adventures. They don’t expect me on their doorstep every day.
For a year I was blessed with some of those friends. The year that I lived in Oklahoma City, I had the good fortune to walk into a church classroom full of young single people who treated each other that way. Most of us didn’t have family in the area, so we became family to each other. I’ve since moved away, to get married no less, but I think about that a lot. I think a lot about how to treat others and how to be a good friend. My life is as busy as anyone, but I don’t want to get trapped in a bubble (or rather, a tiny duplex) with my husband and never get any air. And, I like girls’ nights with red wine and chocolate.
Red wine and chocolate, good friends, long visits. Time? Place?
This post spoke to me as friendships are something I have been thinking about/ examining in my own life. Like, am I, myself, a good friend? I recently canceled my Facebook account- 500 “friends” or so. I just felt so unconnected. The best friends are the ones who know you- really really know you- all the good stuff and the bad crap- and still love you anyways. You can’t have friends like that on Facebook. Those kinds of friends are few and far between.
This post spoke to me as friendships are something I have been thinking about/ examining in my own life. Like, am I, myself, a good friend? I recently canceled my Facebook account- 500 “friends” or so. I just felt so unconnected. The best friends are the ones who know you- really really know you- all the good stuff and the bad crap- and still love you anyways. You can’t have friends like that on Facebook. Those kinds of friends are few and far between.
I think the key is “time”…good friendships take time. Sissy Coffman was a wonderful example to me of a dear friend to many people, because she invested time in them. When she and Burton left Central in Houston and eventually moved to NYC (after being in DC), she started “Sissy’s Sendout” which even as a child, I looked forward to each month…4 pages, single spaced, sent out at her own expense…and she helped keep us connected with friends we’d had in Central and other places where we had mutual friends. The Christians in NYC became people I long to know b/c of Sissy’s Sendout…and when I eventually moved to the NE, I was blessed to know some of them on a closer level. It’s not easy to connect with people when our lives are so busy…and often it is good battling against good for our time.
I go weeks without turning on the TV…but it is too easy to get caught up taking care of my family’s needs and enjoying those of my closest friends…and I often neglect reaching out to someone who may really need a friend…something to work on!
Oh Mike. I’m amazed and humored by God’s timing. You wrote this post a few days ago, having no idea that I would wake up this Sunday morning feeling so completely discouraged and at the bottom in regards to friendships/community.
I could not agree more with your comments. And to Kathy, after moving a few times in the last decade, I agree…the “out of sight, out of mind” philosophy is true. And so painful. Regarding Erin’s comments, I too deactivated off FB last week. Played horribly into my insecurities. I was always seeing other “friends” talking about the time they spent with each other, commenting on each other’s updates (but not mine), and so on. I realize FB isn’t TRUE community – I like to call it pseudo-community – and I’m glad I’m taking a break. It feels right. But I’m already feeling more out of the loop and more isolated. FB is where people socialize nowadays.
I could talk about this subject forever. In fact, if you ever need a guest blogger to write about friendship…
Seriously, how do we change this? As a stay-at-home parent, I am in DIRE need of friendship and community. It’s easy in my line of work to feel isolated. HOW DO WE CHANGE THIS???
Forgive me, Mike. I’d like to do cross-blog communication with Jana and ask her, if I may – Jana, are you in this same small city and possibly a Highland-er? If so, I have no kids at home any longer – I can go to you, since you have all those wee ones to care for. I’d love to be first in line of a series of new friendships for you.
Jana- That is exactly why I canceled my Facebook- it completely played in to everything I am already insecure about. I am also a stay at home mom and have moved several times over the last ten years. I am praying the Lord will send you friends- true “love you for who you are and where you are” friends. And, maybe, Kathy will be one of them! (I would love to be one of them as well- Denver area??)
THANKS Kathy and Erin!!! Now I’m all teary (and thinking about the guy who wrote on Mike’s “women in the CoC” post about how we girls are all “emotional” – ha!). I just logged on to see if anyone had suggestions on how to change…and I find you two women encouraging me! Not expected. But much appreciated. And a nice reminder that God uses “social networking” to His advantage as well.
Erin, Denver sounds mighty nice but I’m in Abilene. I would say we could “Facebook” but umm…maybe email?! And Kathy, yes I’m at Highland…and now I’m gonna look thru the directory and try to figure out which one you are!
Jana, if you ever get the answer, post it, then shout it from the rooftops. Many of us are waiting for an answer…in fact, I think we know the answer but just don’t want to admit it. And that’s why we’re replying to this post.
qb
P. S. to Erin and Kathy: my money sez she’s married to a psychology professor with an award-winning blog and lives in Taylor or Jones County, TX. But I could be wrong.
QB – you got the professor part right but he’s not in psychology! i’m not that jana. sorry to disappoint!
Jana, I thought it was you. We have only talked a few times but somehow I could hear your voice in that post. We somehow have to figure out how to be in smaller community in our huge church…..Richard Beck described it yesterday like nesting Russian dolls…..smaller and smaller community inside the big community.
We should get together.
Jana – Can you give me a few hints how to recognize you? I’m easy to find. Just ask Beth, Julie or even Jonathan [and Mike, when he's in town] who the noisy Kathy is, they’ll know where to find me. lol
What part of that over-sized auditorium is your ‘church’ seating preference? 
I’m part of the ‘center’ church, as far as seating is concerned.
Interesting. Just like when I first started blogging I felt like you had the connection to the things that were bugging me about church and religious things…now you have the words that describe the feeling in my life of lacking friends. I have good friends, but I long for better, stronger relationships that actually take time to develop. It is like I don’t even pick up the phone anymore to talk, just to text or email or “facebook”….Maybe we do have to “unplug” to really plug in…..
I can’t help but wonder if part the issue is generational. Facebook launched as I was leaving college, and I’m one of the many millenials who use the service on a daily basis. I don’t think I’m out of place speaking for my friends when I say that we don’t confuse engaging each other online with real-world friendships. The service and others like it have been fantastic in helping me keep in touch with friends and colleagues as I moved around the country before settling back in Texas, and they’ve provided a source of constant contact with people who otherwise might have drifted out of my life. Is it possible to overuse the site, to become too dependent on it, to project onto it a fantasy of popularity? Absolutely. But it’s a tool, devoid of emotion or intent, and one whose proper use depends on the user.
I also understand the temptation to write off modern TV programming as symptomatic of a larger problem. But people have always been able to cut themselves off from society if they choose, and TV’s just the latest means. What’s more, series have always reflected what’s happening around us by showing family units experiencing the ups and downs of their days. “Friends” didn’t invent the idea of amiable companionship any more than “The Dick Van Dyke Show” invented workplace comedy. TV shows have always used heightened realities (everyone lives near each other, there’s never any traffic, etc.) to explore human stories. Watching for the comfort of seeing a well-told story or a finely crafted group of characters isn’t a perversion of the medium but an example of its purpose and successes.
Thanks for indulging the length of my response. These are issues that fascinate me and are always worth discussing, though I’m ever wary of trend pieces cooked up by authors hoping to turn scattered points into a bold line.
The ability and inclination to detach from society may always have been present – qb can’t say for sure – but the technological means of doing so have not been nearly so pervasive or portable, which is to say, somewhere beyond ubiquitous. The paradigmatic pose is that of the executive, chin down on his chest, scrolling discreetly (!) down his Crackberry beneath the conference table while the meeting drones on and on…
qb
The dynamic is slightly different in the American Military community overseas. Fpr those in the military, most assignments in a place ar 1-3 years. This means if you are going to have friends, you make them fast. Of course parting is a standard way of life. I have found the working Tres Dias weekends really helps to cement some friendships. Sharing on a deeper level, working hard as a team together to accomplish the weekends, making a real difference in others lives these bring us to a very close bond in a short time. I thank God for my brothers and what they mean in my life, Kent