Livin’ the Dream
Come on — tell me you haven’t fantasized about this before. You’ve preached one last sermon . . . or seen one last patient . . . or attended one last sales meeting . . . or held one more parent conference — and something sent you over the line. You snapped. What do you do?
Here’s one possibility:
On Monday, a JetBlue attendant named Steven Slater snapped on the tarmac at Kennedy International Airport, the authorities said.
After a dispute with a passenger who stood to fetch his luggage too soon on a full flight just in from Pittsburgh, Mr. Slater, a career flight attendant, had had enough.
He got on the intercom, let loose a string of invective, pulled the lever that activates the emergency-evacuation chute and slid down, making a dramatic exit not only from the plane but, one imagines, also his airline career.
On his way out the door, he paused to grab a beer from the beverage cart. Then he ran to the employee parking lot and drove off, the authorities said.
Gotta love that he stopped for a beer. He’s figuring that his services won’t be needed again, so why not celebrate with a Heineken on the way out?
What’s your chute escape fantasy?
You nailed it: It’s one more teacher/parent conference. I’m sitting with another parent who thinks he or she is God’s gift to education. As the teacher, I know that half the child’s problem is that the child has parents who coddle, overly-protect, always side with the child over against teachers or anyone else.
Just as the parent smirks condescendingly and says, “Have you ever thought of . . . ” I stand and say, “Here’s what I’ve thought of. What if this wonderful child had parents who didn’t spoil her so much? What if this child had parents who weren’t so needy that they need to be the child’s rescuer in every situation? What if this child grew up learning to respect a teacher and that Mommy and Daddy don’t come running at every little thing? What if, God forbid, this child had to grow up into a responsible adult?”
At that point, I storm out of the room, grab a beer in the teachers’ lounge (ok, this part of the fantasy comes from the story), and march out the front door.
Sounds like I’ve actually thought about this.
…except in qb’s fantasy he’s on the *receiving* end of yet another three-piont sermon on the End Times or how to succeed in life using some odd mixture of Ecclesiastes, Princeton MBA curriculum, and the CEO-pastor’s growth vision for the church. qb stands up from among the hoi polloi, hollers “I call b%llS8!t,” spits tobacco juice on the center-aisle carpet, and walks out.
Not a shred of premeditated bitterness there, eh?
Thanks for the comic relief,
qb
Eileen, you read my mind, though in MY fantasy I throw back three fingers of Jose Cuervo (neat, of course), moon said parents, THEN storm out of the room. Then stop along the way to moon the offending kid, too. That would go over ok, right?
Hmmm, maybe it is just me, but I’m thinking of when the prophet Amos unloaded on Amaziah:
“I am not a prophet, nor am I the son of a prophet; for I am a herdsman and a grower of sycamore figs. But the LORD took me from following the flock and the LORD said to me, ‘Go, prophesy to My people Israel.’ Now hear the word of the LORD: you are saying, ‘You shall not prophesy against Israel nor shall you speak against the house of Isaac.’ Therefore, thus says the LORD, ‘Your wife will become a harlot in the city, your sons and your daughters will fall by the sword, your land will be parceled up by a measuring line and you yourself will die upon unclean soil. Moreover, Israel will certainly go from its land into exile.’”
Ouch.
I stand up on Sunday morning and say this:
“I know the leaders have been agonizing on the failure of this church to grow for the last few years. You’re wondering what model we need: WillowCreek, Saddleback, Gateway, etc. I have bad news. There is no new model. Changing youth ministers won’t help. Sending everyone on staff to a big event won’t do it. The truth is that we’re unwilling to change while our community has changed dramatically. We’re acting like it’s 1960, except that after our obsessing on worship, that tiny aspect of our lives now looks different. But we’re sitting on our butts wanting to be served, rather than joining God in his mission in our community. It’s not the community we had, and the old community isn’t coming back. We’ve drawn in the bridge and complained about those around us. Meanwhile, Jesus waits for us on the other side of the moat. But, hey, I’ve suggested this before and no one seems interested. It’s much easier to think a new minister, a new worship style will “fix” everything– with the same old worldview, same old threadbare theology, and same old isolation. So, right now I’m saying I love you, God loves you, and good luck.”
Then I walk down the center aisle, set my brand-new-cool wireless mic on the back pew, and head out to the local bar to have a cold one with Jesus.
Not that I’ve thought about it.
WOW!! In light of all the expressed anger and frustration, what I did sounds so parochial – I retired, early, but I retired.
lol
Jake, you are qb’s new hero. qb
I’ve thought about doing something like this in just about every faculty meeting I’ve ever sat through.
Good points Jake. True story – I was in a ministry leaders meeting just last night and while discussing how we can be more missional….
1) Someone suggested we change a brochure cover from “We appreciate you” to “‘the Church’ appreciates you.” 2) Someone else suggested we consider renaming our Wed. night dinner/Bible study from Mid-week Peak to something “that makes more sense”. 3) The final suggestion was ditching a Bible study time and start a Facebook Bible study because “that’s what the kids like”.
I can relate to the exit strategy.
Kathy – I would like to think on my part it’s more frustration than anger. Churches everywhere are being run like businesses — with the board concerned about profits, growth, etc.
The big, growing church in town must be successful. What are they doing? How do we get people to quit going there? Can we pour $$ we don’t have into a new youth center to keep our kids from going there? How about a newer, younger, hipper, better-trained minister? How do we reduplicate Church X? What is their worship style?
If we just had better preaching … if we just had a better youth minister … if we just had instrumental music … if we just had a newer building … THEN everything would be better. We’re anxious to change all the things that don’t matter; we hold to our selfish ambitions and threadbare theology tenaciously.
It has so precious little to do with Jesus and God’s kingdom.
The emperor has no clothes. But we continue to applaud.
We want a church that will grow, that will offer services, that will have worship like I like it, that will endorse my political beliefs and my purchasing addictions. We want to talk about injustice; but we want to keep our comfy lives. We want to talk about being missional — but please let me worship with people in the right part of town who are my race, my politics, my worship preferences.
Meanwhile, in my constant dream, Jesus is at the local bar. He has ordered two cold ones on draft. He’s sipping on one and he’s waiting for me to sit on the stool next to him.
Wow. There are some profound things on here about parenting, teaching, church, etc. I’m guessing lots of people can appreciate someone who just hit his limit and jumped on the golden chute!
Landon and I will be doing an hour and a half call-in talk show in Singapore in a bit. Then meeting with the government leaders who have helped organize our “Life That Loves to Happen” seminar (for business people) and our “What Really Matters” seminar (for young adults).
After preaching 30 years and now an “outsider” to churches of Christ, I can say there were more than a few times I would have loved to have acted out Jake’s fantasy!
Thanks for that affirmation, Greg (and qb and Mike).
While I’m out of my mind, let me continue …
We want to serve our neighborhoods as long as it doesn’t really interfere with our lives. Give us a special highly-publicized service day. Get it in the paper. Make a DVD for the website to congratulate ourselves.
Let us wail against immorality and injustice. But don’t ask me to downsize or to compromise or to give up my country club lifestyle.
Let us obfuscate with hard-nosed positions on homosexuality and abortion; but get the immigrants out of our back yards and back where they belong.
Let us build our multi-million dollar buildings, live our extravagant lifestyles, and demand the kind of worship assemblies we want.
Let us agonize about ways to change the trends of our congregational growth without asking the foundational questions — questions like: In this culture and in this changing community, is it POSSIBLE that faithful service to Jesus won’t mean numerical growth and might not mean that we look like we’ve always looked?
Let us continue to turn to studied people who live in a cocoon to come teach us how to live out in the world.
Ok. I’ll stop.
Thanks for the fantasy moment.
Just saw the flight attendant news story a few minutes ago, and as a teacher AND a minister’s wife, totally understood the flight attendant’s actions. And totally understand Jake’s fantasy. If this is what many are thinking, why do we keep going through the motions that keep others “happy?” There must be a kind way to do it, but are we being like Jesus if we let others keep us from being like Him?? Fighting a huge battle inside wondering what good comes from pretending things are fine…yet fearing the outcome of expressing what we think Jesus may want…
I try to watch the opening title sequence from the old Brit TV series “The Prisoner” until the urge passes. It’s sublimation, but it usually works. At least for a while.
http://www.amctv.com/originals/the-prisoner-1960s-series/
Kathy, I also retired early. It wasn’t the parents or the children – it was the administration. The business of teaching has become something that I could no longer stomach; and given the chance – I took it. The awesome thing is, already many wonderful things have come of it!! Only God could take something so unpleasant and make it a blessing!
In my fantasy I would like to stand up in the middle of all the sideline critics who are criticizing the institutional church , the one they say is still in the 50′s and 60′s , and ask each critic what they are doing to reach the lost and hurting world and also to tell them about all the past generations have done and their immense sacrifices , their millions of dollars poured into missions , benevolence , inner city works for decades, etc. I would also like to tell them , duh , when they say we have go beyond our bulidings to serve. I have known that and observed that all my life and I am 64 : lots of cups of cold water by Christians who quietly help people all day long all over this world.I would like to tell them that while we are in our buildings we have been teaching, worshipping , encouraging , crying with some and rejoicing with others , counseling , praying, etc. but this has been extended way beyond the buildings.I would like to tell them that most of this has been the involvement of those who are not paid one cent, but freely have given. And yes, they are following in the footsteps of Jesus and reaching those who have come into their line of daily vision and even those they do not know and have scrificed money, time and energy in Christ – like compassion for decades.I would like to tell them , yes , there have been enormous mistakes made , bad judgement at times, but would also like to say who has not. He who is without sin , or bad judgement , or has failed to help , etc. cast the first stone. I would like to tell those who are now finding grace, that I have known as have millions of others that we are saved by grace. I would like to ask those who have found grace , will they roll up their sleeves and go to work or do they just want to to gripe , complain , be bitter , and resentful.Jesus has already taught us , commanded us , now will we go and reach out ?
I’m so proud that Ray is my minister!! Keep talking, Ray!!
Glad Ray spoke up. We cannot paint everyone with the same brush. There are dedicated, self-sacrificing people in all churchs at all times. Let us not forget that, and let us love one another more.
Thank you, Ray! There is so much good in probably all congregations…it’s sad to see the focus on the minority who are discontented. My husband has preached and taught junior high/high school…nothing is perfect, but the blessings we have is because people who lived before us sacrificed, doing the best they knew to do.
Sandra – Has anyone indicated that there have not been dedicated, self-sacrificing people in all churches at all times? (By the way, that’s a refreshing departure from the perspective I was taught when I was young that the churches between the second and nineteenth centuries weren’t faithful!).
Yes, there are devoted Christians in Churches of Christ, Presbyterian Churches, Catholic Churches, and Baptist Churches. But that does not mean that we cannot push back against the things that keep us from mission (like Jake mentioned): an obsession with tweaking worship, an obsession with ourselves (our buildings and our own families).
I’d just like to encourage us to keep crying out “peace”! In fact, “peace, peace”!
(Jeremiah 6:14)
Jake: what’s Jesus drinking?
qb’s not Sandra or Ray, but qb’ll answer: no, noone here has set up that straw man that Ray has just blown down.
Of course it’s true and worthy of rejoicing that a great deal is being done to embody the gospel by the unnamed, ordinary person warming the pews. Noone is questioning that. Not in the least.
Ray’s indignant retort included the challenge: “what are you loudmouths doing to give a cup of water in Jesus’ name?” Answer: Do you really intend for your brothers and sisters to rehearse a litany of good works to justify themselves in your eyes? Of course you don’t. It’s an empty challenge that a person can use as a vehicle for rhetorical intimidation, knowing (or suspecting, or hoping) that it won’t elicit a response from these squeaky ne’er-do-wells prowling the “sidelines” – your word, Ray, not qb’s, and a loaded one at that.
But Ray might be surprised what he hears from the very people who are reclining on their side, Ezekiel style, in protest of deeply misguided church leadership. Some are bypassing distorted ecclesiastical priorities to give directly to charities that help the poor or single moms or abandoned children instead of helping to feather the preacher-CEO’s high-end nest. Others are downsizing their homes and setting to work, bringing hope to families whose fathers or mothers are in prison. Others are hiring pregnant high schoolers for low-stress desk-work so that these girls can earn a few dollars before the baby arrives.
Did that answer your question, Ray?
“Sidelines?”
Now, having summarily dispensed with the straw man, can we get back to the levity of the original substance, and the substance of the original levity?
amused qb
Nothing fancy, Andy. He’s happy to have a Bud Light on tap.
Thanks, qb. My fantasy tirade was directed against growth-hungry leaders who’ll do nearly anything under the guise of contemporary/missional/emergent/tradition — whatever. Just grow — in a way that is about making us happy and comfortable. Let us keep our prejudices, material possessions, and shallow theologies.
Ray B’s response completely misses the mark — despite Hurrah, Rays by a couple fans. (A group I also grow weary of: the “you don’t love this heritage as much as I do” crowd. Boy that gets old.)
And yes, yes. Back to the “levity of the original substance, and the substance of the original levity”!
Nothing fancy, Andy. He’s happy to have a Bud Light on tap.
Thanks, qb. My fantasy tirade was directed against growth-hungry leaders who’ll do nearly anything under the guise of contemporary/missional/emergent/traditional. Whatever. Just grow, in a way that is about making us happy and comfortable. Let us keep our prejudices, material possessions, and shallow theologies.
Ray B’s response completely misses the mark — despite Hurrah, Rays by a couple fans. (A group I also grow weary of: the “you don’t love this heritage as much as I do” crowd. Boy that gets old.)
And yes, yes. Back to the “levity of the original substance, and the substance of the original levity”!
qb and Jake, You really read more into my comment than was intended. I was not making a plea for keeping things just as they have always been, etc. As to being one of “couple of fans” of Ray, I have no idea who Ray is nor do I have any memory of anything he has written on this blog before. Thanks, Sandra
qb, sorry I reread the posts and realized I should have referred to Robbie, not you, in my last post. Posting is probably not for me anyway.
QB ,
Now you know I was speaking about the sideline critics , not those who are invovlved in the ways you mentioned, which by the way has been characteristic for decades by a diverse number of dedicated disciples who are not self- serving.
I also said something about there being many bad judgements, mistakes, etc. Since the first century.That would include all this current obsession with church growth that is more style than substance.
And levity , you did not sound like you were making a humorous statement.
Jake ,
You grow tired of the dont love the heritage as much as I do crowd. Ok. I am not sure what you mean. I also grow tired of those who think that the church of Christ has never accomplished anything of any substance.( not saying that is what you think)My point is that much good has been done, along with numerous mistakes ,( there , I now have said something about the mistakes, bad judgement, errors , etc. 3 times – the head of the church is perfect , so is the word, but the members are human and subject to the distotions that come from sin , including myself and every citizen in His kingdom – and will all be saved by the blood and grace) the same is true today and will be for as long as Jesus waits to return. Why can we not celebrate the good things done by all the generations ? I did not sense what you wrote was said to make us laugh.
Besides I was only writing my fantasy. I reread the opening statement and did not read where we were asked to share a funny, filled with levity and humorous ” chute escape fantasy .” What I wrote is my reaction to what I hear and read about and like you grow very tired of hearing and how I would like to respond the sideline critics , not the activist who see the problems but instead of just being bitter, resentful , harshly citical and somewhat self- righteous because they now have a new insight, instead they quietly go about the work of the kingdom without gutting the work of past generations. What happened to Mr. Slater was not for a belly laugh.
My dream is to simply leave this life with my dignity, faith, and integrity intact.
You liked DURIAN, Mike? Mercy. The closest qb could get was durian ice cream. Slimy onions would be the best description qb could come up with.
Amy LaMore – we are still on the same page. It was the administration and its lack of integrity that brought about my early retirement. Too many details to note here, but it just became more than I could support. So I walked away from it.
And back to the original theme. We’ve had it a bit backwards for the past couple of decades – trying to ‘work’ church from the inside out, rather than from outside, in the world, and bringing those needs inside to be addressed and attempted to solve. “….This is our reasonable sacrifice” – offering our bodies, our minds, our hearts to the world in compassion, caring, attention, giving of the cup of cold water of Jesus to cool the thirst of the lost, and that of our brothers/sisters in Him needing our encouragement. Doing so will bring whatever harvest God wishes to bring – we simply need to be about God’s work in this world – that’s our duty and hopefully, joyful task. Bringing the harvest belongs to God alone. Why do we so often forget it is God who will fill or empty our auditoriums, not our worship style?