Don’t Be the Cool Parents
One of my earlier posts (2005):
A while back I wrote about how pleasantly surprised we were by the message of the film “In Good Company.” By the previews it looked like a mindless plot about the romance between a hot-shot young executive (Topher Grace) and the college-age daughter (Scarlett Johansson) of the man whose place he took (Dennis Quaid) after a company buy-out.
But the romance is short-lived. The movie isn’t about that. Rather, it’s about the fathering of this young exec by the man he replaced. Near the end, he says to this older guy after being punched in the eye for sleeping with his daughter: “No one ever took the time to give me a hard time.”
What a great line.
I want to encourage all you younger parents out there in blogosphere. It is hard to be the parent who lovingly gives a hard time. It’s hard to be the one who enforces tv/computer time limits, homework, and bedtimes. It’s difficult to set age-appropriate limits to movies when “every other kids’ parents let them watch whatever they want.” It’s tough to be firm when you’re exhausted from work and life’s stresses.
But hang in there! Your kids are counting on you — whether they yet know it or not. (I just saw a teenager on the plane whose t-shirt had two words: NO LECTURES!)
Your children need to know that YOU are the parent. In too many homes, the children run everything by parents who are overly-eager to please. If they don’t like the Bible class, they don’t have to go. If they have more friends at another church, the family leaves. If they want to eat unhealthily — well, we reassure ourselves that at least they’re eating something. If there is a problem with a coach or a teacher, the child is always assumed to be right.
Be the adult! Be the loving, compassionate, tender, but very-much-in-charge parent! It’s one of life’s ironies: that the one thing kids say they don’t want (rules and limits) is what they need.
I’m not talking, of course, about being a tyrant or about being inflexible. I’m talking about being lovingly in charge.
It may seem to kids that parents who mind their own business, don’t serve vegies, let them wear whatever is in style, allow unlimited time on the net to chat, permit any movie to be shown when friends come over, and ask no questions about where they’re going in the evening are the cool parents.
Here’s my encouragement: Don’t try to be the cool parents. Be the parents who take the time and the love to give a hard time.
Eventually, when your kids age a bit, they’ll know that you really were the cool parents.
A piece of advice my mother gave me about raising my children was…”Be their parent, not their friend.”
Grace and peace,
Rex
This is true encouragement, the actual pouring of encouragement into the heart of another at the point of need. And impeccably – dare I say providentially? – timed for a father who is at this very moment tempted to lose hope and lose heart in precisely this area.
Gratefully,
qb
It is another form of child abuse, not giving any discipline. When we never give our children any kind of boundaries it will exasperate them , embitter them and discourage them. When you do , in love , correct , discipline and guide them , then later when they are adults they will tell you how cool you were.
thank you for the encouragement, mike! as a very young mother of two young children, i need all the encouragement i can get. even with my young 4 and 2-year-olds boundaries, limits, routines, and firm rules have made all the difference.
While in high school my son caught a ride every morning with his buddy next door and his Mom. He commented on how embarrased his friend was by the way his mother tried so hard to be “cool” by the way she dressed(like a teenager), the lingo she used etc. His parents were in constant competetion to see who could be the most hip. Sadly they divorced soon after the boys graduated.
My son thanked us later on that we never tried to be best buddies with him even though he knew he could always count on us. Now that he’s an adult we’re the best of friends. But in those years he didn’t need another pal-he needed a Mom and Dad who were firm but fair and there for him.
Thanks Mike. Great thoughts.
I had uncool parents. It was the best thing in the world that could have happened to me. I’m not a parent yet, but I’m already fairly sure my kids are going to be really angry with me sometimes. Hang in there QB, it really is the best thing you can do for you kids.
Well said Mike
I absolutely love this! I need to share it with about 119% of the parents I do family counseling with…HA! Thanks for sharing!
Amen and amen! Thank you for this blessed word of encouragement.
May God help us parents to do what is right and not what is easy.
My parents were not very cool… I think I turned out pretty well.
Mike,
A great post! Well said and should be helpful to many.
My parents were a mix of cool and embarrassing when I was younger…but they never tried to be the cool parents. Now that I’m grown up, I am SO thankful for that. And they’re now my friends.
I read a very compelling picture of spiritual growth of children this summer. The author said there is a progression throughout childhood which leads to adulthood. The three phases bleed over into each other, but are definitely a progression…. built on the previous phase. The three phases are:
1. Obedience
2. Teaching
3. Discipleship
This really makes sense to me. The goal we, as parents, have for our children is that before the exit the home we will have been able to be the one to disciple them. We want them to seek and find who Jesus wants them to be. However, how can a person be discipled who is disobedient and an untaught? How can a child be taught if he/she is disobedient? This rings so true in my ears.
I feel so convicted that our youngest children CAN learn obedience and can understand that mom and dad are in charge!!!!!
oh, and how exhausting it is!
Great post, Mike!
The best resource I have found for really solid parenting (and I’m in the business) is “ScreamFree Parenting” by Hal Runkel – an ACU grad. Then again, John Rosemond’s “Parenting by the Book” is quite excellent, as well. Of course, if folks want to jump way out on the limb, there is always http://www.hopeforyourfamily.com