Those Aren’t Fighting Words
I’d like to hear what others think about this article in the NY Times.
The word “differentiated” is used to describe people who are able to “hold onto themselves” even when there is pressure on the outside. They are able to withstand childish behavior without screaming back. They can avoid letting the other person’s anger become their own anger. They learn not to blame how they are acting on someone else. They have an inner compass that guides their own actions and words. They have learned how to stay in adult (mature) mode.
Read the article and try to imagine how this might impact: marriages . . . friendships . . . churches . . . communities.
Just a sample:
Here’s a visual: Child throws a temper tantrum. Tries to hit his mother. But the mother doesn’t hit back, lecture or punish. Instead, she ducks. Then she tries to go about her business as if the tantrum isn’t happening. She doesn’t “reward” the tantrum. She simply doesn’t take the tantrum personally because, after all, it’s not about her.
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Here’s a concise, responsible piece on eschatology by John Mark Hicks. You might want to take time to work through his whole series.
Excellent article. Her methods worked, but I do wonder how she works through his boorish behavior from his decision to emotionally return home moving forward? In other words – what does she do with his 6 months worth of hurtful language? Can you just forgive and forget? Apparently maybe she can.
I believe that Joshua was the best example of being differentiated.
“And if it is evil in your eyes to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your fathers served in the region beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you dwell. But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” Joshua 24:15
Great story, Mike. Many of us need the reassurance that others, especially those close to us, think like we do, agree with us, have the same point of view. And if they don’t, we try to change them.
If we could each have Laura’s perspective, relationships would last longer, there would be less anger in the world. All in all, we’d see improvement in everything.
Now, how to implement … and make everyone have my point of view!!!
I was blown away by this story when I read it the other day. At the most basic level, it was simply refreshing to hear a “good” story about marriage these days, and about someone acting with wisdom therein. To do what Laura did, though, requires a great deal of empathy — the ability to imagine one self in another’s shoes — and we humans just aren’t very good at that. (We don’t even want our Supreme Court justices to have it!)
The ability to step back from an offense and think about what is really going on is highly unusual, but crucial. On a spiritual level, doesn’t Laura’s action within her marriage have “Jesus” written all over them?
This article intrigued me when I first read it. At first Ms. Munson seemed naive to me, but now I think, ultimately, this is a woman who knows her husband — knows exactly what he needs — better than anyone else. When she speaks of his behavior — the decision to walk out on their family — it’s as if she’s speaking about someone with a mental illness, who needs support and healing. I admire that, and especially liked what she had to say about not suffering, and how she was choosing not to rage and cry over this circumstance. Clearly we don’t have the whole story from this short article, and I find it difficult to believe that infidelity did not play a part, but still. I am inspired by her commitment, when her marriage vows were truly tested. I hope that I could show the same compassion and strength.
As a marriage and family therapist, I tried hard to not like this article… then it occurred to me that therapists do not have the corner on the market of creative ways to save a marriage. This is an unbelievable article about a “Christ”- response from someone who doesn’t even mention Jesus.
I passed it on to my wife who is leading a class this fall on hard topics that women (and men) need to hear. This woman “fought” for her marriage without fighting. She loved him AND gave him space…. remarkable.
An amazing display of strength and wisdom. I really enjoyed the read.
Interesting article…I am glad their marriage seems to be on the right course again but I am a bit skeptical too. I would love to hear what someone thinks who has been through a divorce or has been through intense marriage difficulty. While I applaud Laura’s composure during such a crisis and the outcome that composure helped facillitate, there are certain problems (sufferings) that remain beyond the control of humanity. Yet there was a part of me that heard the long-held myth that we are in control of our own destiny by the choices we make and the actions we take. What would Laura have thought of her choice had her husband proceeded on with a separation and subsequent divorce?
Am I hearing too much?
Grace and peace,
Rex
How timely this article is for me. My husband is going through a horrible time — his favorite outlet for pain is me. Last week there was a major eruption and I decided to do the same thing Laura did. While I am not saying it is not painful, I am saying that there is a certain peace in not engaging. Sometimes I have to leave the room but I don’t supply ammo any more.
I don’t have an out for this marriage. Believe me, I have begged and pleaded with God for escape but the vow I made still holds. It’s a challenge. I’m not anywhere close to perfect in dealing with it but it’s the right choice for me. I also know that if my husband decides to leave, God will provide for me. He promised.
Great story. I am working through a book, “When People are Big and God is Small” by Edward Welch in an adult study. The premise is needing people less but loving them more because God has become bigger than the people around us, as he is and ought to in our lives. And so this story, while absent of the role of God, fits beautifully
What a wonderful article. Thanks for sharing it.
I read this on GKB’s facebook the other day and it has stuck with me. I think it is incredible!
Tina, may you know the very real presence of the Lord and the kind of comfort that only He can provide.
Mostly a lurker here, but had to comment today.
Incredible article – thanks for sharing. It made me cry, because I’ve been right where she was – “I don’t love you anymore. I don’t want to be married to you anymore”. My ex-husband walked out the door to live with someone else and I didn’t have a chance to try her approach.
I can’t look back with regrets, because I’m married now to a fabulous man, and was able to have two children that I never thought I’d have. However, if I am 100% honest, there will always be a part of me that will wonder, “what if”. What if I’d hung in just a bit longer, not moved on so quickly, or had more patience with his bad decisions at the time. I’ll never really know what might have happened, but her article hit me deep down in the gut where those “what ifs” lie.
God has taken a broken situation in my life and given me something wonderful in return, but there will always be a wound – which is why I think God hates divorce so much. The wounds it leaves behind never really can be healed completely.
If I ever find myself living through something like this again, you can bet I’ll be printing off her article and reading it many times a day. In fact, I have a good friend going through something similar, and it’s making me re-think my approach to supporting her. Yep, off to print…
Thanks, Mike…
The NYT putting out an article about civility? How…timely! This method might have worked out for this couple, but not every couple. As this is a specific situation between two people, I think its a gross oversimplification to attempt to apply this approach to other aspects of our lives. This feels like your setting us up for a rhetorical finger-wagging – we’re supposed to be peace-makers, so don’t make trouble.
I think it’s hard to describe her behavior as Christ-like without knowing the entire story. First, we are required to assume that she’s the injured party. That her husband’s mid-life whatever was not imprinted with her contributions. She might have been a pain for 10 years. Who knows? We only know her side, and from that we can’t ascertain if what she did was truly appropriate. He came back, sure. But came back to what? Did he come around and decide to love her again or did he decide that it was too much trouble to leave? My parents couldn’t stand each other for most of the 30+ years of their marriage, but my mom still made dinner every night, and my dad still mowed the grass. Is passive contempt, better than active contempt? What does that prove? And what about the kids? Did they become surrogate spouses for their parents in the interim? Were they the go-betweens, fielding snide, passive-aggressive comments between their parents?
I think we often confuse civility with silence and candor with aggression. How can you have a civil discussion if you exclude some of the people from talking or being heard? Sometimes you have to overturn tables. Sometimes, the child throws a tantrum in the parking lot and you have to pick him up so they don’t get hit by a car. Sometimes, you have to tell a friend they are in an abusive relationship, even if it costs you their friendship. Sometimes, if you ask your representative a direct question and he gives you a talking point instead of answer, you have to raise your voice to get noticed.
A few years after my parents divorced, I returned to the church where I grew up and my mother still attends. I hadn’t been there in years. I spoke to a woman I knew as a teen. Only a few questions in she asked,”Why did your parents get divorced?” Growing up, my sisters and I spoke with many Christian adults in our lives about my parents’ troubled relationship. They listened thoughtfully, but never spoke to my parents. No elder came to our house. I guess they didn’t buy that our family wasn’t what it appeared.
You know why people have stopped coming to church? It’s not that we live in a Post-Christian America, it’s because churches resemble country clubs more than the body of Christ. They are too comfortable with their lives. They don’t want to upset people. They don’t want to intervene, because it might cost them personally. They’ll put in a prayer request with a “Bless their hearts…” followed by all the gory details and then what? They know they should do something, but they don’t? Where’s the righteous anger? What’s wrong with a passionate debate? There’s a lot of people out there who need defending and protecting. Who need a voice. Sometimes, it’s necessary to raise our voices, so the silent can be heard. I’m not advocating violence, but sometimes you can’t solve everything pontificating around a coffee shop table.
Thanks so much for these responses — especially those who took a chance in sharing your stories. Some of you missed the point, INHO. This is an example of someone who decided to remain an adult, someone who decided to “hold onto herself” in the midst of a storm. As Christ-followers, we might call this living by the power of the Spirit. But even if she isn’t a Christ-follower, it’s a great example of a strongly differentiated person.
“Yet there was a part of me that heard the long-held myth that we are in control of our own destiny by the choices we make and the actions we take.” Rex, I believe that perhaps misses the point. This isn’t about being in control of our own destinies — her husband could well have left for good — but about being in control of our own words and behavior. Someone else can’t MAKE me angry. Someone else can’t MAKE me bitter. All through my life I have choices about how I’m going to live. Will I be a child? or an adult?
Love the story. Her actions took great courage and faith. She refused to be controlled by fear and rejection. The fact that she would set a table for four without even knowing if he would be there was powerful to me.
Concerning your tennis match, I was there when Chris beat you in ping-pong for the first time. He had just beat me like 21-7…LEFT-HANDED!
Mike,
I see the point you and others are making and I do appreciate the way she continued to love her husband even when he is telling her how he no longer loves her. Can I recant my initial observation?
Any ways…I guees we can learn from reading blog rather than just stubbornly aguing at each other
.
Grace and peace,
Rex
This would make Eddie P. smile!
Someone here asked what a person who has gone through the grief and tragedy of a divorce thinks about this article. I’m one of them, loved the article, and hold such admiration for her courage, a courage I never found in myself. It never occurred to me to wonder if she was a Believer or no – her decisions and actions spoke powerfully to me as a witness to the stamina one finds in a follower of Jesus.
It isn’t difficult to spot a person that still carries the pain of divorce, be it their own or a loved ones….and my personal details will add nothing to this conversation, but enough to say, by whatever means available to help save your marriage, thereby avoiding the never healing scars of divorce, Go for it!! [caveat-if your life is threatened or those of your children - leave!!! You can work on saving the marriage, if it's possible, at a safe distance.]
I’d read this article on, of all places, a political message board – one I’ve frequented for nearly 10 years. We’re close friends of diverse backgrounds and belief structures and interestingly, had as many varied reactions to this article as have been presented here.
Loved the article, Mike. Thanks for a second read in a second venue.
You cannot choose your friends, but you choose your enemies
What if they were one, one in the same?
-Derek Webb
What if, like the woman in the article, we learned to deal with conflict not from a “I can’t believe they are acting like this to me. I’m innocent and I don’t deserve this” but from the perspective that there is something bigger going on here, forces that we don’t even understand. We are all sick and it shows up in different ways. So instead of thinking that I’m the most important in this story, remember that God is most important and that he has, just like Hosea and Gomer, continued to love us through our rejection of him. Because he knows that we do truly love Him, even if we don’t know it.
Love is a powerful thing. She didn’t ignore that there were issues, and she certainly wasn’t “doing nothing”. She was intentional in continuing to love her husband through his continued rejection of that love…. until that, well, what we might call grace or forgiveness broke the power of sin over him.
One might call that salvation.
Mike. I also appreciate the article, and understand the need for adults to be differentiated (mature). But what about those instances where justice requires a “tantrum.” I think of Galatians for example – a pretty big tantrum!