“I am part of the fastest growing demographic in the United States,” writes Miriam Neff in CT. “Who are we? We are the invisible among you — the widows.”
She includes this very helpful “Please Do, and Please Don’t” list:
1. Please do stay connected. Do not assume we need “space” to grieve. There is already a huge hole in our universe.
2. Please do say you are sorry for our loss. Do not tell us you understand, unless you do from personally experiencing the loss of a spouse. . . .
3. Please call and ask specific questions, such as “Can we go for a walk together? May I run errands for you? Meet you for coffee?” Do not say, “Call me if you need anything.”
4. Please refer to our husband’s acts and words, both serious and humorous.
5. Please invite us to anything. We may decline but will appreciate being asked. Do not assume we no longer want to participate in couples events.
6. Please accept that we are where we are. . . . Our experiences are so different, as are we. So are our journeys through grief. Do not assume we go through the grief process “by the book.”
7. Do say, “I’ve been thinking of you” rather than make a conversation-only offer, such as “We’ll call you, and we’ll go out to dinner” — unless you can follow up. We’d love that, too.
This list is a prime example of how important a check list is to the church.
post script. love the title of your post
Much on this list serves the single again, as well as the long-term widow or single. Being a non-couple can be one of the loneliest places to be in a church family.
I’d suggest everyone one pick one or two non-marrieds [be they women OR men,] observing them for a few weeks as they leave church on Sunday’s - or where they are during “all church” activities. Then do something about it, would be my suggestion.
The title was hers. And yes, I liked it too.
These are very true words–and I have lived it.
I echo what Kathy said about much of this applying to singles as well…..
I like the list. I would say that the items do not have a time limit. Even after 17 years of widowhood,they still hold true. Judy Thomas
I actually had a young man come by after a hail storm to see if I needed help. He found a tarp and covered my broken skylight. There are people who walk out of church with me to the parking lot every now and then to make sure my tires are okay and all the lights working. Another young man asks me what needs fixing at my house? Other people have asked me to join them on a camping trip or to go with them to the mountains or would I join them to go to Disney World. The dinner invitations are nice, but so is the invitation to watch a movie from Blockbuster’s. God has been really good to surround this widow with a lot of good people.
Thanks! I never know what to say in these types of situations and everything sounds dumb. This is helpful.
Blessings!
One more suggestion: Please do not assume that if a widow has family in town or nearby that all her needs are met. She needs other people, because she needs to know they care. Also, sometimes the in-town family members have crisis situations they are dealing with.
There was a time when I was taking care of not only Mother but my in-laws 60 miles away…also, my husband was going through serious medical problems which meant 12 to 20 trips a month to a medical facility 60 miles away for tests and treatment.
If it had not been for several close friends (including one who is also a professional counselor) who were keeping a watch on ME, I probably would have “crashed.” I didn’t have to call them…they called me.
It takes more than physical family at times, and this is where God’s family is such a wonderful blessing. I would come in after long days out of town with doctors to find my lawn mowed, a Dixie Cafe or Ryan’s gift certificate on the door, a note saying to call and they would bring over supper…often that they had already taken supper to Mother.
These wonderful people didn’t call and say, “Call me if you need anything”…they went ahead and did something, and often it was anonymous, so I will never know who some of them were.
Mike,
While I was studying at TEDS in Chicago, my wife and I lived in Bob and Miriam Neff’s basement. Miriam is a fantastic Christian woman, and I would recommend reading her other books or even inviting her to come speak to your church.
Incidentally, she has a Web site devoted to helping widows: http://www.widowconnection.com.
After reading that great article “the Widow’s Might I have been writing my own account. This has been theraputic for me. I too have been deserted by my church family, that is hard to take, and difficult to understand. While I may sit in the back of the church, I have not gone out the back door. God has given me Isaiah 54, and the wonderful promises in tht chapter. I am a bible teach, and now use my gifting at a faith based transitional home for women. How wonderful to see those lives changed as they submit their lives to Jesus. Dori