No One Took the Time to Give Me a Hard Time
Just when the networks are laying out their best for February ratings, I’m stuck in winter re-runs.
Recently I’ve heard a couple parents talking about the pressure to be their child’s best friend. One is a mother who has the hard job of being firm with her teenage daughter — even while the stepmother is trying to be the cool best friend and while the teenager is making her feel guilty for being so “mean.”
So, here are some words I wrote a couple years ago:
A while back I wrote about how pleasantly surprised we were by the message of the film “In Good Company.” By the previews it looked like a mindless plot about the romance between a hot-shot young executive (Topher Grace) and the college-age daughter (Scarlett Johansson) of the man whose place he took (Dennis Quaid) after a company buy-out.
But the romance is short-lived. The movie isn’t about that. Rather, it’s about the fathering of this young exec by the man he replaced. Near the end, he says to this older guy after being punched in the eye for sleeping with his daughter: “No one ever took the time to give me a hard time.”
What a great line.
I want to encourage all you younger parents out there in blogsphere. It is hard to be the parent who lovingly gives a hard time. It’s hard to be the one who enforces tv/computer time limits, homework, and bedtimes. It’s difficult to set age-appropriate limits to movies when “every other kids’ parents let them watch whatever they want.” It’s tough to be firm when you’re exhausted from work and life’s stresses.
But hang in there! Your kids are counting on you — whether they yet know it or not. (I just saw a teenager on the plane whose t-shirt had two words: NO LECTURES!)
Your children need to know that YOU are the parent. In too many homes, the children run everything by parents who are overly-eager to please. If they don’t like the Bible class, they don’t have to go. If they have more friends at another church, the family leaves. If they want to eat unhealthily — well, we reassure ourselves that at least they’re eating something. If there is a problem with a coach or a teacher, the child is always assumed to be right.
Be the adult! Be the loving, compassionate, tender, but very-much-in-charge parent! It’s one of life’s ironies: that the one thing kids say they don’t want (rules and limits) is what they need.
I’m not talking, of course, about being a tyrant or about being inflexible. I’m talking about being lovingly in charge.
It may seem to kids that parents who mind their own business, don’t serve vegies, let them wear whatever is in style, allow unlimited time on the net to chat, permit any movie to be shown when friends come over, and ask no questions about where they’re going in the evening are the cool parents.
Here’s my encouragement: Don’t try to be the cool parents. Be the parents who take the time and the love to give a hard time.
Eventually, when your kids age a bit, they’ll know that you really were the cool parents.
Great advice, Mike. A great illustration of letting children take charge of the household is the classic Twilight Zone episode where Billy Mummy keeps sending folks he doesn’t like into the corn field. All the parents are paralyzed by this creepy eight-year old. And all that his mother and father say to this monster after he sends another adult into the corn field is, “It’s good what you did… it’s real good.”
Rod Serling had some wise insights into the pitfalls of letting kids take control.
Mike…..This could be the best post you have ever had for parents…..young and old alike. Thanks for posting these thoughts because they are so true and so important. By the way…when my kids were younger the last thing I wanted to be was their best friend….give me a break…..my best friend my three year old or my twelve year old! Now and only now is when I want to be friends with my kids who are now 24 and 21 years old…..I’m still not sure I want to be best friends. Again……GREAT POST !
Well said Rob
Parents of children should be parents and not friends. Parents of teenagers are not supposed to be “Cool” but are supposed to be leaders and molders. Teenager seem to change on a daily basis it is important that we remain steadfast and consistant. Parents of adults can finaly afford to be a friend and confidant but still need to have some distance to “ADVISE” our children of times when we feel they are realy blowing it. However at this point we need to remember that it is their choice to take that advice or not. Good post Mike thanks
Excellent post! Very well said…..
That’s a great thought. We just prayed for a mother in our house church last night about this very issue. My wife and I have a 9 month old and I can now see how easy it would be for parents to fall into this trap. Thanks for the reminder!
By the way, In Good Company is an excellent movie. I would highly recommend it…
Great post. It’s the same for Teachers as well. Too often young Teachers want their students to like them and think they are cool. Mr. Hand (Fast Times) is a great example of the kind of Teacher you should be.
Very good post, Mike. Do you mind if we use it in our bulletin, with appropriate credit?
AMEN and AMEN!! GREAT words to parents these days!!
Marilyn
I love Harry Truman’s oft quoted line, “If you want a friend, buy a dog!” Friendship can be like happiness. The more you pursue it the more elusive it becomes. However, when you set your course and decide who you want to be, the happiness and friendships come naturally.
This thirst for friendship that we have, is often expressed in strange ways since building and maintaining them is so difficult in today’s society. Darryl Tippen’s book, Pilgrim Heart: The Way of Jesus in Everyday Life, has a great chapter on the subject. It should be a part of every Bible calss curriculum.
Great post! We ran into trouble when we did not allow our sons to do things some of their friends did…”Aw, Mom, everyone is going to that movie!” Later, some of my friends told me it made it easier to say “No” to their children, because they KNEW I would be saying “No” to mine about the issue. Our younger son left a birthday bunking party of one of his best friends when he was about 7th grade because the parents had gone to bed and the friend had found a movie on cable for the boys to watch…and the next day the mom was mortified that her son had done that. It’s easier establish authority and stand firm early on…when they think you can do no wrong…than later when teen pressures make them wonder if you just crawled out from under a rock.
Thanks for the encouragement! It’s so hard to find the appropriate balance between tyrant and friend to just be a parent. Especially when any rules enforced these days makes a parent seem to be a tyrant compared to other parents. Thanks for blogging!!!
Words of wisdom, indeed! I once read that it sometimes seems like we parents are doing little more than feeding the mouth that bites us. Perhaps that’s a bit cynical.
When our children mature enough to graciously forgive our many mistakes and give us credit for trying our hardest, parenthood takes on a whole new meaning. Then we are able to see from a completely different perspective why it is so important to take the time to give our children a hard time about the things that really matter.
Blessings,
-bill
Great thoughts. I needed the reminder and encouragement that I’m not crazy…
Josh
Sheesh, I needed this today. Two teenage boys. Good boys, but yes teenagers. I just need to remember that there’s a lot of different ways to show them my love: And you can spell love: T-I-M-E. L-I-S-T-E-N. T-O-U-C-H. R-U-L-E-S.
I’m sure there are many other ways to spell “Love” too, but the R-U-L-E-S, may be the toughest.
Young moms and dads: You are NOT crazy. It feels like it sometimes, especially when “everyone else’s” parents seem more permissive. But hang in there. Your children need your very best — even if that means that for the moment you aren’t nominated by them as Parent of the Year.
TWD – You’re welcome to use this. Thanks for asking.
Hey Mike, thanks so much for those words of encouragement for parents! I love sitting at the feet of great parents and listening to their wisdom. By the way, I was saving a book to tell you about at Pepperdine, but it doesn’t look like I’m going to make it this year. “The Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid” by Bill Bryson. If you enjoyed Billy Crystal’s “700 Sundays” you will love this one. Great read, will have you on the floor, about growing up during the 50’s. I know that’s a little before your time, but still a wonderful read about growing up in the middle of America during a great time!
“So God created humans in his own image. He created them to be like himself. He created them male and female.” Genesis 1:27.
Until we as parents understand, live and talk His divine nature in our own lives, our children experience mixed messages. God gives us limits and boundaries to keep us safe and happy–it is when we are deceived by Satan we move the boundaries and loose direction.
Make a covenant with your children that both of you will examine areas of your lives that are not “healthy” and will talk about them openly. Be respectful of each other and don’t make excuses to justify the behavior. Before the end of the conversation, you must formulate a plan to reset the boundaries. Hold each other accountable. From personal experience, everybody will grow closer to each other and to God!
Thanks for the reminder Mike, even from this Family Therapist/Preaching Minister/Parent of teenagers. I get lazy thinking that everything is OK sometimes, like thework is behing me.
Mine are doing amazingly well with all of this but I tell parents all the time (and this is not to pat my own back -or my wife’s) – it is because we started very early with the work of parenting. Notice that word – WORK. You should see the looks I get in therapy when I talk about getting to work, or getting back to the work of parenting.
It’s work: amazing, blessed, wouldn’t-trade-it-for-anything-in-this-world work, but it’s work just the same. God’s work.
Spot on. Thanks.
My mom is the paragon of your virtue today. She was so dedicated to making sure that my brother and I were holy people first foremost. She was well known for being very, um, sensitive about the movies we could see. When I was in 5th grade, I had a slumber party with about 7 of my buds. Mom took us to see a midnight showing of a movie and bought us popcorn and drinks. Literally 45 seconds into the movie, my wise 7th grade friend looked down the row at all of us and said, “Eat fast, boys. We aren’t gonna be here long.” He was right. Mom pulled us out of the movie in about 5 minutes. And I love her for it. It gives me permission to be the man God wants me to be.
Jordan, send that to Reader’s digest. I am still laughing
Mike,
Great post. Reminds me of a post a couple of years ago on Father’s Day. From my observations one of the greatest needs of teens today. Especially for fathers to step up and be fathers. We had a situation this weekend where one of my kids was planning to go to the movies with a group of friends from school, some of the opposite sex, I checked out the movie on screenit.com and it was not appropriate. I had to call one of the dad’s and tell him the movie wasn’t appropriate. He sincerely thanked me and they found another movie. My child was not happy. SHe got over it and it was a good lesson and reminder for both of us.
Thanks for this, Mike. With Harry having entered the terrible twos, it’s incredible to see what “old school” “hard nosed” parents we seem like to a lot of other parents in downtown Austin.
Just the other day, Rachel, Harry, and I were in a Barnes and Noble and had found some small trinket to buy for Harry. As we went up to the register, I took the toy from Harry to pay for it and he had a fit. Rachel calmly explained to Harry why he wouldn’t be getting the toy at all and I calmly walked the toy back to the shelf. As I did, a mom standing near me said “I didn’t know you could do that” with a whisper that was almost awestruck.
Shannon,
I’ve got a dozen more stories just like that one. Like the time my mom made the entire 450 member Cooper band get up and leave “Look Who’s Talking 2″ when we went to march in the Rose Parade. Oh yeah. It happened.
Mike, When my oldest son, Nate, was about 3 years old, he had a bad habit of saying to his mom when he didn’t get his way -”You’re not my friend!” He never said this in front of me. His mother was concerned and a little hurt by this. He finally slipped one day and said it to me when he didn’t get his way. I told him “You’re right, I’m not your best friend; I’m your worst nightmare…” He never said it again. Children don’t need for their parents to be their best friends. They are in a power struggle for dominance and they “NEED” a benevolent dictator. Now that he’s married and in Graduate school, he’s become my friend or as Golda said in “Fiddler” he’s become a person. May God bless all of you new parents….the adventure is worth it. Thanks for the great post Mike. Bob Lollar
Amen! and Thank you! We (”mean” parents) need support too! I ‘ve watched so many people get run over by their kids and they are miserable for it. Now that I do have an actual teenager, I see how it could happen & what the temptations of a parent are. I pray daily that God will give me the wisdom to know what to do and the strength to actually do it.
Oh and I’ve actually thought of having tshirts made that say “MEAN MOMS RULE!”
After several long years of conflict with my teen…a good kid, but wanted to walk alittle too close the line for me…all those arguements and trying not to give up or lessen the rules…..she is off to college. When she came she looked me in the eye and said
Of this I struggle. I want to make sure I do things God’s way. But I so struggle. I’m afraid I fall more toward the tyrant side, but that’s not where I want to be. I wish kids (especially teenagers) came with a step by step, illustrated manual. Ya’ll don’t know me, but please pray for me. This being a teenager’s parent thing is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. And I dont’ think I do a very good job most of the time. Or at least it doesn’t feel that way. Every day brings a new challenge and a new mood from the teenager.
This is kind of latecoming so I don’t know how many will read it, but I want to say that I think one of the key things parents should establish along with rules is reasons for rules. Just establishing arbitrary-seeming guidelines for kids, even if they are in the kids’ best interest, is much better than no guidelines but can also lead to a lot of misunderstanding, resentment, and rebellion. I don’t have any kids myself, but I’m 22 and when I think back on my upbringing, one of the things I am most grateful to my parents for is having solid reasoning behind their rules and for patiently answering my questions “why do I have to…?” and “but why can’t I…?”
I remember once a youth minister at a rehearsal for a youth group musical production yelled at a kid. I was an adult chaperone and assistant director at the event. Later, the youth minister called me to apologize for having yelled at the kid (not my kid, by the way) and said they had worked it out.
I told the youth minister not to apologize, and that, in my opinion, more kids are ruined by NOT being yelled at than by BEING yelled at.
Of course, yelling is not the ideal. Ideally, we’ll have a great strategy for heading bad behavior off at the pass; we’ll set limits that are perfectly fair and explain them clearly; we’ll calmy inform kids of the consequences of thier actions while showing pity and concern….
That would be nice, but now and then, things will get out of hand. And then, like I say, yelling at a kid is far from the worst thing that could happen to them. Better to be yelled at than to learn a lifestyle of promiscuity, overindulgence, and selfishness.