I saw the video clip this morning from a courtroom where a 50-year-old father attacked the man who broke into the home where his daughter and grandchild were sleeping. The father had listened to the 911 tape where his daughter, having heard a window break through the babysitter machine, called for help — the desperation, then the screams as the man entered her bedroom with a large knife, then the struggle just as police broke in to save her. It was more than the dad could take.
There’s no way to justify his action in court.
However, if anyone takes up a collection to pay for his disruption of court costs, I’d like to contribute.
It reminds me of the old saying: “A neoconservative is a liberal with a teenage daughter.” (The mirror saying is that “a neoliberal is a conservative with a son who’s gay.”)
Our instincts to protect and love our children have a way of changing us, don’t they? I remember a well-known minister/teacher who held a hardline on divorce and remarriage until his own children went through that traumatic experience. His views changed.
This could, of course, be bad: it could just be our attempts to justify our behaviors. On the other hand, I believe sometimes it takes family trauma for us to get in touch with the basic compassion and hope of the gospel.
“There’s no way to justify his action in court.”
I would love to give it a try.
If I was that 50-yr-old guy, you’d be the lawyer I’d want by my side. Then they’d be thinking, well at least it was the little guy that did the attacking.
When a group of elders were going to pull support from some missionaries in Africa because of drums being played, I asked an elder this question: “Would you still be willing to pull support if your grandchildren were the ones who were going to possibly miss out on a chance of hearing the Gospel”. His response was: “you can’t ask me that…….it brings emotion into the decision”. No, I’m not kidding. I kept pressing him, and he finally admitted that if his grandchildren were over there and this was their only chance to hear the Gospel, he would NOT want to pull support. I reminded him gently that they WERE somebody else’s grandchildren, and even more important………they are THE FATHER’S children. The sad ending to the story is that the elders ended up pulling their support anyway. The good news is that the missionaries found other support, and are still there spreading the Good News of a Savior named Jesus Christ.
DU
David - I’ve known bits and pieces of that story, but that adds a whole new dimension. Thanks, friend, for that great example. It is a good question for us to ask: “What if it were my grandkids?”
You bring up an excellent, but difficult point: the existence of “good” and “evil”. Are there really such things? Your example of a loving father who just couldn’t handle this situation makes it somewhat easy for us to see that perhaps, not every violent (and thus seemingly “evl”) act is unjustified. When the twin towers were attacked, I thought that was nothing but pure evil. But to those who did it, it was not: it was–to them–a justified move by desperate people to bring about something for their betterment. Maybe “evil” and “good” are just a matter of perspective?
When it comes to change in churches, Lyle Schaller says that David U.’s question is the one that has the power to move the discussion along: What would you be willing to see change if it meant that your adult children and your grandchildren stayed with the faith? A good exercise in separating the negotiables from the non, yes?
Andy Stanley challenges preachers to carefully consider their message each week by asking the question, “What if this Sunday was the last chance your son/daughter was going to give the Gospel?” And in reality, every Sunday, somebody’s child is giving one last chance to the gospel!
And yes, being a father changes you. I am an arachnophobe, and a spider crawled out on the floor at my little girl. I smashed it with my bare hands before I could even think. (This was an example of a violent, yet not evil, act) Impressed with my manly bare-hand-spider-killing instinct that had lain dormant for decades, I celebrated with red meat and random gunfire while listening to Mike Gallager.
The saddest situations to me is when parents (in the church or otherwise, though I’ve seen it most in the church) put that doctrinal issue or disagreement (minor or major) before their kids, resulting in astraingement. Is anything worth astraingement? I can’t think of an issue in the world that would cause me to cut off contact with a child of mine.
Rest assured if anyone caused harm to one of my daughters - my mind would not be filled, initially at least, with thoughts from Jesus. Thus, all the more inspiring example we had from the Amish community that their loving children murdered — and the resulting actions and attitudes they showed.
Family is both a blessing and a curse in the Kingdom of God. Kin selection, a facet of Darwinian theory, undermines all notions that family is somehow an unmitigated good. Deep in family is a genetic selfishness. When Christians tout “family values” they are holding aloft the trophy of Darwinian Theory. Which is kind of ironic.
I believe this is why Jesus was suspicious of family. Not that family was bad. It is a wonderful gift. It just that it has the tendency to be selfish. So Jesus asks that we treat everyone as family. We are brothers and sisters in Christ. Now that is hard to pull off! Family is natural, but church–the Family of God–is hard work. (Well, even biological family is hard work at times…)
It is interesting how in the last post almost all of the examples about people staying together in love despite deep differences of conviction were familial examples. Now, if we could treat everyone as family that would be decidedly UNnatural, a testimony over against Darwinian thinking. That testimony could not be dismissed by the hermeneutics of suspicion.
“if you greet only your brothers what credit is that to you?” Jesus
My greatest fear is that something could happen to my children that is beyond my control. [Most things are beyond my control, but that is another subject.]
I’ve heard someone say that our children are our hearts running around outside of us. I like your post title, and one way children change us is they make us vulnerable in a way that nothing else can.
A few years ago there was a movie starring Liam Nieeson called Before and After. It was about how the paretnts of a teenage boy responded after discovering that he had killed his girlfriend accidently. In stead of dealing with the reality of the situation and calling the authorities, the parents try to cover up the crime. In the process, they end up hurting their son much more than if they had simply told the truth. The point of the movie is that we need to be more concerned with truth than we are with simply protecting our loved ones.
I think that the movie tells more truth than we care to hear. When confronted with our childrens’ shortcomings, we need to ask ourselves, “Is it true?” not “Why are you attacking my child?”
A few years ago I was confronted with a situation where a child in my daughter’s first grade class hit her in the neck. I confronted him about it while having lunch with my daughter the next day, he denied ever having hit her. I didn’t pursue it but I told him that boys don’t hit girls, ever. I figured that he was just playing aound and got a little careless. No big deal, but he did need to understand that you can’t play with girls the same way you play with your buddies. When the parents were asked about it, they took his side and defended him without ever questioning whether he was telling the truth or not. It disturbs me when I see this attitude of “my family right or wrong.” I wonder what effect it has on our kids when they are defended tooth and nail even when they are in the wrong. What are we trying to protect them from anyway? Consequences?
Jordan Hubbard-
I love the spider story!
Is that why I am not “spooked” by noises in the night when my small children are in the house as opposed to if (on rare occasion) I am alone? Children certainly bring out untapped superpowers at times. My hand-eye coordination is dismal in sports, but I can catch a falling glass behind me with two sacks of groceries in my hands, one kid holding onto my leg a phone to my ear!
I do not have a temper. I’ve often been told I have the patience of Job when dealing with my kids and the slew of kids that are in and out of my house on an hourly basis. You can mistreat me and run over me and I sit quietly hurt. BUT, u mess with one of my kids and the thing I call the Mommy Monster comes to life. Not a pretty thing. I go blind and cannot hear or think rationally. It’s ugly really, and luckily, It has only reared its head a hand full of times. Once when a child (yes,a child) said to me, after my son came off the pitching mound, that he couldn’t pitch worth sh-t! Off I went and told that young poor third baseman that I thought he could polish up on his catching skills as well. Later of course I was ashamed. But the words were already out there and couldn’t be retrieved. I don’t have to wonder why my boy’s are extremely hesitent about telling me when someone is messing with them. I tell this to say yes I can totally relate to the 50yr. old father
Mike, I think part of what I hear you saying is that experience is a lens (or filter) in how we interpret life. Usually, its a lens we hardly notice. But there are times (like a tragic moment) when we become much more aware or responsive to this lens. Perspectives, beliefs and convictions are affected by this lens of experience. And since experience is a continually developing thing, our attitudes, self-understanding and even beliefs are all under continual development.
Jordon, quit trying to fool everyone - we know you’re not afraid of anything. Miss you bud.
That’s why I’m glad my daddy is my daddy.
One glance from him was enough to scare a few potential boyfriends away.
Richard,
After a comment like that, I’m going over and subscribing to your blog right now!
Hub-Daddy
Here’s hoping that no one comes at her in a clown costume! Okay, so Debbie can take care of that situation.
Miss you
First guns now violence. What next, the Wall Street Journal.
I have definitely been changed by my children, and know I will continue to be. They are not yet teenagers, and I am wondering what challenges and joys that will bring to my life.
However, what has brought “basic compassion and hope of the gospel” in my life is struggling with addiction and beginning (and continuing) the recovery process. People like me are not alcoholics. But guess what? I am. And if I am susceptible to this particular sin in my life, then anyone can be. Rich, poor, young, old, black, white, or purple, pain is pain and affects everyone.
I wonder what struggles my children will have. I know that the compassion I feel for them is something I cannot even fathom. However, I hope it does not change my convictions. Right is right and wrong is wrong. That does not change because of who is involved. However, if I will love and be compassionate to my children (or to myself) in the midst of sin, I had better be compassionate to the “sinner” who is worshipping beside me this Sunday.
Hmmmm. Interesting that God, when our sins were laid on his only little boy and the soldiers drove nails through his wrists and feet, turned his back on the scene and let it proceed. His love for the many sinners outweighed his love for the sinless son. Interesting also that the son, who had the power on earth to destroy all, STAYED ON THE CROSS BY CHOICE.
We are called to a love for others that is beyond the rational limits of humanity, no matter what they have done. Does that really apply to terrorists, molesters of our children, people who do awful, hideous things to those we love? That is a painful question, indeed.
One of my saddest memories in relationship with any church was something that happened when I was teen. The church that my family and I attended in a small Midwestern community once advertised a Family Night at a local bowling alley. My mother thought it would be a great event for my brothers, sister, and I to attend along with our friends from the church. When we arrived at the bowling alley, my mother was met at the door by one of the “leaders” of the church who promptly said, “This is family night for families only,” with the not-so-subtle implication that we were not welcome.
You see, my mother and father had divorced a few years earlier and apparently the outing was only for folks who had both father and mother present in the home.
That event happened almost 30 years ago when I was fifteen years old, but I remember it like it was yesterday. Oh, I realize a great deal has changed in the minds of Christians when dealing with divorce since that time, but it was the response of my mother that spoke volumes to me about who God is, and it had a way of crystallizing the true message of Christ in my heart and in my ministry to this day. My mother – who had experienced the unyielding grace of the Father in her own life and who was unconcerned about the reflection this might have on her as a parent - instead of making a scene, simply pulled her kids together after we left and said, “God bless him. He just doesn’t understand.” She also said something that stuck with me: “Someday in his life – God forbid - he may experience the heartache of divorce in his own life and I pray that then he will begin to understand.”
She was right.
Years later, one of his own children experienced the pain of a divorce and it had a way of softening him. I’m not sure whether it caused him to reflect back on that evening at the bowling alley, but it doesn’t really matter. In His time, apparently God used this trauma as a megaphone to speak to his heart, much like He had done with my mother years earlier, that the heart of Jesus beats with compassion and mercy for those who know anguish in any form. And she taught me that compassion experienced becomes compassion expressed.
A sad memory? Yes. A teachable moment? A thousand times, yes!
Calvin, again I speak from painful personal experience. The most difficult prayer I’ve ever spoken aloud was one shared with one of my girls the day she was to confront her abusive father. She gasped when she heard me pray that not only would he admit the horror he had inflicted on her, but also that she [and I] would be able to forgive the hurt he’d caused, whether he openly repented of this violence inflicted on her or not.
It broke my heart to pray such a thing, when my human nature said, ‘go get him, child of mine - don’t let him go, get back at him!” But I knew the only path to full recovery for her, and by extension for me, was to extend that forgiveness no matter what his mindset might be. We remembered together that if Jesus had waited for us to repent before going up on the Cross, He’d still be waiting on many of us.
PTL, and she has really come through the healing process so well, and is so much stronger and much more free as a result of the unearned forgiveness extended that day. Am I proud of her? You bet. Was it difficult? You bet!! Did I have to revisit the Throne of Mercy renewing that forgiveness when all in my being called out for revenge? You bet! But with each visit the jail door opened that would hold my heart prisoner to hate and revenge.
That being said, I’ve taken great comfort in what our LORD had to say about those that would cause ‘one of these little ones’ to fall. He can handle that punishment so much better than I! Praise Him!
“On the other hand, I believe sometimes it takes family trauma for us to get in touch with the basic compassion and hope of the gospel.”
Indeed. When humans “don’t need saving,” I have found it both common and easy to “know everything and have all the answers.”
Randy, that is one of those stories that just feels like a punch in the gut. I am sorry you had to go through that.
Arlene, I am still afraid of clowns. What would I do if my daughter decided to be a clown? I just can’t go down that road…
Randy, I know what you are saying about Jesus and family and Darwin. Don’t forget, however, that Jesus jumped at least as hard on those who did not make their family a priority and take care of them properly. I think you are spot on with the indictment upon the evangelical bent to make the family more important than the church and use “family” as a code word more than a reality.
Randy, what a beautiful post and what a beautiful mother. And Kathy, WOW. A couple of months ago in this town a very average woman drove her car to a body shop, got out and shot a man,two or three times until dead, got back in her car, signaled, and turned back onto the highway, Drove straight to our justice center and turned herself in-gun and all. That morning her 14 year old daughter told her that she had been molested by this man. I have followed the papers on this and have seen the family’s pain as they weepingly embraced. Pain.
Regarding the quotes. Here is one I heard years ago. “A conservative is a liberal who has been mugged.”
Kathy-
Maybe the greatest power we are given on this earth is to forgive someone who has wronged us, without being asked for forgiveness.
When we pray “Forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors”, I think the word “as” means “in the same way” more than “at the same time”.
Do I get it right all the time? No. But how can I stubbornly hold a grudge when it was Christ who died for me when I was still a sinner? I have been greatly offended by others, as you have, and I struggle with forgiveness every day. It seems to get better with time, but not perfect.
How Our Kids Can Change Us
THIS is why the age of accountability should be changed.
I’m firmly convinced, Calvin, that the only way we can truly heal when pained deeply is through “forgive us our debts AS [in the same manner] we forgive our debtors.” We are in complete agreement in what the meaning of ‘as’ is.
Jesus committed Himself to the Cross before there was anything to forgive, knowing that His forgiveness was so needed, would be needed, continues to be needed by me. If He didn’t wait for us how can we demand the right to wait on others’ and their responses to hurt and pain they have caused? If we believe Jesus, we really can’t.
Yes! It’s a grinding struggle at times, but never fails to be a releasing, a freeing process at the same time.
All that to say we’re on the same page, dear brother in Him!!
These posts remind me of Max Lacado’s book Tell Me The Secrets, the story of the water master. It is a wonderful book that I read to my boys atleast once a year. I’ve learned as much as the children have. Yes, I know the other day I said there were alot of weird peole on this blog, but I have to add lots of weirdly wonderful people,too.
My wife and I have been wrestling with the issue of how, as Christians, we are to respond to crime or the possibility of crime for some time now. For 20 years now we have felt called to live in urban environments and are preparing to move into an inner-city neighborhood to help start a church and ministry to at-risk youth. Since we have children who are 9 and 12 we have had to ask ourselves many tough questions. Ultimately, we believe that when we died to ourselves and put on Christ, our physical lives are no longer our own, but God’s. The safety of our family is ultimately in God’s hands anyway, regardless of where we live. We also believe that what God wants most is for us to love and trust him. Trust him completely!
My Mamaw died at 92, last Friday. She spent 76 years at Elm Grove Assembly of God. She visited nursing homes, gave away food and never said one bad word about any one.
No one from Elm Grove brought food to the house when she died. No one from Elm Grove came to visit our family when she died.
I am torn apart by this and quiet honestly I hate organized religion.
Justice is contextual.
When God administers justice, it is not always logical or the same every time. There are so many different ways God goes about justice. There are so many factors that go into every situation.
Justice is contextual.
“I believe sometimes it takes family trauma for us to get in touch with the basic compassion and hope of the gospel.”…wow, mike, you have no idea…
but sometimes it doesn’t budge some and that leaves me perplexed…
I’m so sorry Leland. The church (we) failed you when you needed comfort.
Dear Leland,
So sorry to hear about your loss and about the lack of support you and your family have received. I wish things had been different. All you have to say is “she never said a bad word about anyone” My great grandmother, who died when I was an infant was always described in this way by my dad. I look forward to meeting her as I’m sure you anticipate reuniting with Mamaw.
I wish I could be described like your Mamaw and my great-grandmother, but to do so would be false. Not only that, but I think about all the times I have dropped the ball and let people down in their times of need. Leland, I hope you won’t give up on the universal church. I guarantee you that Memaw would be saddened if you did. We organized religion folk don’t always reflect Jesus. On our best day we shine in all his glory and on our worst days we look like the other guy.
Probably what happened was a result of unorganized, organized religion. You and your family were forgotten, when you needed the church the most. Where I worship, we recently just discovered that a long time member had not been at worship for some time because she’d fallen and broken a hip or possibly worse. She’s been away at rehab for a couple months. I don’t know this lady, but I felt horrible that nobody knew about her and she must have felt abandoned. A year or so ago an elderly woman died at our church and just like you, the family was not visited/no food was brought. It must have hurt that family deeply.
Trials like these can make or break a person’s commitment to organized religion. At the heart of this is the fact that we choose either to forgive or not when we’ve been bruised, slapped, forgotten, or rejected. I know it’s not easy, but if I am to be forgiven for the times I’ve done it to people such as you, then I have to forgive when I’m on the receiving end of it.
You sound like you’re at a crossroads. I’m not being flippant. I mean this. I’m sorry Leland. As a member of organized religion for what I did to you. Please forgive me. If I did it to others, then I’ve essentially done it to you. Please don’t give up on the church. Christ’s church needs you and you need Christ’s church.
Leland..disillusionment from the people you have called family for so long can be heartbreaking..my prayers are with you…
This makes me think about struggle with balance between pacifism and activism. I feel at times I am too much of a pacifist. Sometimes I think my pacifism is really just a result of fear/lack of faith. No, I know it is.
For this reason I try to teach my children to be bold and even to use force if needed to defend themselves or others especially. I’ve told my sons ages 6 and 9 that if they get in a fight at school, defending another person, or even themselves, they could get in serious trouble at school, but at home they will not. There’s more to our discussions than that, but that is the gist of it. I hope I’m teaching them right. (Did anybody watch the Andy Griffith show when Barney tried to teach Opie to defend himself? I think there is some parental wisdom in that.)
I think our view of Jesus is somewhat slanted toward the pacifist side, but in light of scripture Jesus wasn’t always:
The same Jesus who said “turn the other cheek” violently cleared out the Temple because it needed to be done.
The same humble carpenter boldly took the scroll and read about himself in Isaiah before the Jewish leaders and later called some of these people hypocrites and vipers.
The same Lord was the Rock in the hand of David that struck Goliath in the forehead, the biggest bully on the block.
The same Lord commanded Gideon to tear down the Asherah poles, even if Gideon did it under cover of night.
I can’t think of a time when God chastised Israel for defending the helpless with violence, but I believe he had problems with them failing to do so. I fear that I wil be judged more for my inaction than for my action in such areas. I hope I can instill that boldness in my kids, balanced with the patience/wisdom to know when to such.
I was wondering if anyone saw the show on Saturday night on ABC about the birth of Jesus. Interesting show that highlighted that not all things can be reconciled in the gospels, but also pointed out some pretty significant factual differences - like the fact that Matthew says that Joseph and his family fled to Egypt until the death of Herrod and Luke says they went to Nazareth.
I have to say that I wanted to post a comment yesterday when I read Randy’s story but my eyes had welled up with tears and was unable to write. The story gives me much hope that change is possible for the Christian faith and particularly, churches of Christ.
This incident is a powerful reminder that the church has a long history of marginalizing minority viewpoints whether they be those of African Americans, women or even those from divorced families.
What’s most disturbing is that this pattern continues even today. How heartbreaking to see so many churches of Christ take out ads in their local newspapers in the past year or so to make certain that their local communities did not confuse them with the United Church of Christ, a church that welcomes gay people.
Father forgive them, for they still do not understand and know not what they do.