What is it that makes us happy? That’s one of the fundamental questions Barry Schwartz pursues in The Paradox of Choice: Why More Is Less
Despite what many assume, it doesn’t appear to be money. Studies show that there is greater happiness in wealthy countries than in poor countries. But, “once a society’s level of per capita wealth crosses a threshold from poverty to adequate subsistence, further increases in national wealth have almost no effect on happiness. You find as many happy people in Poland as in Japan, for example, even though the average Japanese is almost ten times richer than the average Pole. And Poles are much happier than Hungarians (and Icelandics much happier than Americans) despite similar levels of wealth.”
Well, what about close relationships? It is true that people who have close marriages and/or close friendships are happier. But Schwartz suggests this may be a chicken-and-egg conundrum. Which comes first: happiness or relationships?
“Miserable people are surely less likely than happy people to have close friends, devoted family, and enduring marriages. So it is at least possible that happiness comes first and close relations come second.”
So much of happiness comes down to decisions we make to be contented. The problem with a maximizing approach to life (see the last two posts) is that we’re never quite satisfied. They could have chosen (a car . . . a spouse . . . a church) better, perhaps, so they’re always looking over their shoulders and living in regret.
So, “What to Do About Choice?” he asks in the final chapter. Schwartz offers 11 suggestions, of which I’m passing on just four.
1. Choose when to choose.
With an overabundance of options surrounding us with almost everything, we have to decide how many options we’re going to consider and how much time we’re going to expend.
“Restricting yourself in this way may seem both difficult and arbitrary, but actually, this is the kind of discipline we exercise in other aspects of life. You may have a rule of thumb never to have more than two glasses of wine at a sitting. The alcohol tastes good and it makes you feel good and the opportunity for another drink is right at your elbow, yet you stop. And for most people, it isn’t that hard to stop.”
2. Satisfice more and maximize less.
“Learning to accept ‘good enough’ will simplify decision making and increase satisfaction. Though satisficers may often do less well than maximizers according to certain objective standards, nonetheless, by settling for ‘good enough’ even when the ‘best’ could be just around the corner, satisficers will usually feel better about the decisions they make. . . . Becoming a conscious, intentional satisficer makes comparison with how other people are doing less important. It makes regret less likely. In the complex, choice-saturated world we live in, it makes peace of mind possible.”
3. Make your decisions nonreversible.
When a decision we make is final, our mind moves toward ownership of the choice. Schwartz points out that this is clearer with the big decisions, and there’s a lot of street wisdom in these words about marriage:
“A friend once told me how his minister had shocked the congregation with a sermon on marriage in which he said flatly that, yes, the grass is always greener. What he meant was that, inevitably, you will encounter people who are younger, better looking, funnier, smarter, or seemingly more understanding and empathetic than your wife or husband. But finding a life partner is not a matter of comparison shopping and ‘trading up.’ The only way to find happiness and stability in the presence of seemingly attractive and tempting options is to say, ‘I’m simply not going there. I’ve made my decision about a life partner, so this person’s empathy or that person’s looks really have nothing to do with me. I’m not in the market — end of story.’ Agonizing over whether your love is ‘the real thing’ or your sexual relationship above or below par, and wondering whether you could have done better is a prescription for misery. Knowing that you’ve made a choice that you will not reverse allows you to pour your energy into improving the relationship that you have rather than constantly second-guessing it.”
4. Practice an “attitude of gratitude.”
“We can vastly improve our subjective experience by consciously striving to be grateful more often for what is good about a choice or an experience, and to be disappointed less by what is bad about it.”
He suggests putting a notepad by your bed and every day, either when you wake up or just before you fall asleep, jotting down five things from that day (or the day before) for which you’re grateful. Most of the time those things will be small, but the practice will help nurture a spirit of joy, contentment, and gratitude rather than one of disappointment, regret, and dissatisfaction.
And with that — Happy Thanksgiving!
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I hope you saw these words yesterday from my buddy Richard B., who is a researching fanatic. (He’s also a rock star on the ACU campus — with the huge Walling lecture hall filling up for his classes.)
Two summers ago I worked with some students on research in this area. We expanded Schwartz’s maximizing and satisficing into the “religious marketplace” (e.g., people who try to look for the “best” church, or “best” worship, or “best” preaching). Our results mirrored Schwartz: These people were much less satisfied with church and tended to switch churches more often. By contrast, “religious satisficers” just picked a church, settled in, and went to work. And were much happier.
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An example of why I try not to miss what David Brooks writes.
“I have a rule, which has never failed me, that when a writer uses quotations from Jerry Falwell, James Dobson and the Left Behind series to capture the religious and political currents in modern America, then I know I can put that piece of writing down because the author either doesn’t know what he is talking about or is arguing in bad faith.”
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Today makes twelve years. My, how quickly they’ve flown. We still miss her.
An attitude of gratitude has always been a challenge for me, but I know that when I’ve practiced that, the day just looks and feels different. At the risk of being too simplistic, I think being thankful may be the key to this whole contentedness struggle.
Here’s my list for yesterday:
1. A great marriage that grows more solid everyday
2. Winning a best of 5 ping pong match against Blake, 3-1. We thought the table was going to be sold and then out of the blue last week, the gang of boys always at our house started playing again. It was Blake’s idea to play the old man last night….he’s gotten much better and it won’t be long until he wins.
3. Kayla getting to spend an evening at a Junior High Basketball game with her friends. She is absolutely loving Jr. High.
4. Getting out of bed to run at 5:30am for the 5th day in a row…a habit is growing.
5. A small bite of Heidi’s new pupkin cake creation, courtesy of Paula Dean.
Thinking of you and the rest of the Cope’s today.
Thinking of you today, Mike. I never knew Megan, but I look forward to meeting her one day. Thank you for the way you always encourage and challenge all of us. Much love.
Helpful thoughts, Mike.
Blessings to your family today.
There is a gentle soul who shares his thoughts and feelings on parenting online. http://dearelena.wordpress.com
very simply…take off the towel from around your waist and wash feet…
You make me miss her and I don’t even know any of you!
Mike and othe interested readers,
If you like Schwartz let me also recommend Daniel Gilbert’s (Harvard psychologist), “Stumbling on Happiness” (Knopf, 2006). This is a great book on the science of why so many of us fail to find happiness in life.
Also, U of Virginia psychologist, Jonathan Haidt’s, “The Happiness Hypothesis” (Basic Books, 2005) integrates religious and philosophical traditions with modern psychological science.
Finally, philosopher William B. Irvine,’s “On Desire: Why We Want What We Want “(Oxford Univ. Press, 2005) is a good scientific and philosophical analysis of why we struggle so much with our desires and cravings.
I think a preacher could do a very nice series on “the science of happiness” and its paradoxes reflecting across these books (plus Schwartz). I’d title the series: “Everything psychologists have learned about happiness I learned in Sunday School.”
Richard - I happen to know a preacher who’ll be out a few weeks this summer. If only he could find a good fill-in preacher — maybe even a psychologist type — who’d preach such a series for him while he’s gone. Help me think of someone like that.
On choice: I think I am a little of both. I will maximize technology decisions endlessly (in the middle of trying to buy a new notebook for work, so I’m actually feeling its effects quite keenly today…) But when it comes to clothes and (quite often) even food and transportation, I’m a content-as-can-be satisficer.
I love RB’s observations about how all this works in the consumer church culture. And I’d love to hear from him this summer.
On the Brooks quote: I’m neither a Falwellian, nor a Dobsinian, nor a Left Behind guy. Far from it. I not in line with them on a lot of issues. But I can think of things that have come from all three of those sources that also seem true to the gospel. I prefer not to paint people with such broad brush strokes, assuming that everything they say is either ignorant or in “bad faith.” I may not like the way they are doing it, and they may sometimes be misguided, but I’m going to assume that they are pursuing God in the best ways they know how.
Again, I would not hold any of these sources up as experts on (or as prime examples of my hope for) the future of Christianity, but they deserve more than Brooks gives them.
On November 21: This is also my anniversary. Every year on this day I am reminded about the strange, powerful ways that joy and sadness mingle together intimately in a faith community. I grieve again with you even as I reflect on the 19 great years I’ve shared with Sheila. And I’m thankful for the One who is Lord within and throughout it all.
God bless your family today.
I appreciate your series on this Schwartz material. As always your blog challenges me and gives me good things to ponder on throughout the day. Have a good Thanksgiving.
Other than Dobson’s political rhetoric, I wouldn’t lump in with Falwell or the authors of the fictional Left Behind series.
Good book, Mike. I’m starting it today. Also, thanks Richard for your suggestions. Fits with my preaching direction just now and will enrich the process of preparation.
Peace.
Matt - Good words. I think I’m reading Brooks quote differently, though. Perhaps I didn’t give enough context. He’s not saying that Falwell, Dobson, and LaHaye are writing in ignorance and bad faith. He’s saying that anyone who attacks mainstream Evangelicalism by making it sound like Falwell/Dobson/LaHaye represent that mainstream is either ignorant or acting in bad faith. Case at point: Kevin Phillips’ AMERICAN THEOCRACY. Probably a good thing for everyone to read and come to terms with. But he does not give a fair shake to many/most Christians. When the NY Times’s Kristof describes American Evangelicals as the new crusaders of compassion because of, e.g., their passion for people with AIDS and victims of war in Darfur, he’s recognizing that we can’t be reduced to the political agendas of people like Falwell/Dobson/LaHaye. Brooks’ objection isn’t to these three Christian leaders (at least not directly — though it’s clear he doesn’t agree with their agenda) but to outsiders taking potshots that aren’t fair or accurate.
And . . . happy anniversary, my friend.
My bad.
Upon a second, closer reading, and after reviewing Mike’s comment, I think I see Brooks’ point now: if you’re reading something that attempts to portray American Christians solely on the basis of what these three guys have to say, you may as well put it down right now, because you can be sure they are missing the picture.
I agree with that.
Consider my prior remarks on the Brooks quote to be officially retracted. In fact, I’m heading out to locate some sackcloth and ashes right now.
Mike, Diane and boys,
I’ve had your family in prayer for several days now. I too am one that did not have the joy of knowing Megan personally, but through your conversations about her and blog references to her I feel as though I did.
May God’s loving arms embrace you all, especially this day.
Kathy - I can’t wait to hear your communion thoughts on Sunday. Blessings, friend. Mike
Someday I hope to have a long conversation with Megan. That is, if I can get her away from you all long enough . . .
Mike,
For once in my life I promise to be short-winded. LOL
If the up-flight fall is graceful all else will probably go well also.
Seriously, thanks for the encouragement!!
Blessings to our Cope family. We well remember 12 years ago this Fall.
Looking forward to the reunion…peace.
Blessings to you. That feeling is love still strong in the heart.
What is it that makes us happy? I’m convinced that nothing makes us happy for long. New things, marijuana, a good beer buzz, sex, religion, new books, etc. can make us happy for a while, but that wears off. It seems that we have built in to us (or has evolved with us) this instinct that doesn’t allow most of us to be satisfied; we do always look for something better, and is that so bad? Do we really want the pioneer, pilgrim, doctor, biologist, historian, astronaut, medical researcher, intellectual, poet, novelist, business person, mail-carrier, preacher really to be happy and content with what they know and have? “Ok,” says the pioneer, “this is as far as I’m going. I am now content.” I think we want them–us–to ultimately be dissatisfied and strive for progress. But we can’t have that on the one hand and on the other hand expect people to be happy with one pair of jeans. Yes, we all feel bad for people in poor countries, but they would trade with us any day. I’ve been to S. American and Africa; I’ve had them begging me to help them get here where, thank goodness, most of us have not settled.
Measured by what really matters, Dobson has done awfully well as an ally in the war against spiritual darknesses that threaten the family and, by extension, the family of God. One could be forgiven for overlooking his political activism and focusing on the good he does in teaching men to love their wives and children, teaching moms and dads to raise godly children, etc., etc.
qb