Comments on: Receive It As a Gift

By: Stacy Tyson

Stacy Tyson — Tue, 16 Jan 2007 11:13:07 +0000

Google is the best search engine

By: tleaf10

tleaf10 — Thu, 07 Dec 2006 22:33:28 +0000

PreacherMike, my name is Terri and I work at Harding. My mom has a friend that she teaches with that is in a very difficult situation/time in her life right now and I thought maybe you could help. Angie had a baby boy a couple months ago, Parker Hendley. The family was suprised to find out that Parker had Down Syndrome. The diagnosis was wrong and they have gone through so many different diagnoses that their heads are still spinning. The most recent one was that Parker has a rare genetic disorder (Zellweger?) and will not make it past 5-6 months. I know there is not much that anyone can say to comfort Angie and her husband but my mom wanted to get her a book that might help make the next few months bearable. Is there anything that you suggest? I appreciate reading your blog and would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks,
-Terri Lee
tdlee@harding.edu
http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/parkerhendley

By: Elphie

Elphie — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 21:35:55 +0000

I lost my kid brother 2 years ago to cancer, and at the time, I knew exactly what I wanted to hear. I remember coming back to school and someone saying: “Well, at least you didn’t miss finals,” and “You must be glad that he wasn’t sick all through senior year.”

But now, it’s weird, I still don’t know what to say to people. I just remember that there were some people I wanted to have around me, and some, if they had even come near me, I remember being truly vicious. I do agree with everyone who said listening is the key. I’m not sure if there are ever the “right” words to say, I’m not sure what they are, or how I would even phrase them. I do know that having someone to just listen to me is important. And most of all, to have someone there who will wait patiently until you can talk. I felt like silence was the answer, and it took me a year to come to terms with my grief.

And you’re so right about young kids. They understand more than we give them credit for.

If nothing else, just hug the person. Never underestimate the power of a hug.

And if it’s a sibling…remind the other children they’re important. Just a thought.

By: Sandy

Sandy — Thu, 16 Nov 2006 15:23:26 +0000

I lost my daughter on February 1st of this year, she was 28 and had suffered from breast cancer for two years. People have said all kinds of foolish things, but yes, I believe they all meant well. The best things ever shared with me were the stories of Elizabeth. I received a card from a friend of hers a few weeks ago in which she shared times Liz had told her how glad she was that I was her mom. I will forever cherish that card. You just want to talk about and hear about your child.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 13:00:17 +0000

As C.S. Lewis said, “Talk to me about the truth of religion and I’ll listen gladly. Talk to me about the duty of religion and I’ll listen submissively. But don’t come talking to me about the consolations of religion or I shall suspect that you don’t understand.”

The Jewish Tractate Semachot/on Mourning says something to the effect that the one who asks the grieving how they are for the first 30 days is cursed (really bad paraphrase, but I don’t have a copy with me and it’s been a few years).

I think we do forget the value of silence. I remember when I was a child, after losing a dear friend. So many people said so many things intended to be helpful… most of them weren’t, and some hurt instead. The greatest comfort came from a friend who wasn’t a Christian, who had lost one of her friends to suicide a short time before… she held me, let me cry, and then said “It will be okay. Not soon, but eventually it will be okay.” I’ve tried to keep that in mind when dealing with death ever since.
To receive everything as a gift may be some of the best advice I’ve heard… I wish I’d heard it years ago. Thanks for sharing!

By: David

David — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 05:55:30 +0000

Do not talk in the presence of young children as if they can’t hear you. I remember after my father died someone saying, “David is really too young to understand what is going on.” I heard those same words echoed again by my grandmother (his mother) years later. “But you were so young.”

By: Bill

Bill — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 04:32:55 +0000

God bless you, brother. Thank you for keeping “the gifts” flowing through your life. -bill

By: Deana Nall

Deana Nall — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 03:50:06 +0000

During the three miscarriages we had in 2003, I had more than my share of “This is God’s way of saying this isn’t the right time for a baby” - type comments. And “Oh, I know someone who had FOUR miscarriages — and then she had a baby that died of SIDS!” That made me feel TONS better, thanks. I know people were trying, but some days I just didn’t want to go to church so I wouldn’t have to listen to all of it.

What ministered to me more than anything was the silent hug of my friend Jennifer, who was dying of lymphoma and was having to wear a mask for protection from germs. She wasn’t supposed to have close contact with anyone but she hugged me anyway when she learned of my third miscarriage. She was a true friend.

By: Bradford L. Stevens

Bradford L. Stevens — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 02:49:18 +0000

Death is the lowest common denominator shared by all humanity. I am so glad we worship a God who stood at the tomb and wept! He understands our feelings. Jesus is the balm of Gilead; but, his healing touch is administered by the arms of his incarnate body the church.

By: cinder

cinder — Tue, 14 Nov 2006 01:41:36 +0000

When my daughter attempted suicide, I was so devastated that I don’t even remember what people said to me at first. Not a lot of people knew about it, but the ones who did may have had such a hard time dealing with it, that maybe they didn’t say anything - so that could account for not hearing much. Because what do you say? Eventually cards started coming in. I do remember one friend sending the most beautiful bouquet of flowers and telling me on the card that I was the most awesome person that she knew. It sounds so egotistical, but my worth as a person and mother was so low at that time because I felt at fault that hearing her words gave me comfort.

Now I am anticipating the death of my mother. I have just returned from her bedside where I sit every night and read to her and help her get ready for bed. So many of her friends have been such a kind help to her and us in the five years that she has been sick, that when she does die, anything that they say to me and my other family members will be like the immediate family voicing their hurts too. We’ve all been in it together.

Cindy

By: HW

HW — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 23:15:11 +0000

After my second miscarriage, when I though my heart would break from disappointment, my sister called and said these beautiful words to me “…I don’t think there are any words for me to say that will make you feel better. So I am calling to listen.” And she did. The only words she spoke were ones that validated my feelings at the time. I truly believe it is then that I began to heal.

By: Greg England

Greg England — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 22:50:18 +0000

Being both a preacher (30 years) and a funeral director, I see this all the time. We can say amazingly stupid things. Thanks for sharing the perspective of your friend. However, for the most part, we are not very good at receiving gifts either.

By: paul

paul — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 22:08:09 +0000

Mike, you are right about people meaning well. There just are words good enough to heal the hurt. Only God can do that. We just try to express the love in our hearts and the concern we feel for others. It doesn’t always come out right…but we try.

By: christine

christine — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 21:32:21 +0000

This post has amazing timing for me. We just lost a precious sixth grade girl at my school. I had met her several times and have her eighth grade brother in my competition theatre class. I have been so wrought with grief for them. I completely agree that this is a time when presence is much more powerful and meaningful than any words could ever be. It will be an interesting time as her brother returns to school. It will be inevitable that some other student will say something that might not be the most comforting, or even hurtful. It is hard to watch such young children trying to sort through their own grief as well.
This reminds me that I am, like you, an “already, but not yet” kind of Christian…As we eagerly anticipate Christ’s return, I want to be that shoulder that is there for someone to cry on, an ear that doesn’t mind the screaming and a heart that acknowledges the realness of the pain we can feel. Come quickly, Lord Jesus.

By: jami

jami — Mon, 13 Nov 2006 21:27:58 +0000

Thanks Mike. You may not realize just how much your words can mean to someone on any given day. I found out yesterday that I was miscarrying my first child and it was such a gift from God to read your words today. I am so thankful for my church family and will now purposefully not pay attention so much to what they are saying through this difficult time but praise God for the fact that they are there for me comforting me the best way they know how.