As a follow-up to yesterday’s post . . . and while appreciating all that trained people like Joe are instructing . . . let me repeat what I’ve said many times (which I’m quite certain that these teachers would agree with).
The best sex doesn’t come as a result of things you buy or positions you learn.
It comes from years of commitment, shared prayer, common tears, loving-and-often-tiring parenting, gentleness, faith, hope, love, endless forgiveness, kisses with potential and kisses that are just because, full-bodied hugs and hugs-on-the-run, “come hither” looks and “you’re-an-idiot-sometimes-but-you’re-still-my-idiot” looks, good days and bad days, inside jokes, and repentance.
Why does sex get better in many marriages — even as bodies age?
Because trust has been forged; maturity has set in; and passion goes all the way to the marrow.
Consideration and faithfulness: the true sexual stimulants.
You are so right! God planned well…even if we are those mars/venus
oops..electricity went out. creatures that think we don’t understand each other. It all works to complete His plan.
I think good sex is a result of a deep spiritual connection, not a physical connection. The physical is a natural result of being “one” with your spouse.
Which explains why sex gets better the longer you are married. Your spiritual connection deepens.
I’ve said it before, the sexiest thing a man can do is be a God fearing husband.
Great post. I second your thoughts. I guess that our society many times dictates how we think in regard to sex. Too much television and media can ruin the spiritual mindset of each person.
As always, another great quaility you mentioned is communication. Without communication there is a great deal of problems!
Thanks for a good thought!
AMEN TO THAT!
The point you made is exactly what Eddie Parish emphasizes (and then explains the process) over the week of his short course at ACU. One of the primary text books is Passionate Marriage. Though secular, it is the author’s firm conviction that the potential for sexual ‘fulfillment’ increases with the couple’s age and amount of shared history. There’s more person to see in the eyes of a 60-year-old than in the eyes of a 20-year-old, and thus more person to share - is one way the author puts it.
…Meaning, that old people have greater potential for great sex than young hard-bodies. I totally dig it - and I’m only 27.
Mike,
Excellent thoughts.
I know that Joe would totally agree with what you are saying and is streesed in his seminars.
Preacherman - As I said, I’ve never been to one of the seminars. But I am confident (and now it’s confirmed by you) that this is the spiritual center of the message.
I remember reading the old Charlie Shedd book, Letters to Karen. It was a collection of letters that he wrote to his daughter before her marriage. There was a statement that he made where he said that sex after 20 years of marriage was unlike anything that could be experienced by newlyweds. I have been married for 28 years and when I read that so many years ago I didn’t have a clue of what he meant. I do now. It is the years of trust and being there for each other no matter what that makes sex what God intended. That old book is still a good read for young people. Probably a little out of date, but still good.
Wonderful post! I cannot speak from experience, but I believe the ingredients that you shared are incredibly important and incredibly soul-satisfying shared between two sexual partners. Thank you.
I appreciate your post and I appreciate Joe Beam. He may be “crude” according to some but he tells it like it is. If that is crude, so be it. I think when young couples see and experience this freedom in their marriage relationship, straying could be a thing of the past!
I know in my own marriage of 36 years, sex is good, but the intimacy is incredible. That comes about after sharing so many years of crisis, happiness and heartaches and “knowing each other.” I think that is what the Bible is all about — relationships! When we get that, everything is better!
Great words of wisdom, bro. Maybe YOU need to go on tour! It might get you a gig on Nancy Grace.
DU
Oh yeah — sex after 20 years of marriage is SO MUCH better! My wife and I laugh when we think back to our honeymoon/first few years of marriage and how clueless we really were. It is remarkable how it gets better every year.
Those of you in your 20’s — if you think sex is good now…..just wait! It is truly “Sweeter As The Years Go By!”
Just a warning to all of you — all this great sex you’re having — it might make you have babies. I know it’s shocking, but it’s true. It happened to us.
I am thankful for people like you and Joe Beam who are addressing sexuality in the context of God’s delightful design. One benefit I hope will come from the new openness is that more people will be drawn to Christ rather than turned off by a false perception that following Christ = no fun, no alcohol and definitely no sex. Our culture is so obsessed with sex, but not the kind of sex that truly brings lasting fulfillment. And most don’t even know it.
I also hope we are doing a better job being open with our teenagers than we used to. I think we are with Lauren Winner’s writings (I haven’t read her) and Josh McDowell (I haven’t read that one either). I just remember being told the facts as a pre-teen, and that “it” was only for marriage. That’s about it. And I didn’t ask for more information either.
Well, my friends and I of course weren’t the most educated ones to be giving each other advice. But that’s all we had was each other. I remember searching for some truth for questions like how far is too far, and things to help me in my everyday teenage dating life.
I believe God gave me a book by Rubel Shelly, and I don’t even remember the name of it, but he talked about the real issues and temptations that we were facing as hormonal kids. And he gave some answers I had been looking for and praying about.
Sorry this is so long, but I think this is so important. I desire for teenagers to understand the truth of what you posted today, and hope for ways to build bridges so that they can write these words themselves someday.
We can do so much to make a mess out of things, and I think talking openly about sex with teenagers is vital to promoting future healthy marriages.
Amen to your words, Mike! They were so sweet—like you & Diane.
Did anyone see Stephen Baldwin, the actor, on the Today Show this morning? Matt interviewed him about the change in his life. Baldwin spoke wonderfully, imo, about spiritual fulfillment after finding life in Christ! Matt let him speak, & didn’t interrupt or argue with him about what Stephen was saying—-I really loved that!
Let me clarify: Baldwin was interviewed because he wrote a book about his new life. I missed the title because I was listening, at the time, in another room
The Baldwin book is the Unusual Suspects - sounds interesting.
Mike, I’m loving these posts. Discussion of sexual topics needs to happen more often within our Christian communities. Why is there a necessity out there to divide spiritual and physical? God wants all of us. And we need to be searching out understanding about our physical selves and relationships as much as our spiritual selves and relationships. They go hand in hand. Why do we have to get our physical information and expectations from our worldly culture? And why does the Christian reaction need to be in direct opposition: Our world says that sex is important - so God is supposed to say it’s not important? I believe God wants us to understand sex and have it bring us joy and a closer relationship with our spouse, as well as with Him. Sex is important. Doesn’t it make sense to talk more about physical information and expectations within the church? I believe our children cannot be protected from the world’s views about sex - it’s too pervasive. So, it’s our responsibility to not only be learning and gaining understanding about this for ourselves and in our marriages, but also passing it on to the younger generations in appropriate ways. Though I do not doubt that sex gets better as relationships grow with time, I don’t think we can leave our teenagers, singles, and young married couples with the “just wait and it will be better” message. They need a foundation of communication about sex that allows them to discard the world’s message and embrace God’s message about this gift.
Amy said…..”We can do so much to make a mess out of things, and I think talking openly about sex with teenagers is vital to promoting future healthy marriages.”
It took me a few times but I think she meant to say, “We can do so much to make a mess out of things, and I think talking to our teenagers openly about sex is vital to promoting future healthy marriages.”
Just didn’t want to add to the list of things Mike’s blog is rumored to promote.
Deanna,
We don’t have to worry about havin’ babies anymore. I’ve been ‘fixed.’ I’m shooting blanks!
A little bit of what Joe’s teaching
+
a backbone of what Mike said here
______________________________
Good sex!
I’m jealous. I dream of my husband shooting blanks…
lol. I love shooting blanks! It rules.
Paul, lol. Thank you for the clarification!
I’m lol at the shooting blanks discussion…I thought my husband was the only one who says that! But, that’s what I get for thinking
Mike, Amen! 8 years of marriage, 2 kids and lots of extra inches all add up to what the world would think = a chill between our sheets, but that’s what the world would get for thinking!
Sex gets better, for some physical factors (such as knowing what your spouse likes more), but mostly for the emotional and spiritual factors that only come with time.
If only our crazy world would realize that God’s way is the real way to intimacy.
I remember a time when some of my peers and I were really struggling with questions we had about sex. Our Huddle leaders heard some of our questions and decided to address them openly because they wanted us to have real answers from godly people who cared about us. So, several of the girls and I had a special informal chat time with our female Huddle leaders where they openly and honestly answered any questions we had. It was a neat time, and I am thankful for godly women who weren’t afraid to tell us the truth when we needed to hear it.
I’ve been having this same discussion for ages and finally started a blog about it. http://www.sexloveandmarriage.blogspot.com.
Mike, I don’t think it is smart or helpful to save discussions about sex for married people. (I’m not saying you said that) There are so many who found out about sex the hard way through abuse, friends with benefits, or skewed sex ed talks at school. The churches I grew up in were of absolutely no help to me when I needed my questions answered. I was left to flounder on a scary path and play a guessing game when it came to what God thought was o.k., or better yet, encouraged sexually. I know so many couples that struggled through feeling guilty for having sex with their new spouses because it was so engrained in them that sex was dirty or bad and they weren’t sure how to get past that barrier.
I agree with you that it’s not about positions, toys, or anything like that. I’m happy to hear sex gets better the longer you are married. Woo Hoo! But right now, I feel I’m in a position to help or hinder some of the girls I mentor by sharing with them messages about sex. I say girls, but some of them are married now. I don’t understand people getting upset by Joe - how he talks to people in a seminar or book. My husband and I loved his seminar and found great healing in our sexual relationship through it. He is not crude, but he is sometimes graphic - he warns you upfront about that. He’s a good man trying to help others see that sex is good - not dirty and God meant it for pleasure as well as procreation. I’m so grateful that there is a discussion about it at all and I want to be part of it. I didn’t feel I could turn to anyone with sex questions and I don’t want to pass on that legacy - so I’m listening and learning and praying about what to pass on to others.
One more thing, last summer the author of the MSNBC article referenced in your comments section, emailed me to ask some questions related to his article. He had found me while googling Joe Beam. We emailed back and forth a few times and I’ve been waiting for that article to be published. Mr. Alexander is not a believer. His job is to report on sexual issues in the world. He was interested in checking out what evangelicals thought about sex and how we deal with our hypersexualized culture. We discussed Joe’s seminar which he had been to as well. I’m glad he interviewed Joe. I hope Mr. Alexander keeps seeking out info about evangelicals. The lady who was so upset with the article and the stuff surrounding it on the page needs to keep in mind that it was written by a guy who is not a follower of Christ. His intention wasn’t to make fun of believers, he really wanted to know what we thought. We can’t expect the world to look like Christ, but we can expect that sometimes the world does come looking for him.
It might surprise some of you to know that there are regular readers of this blog who are in their 60’s. I have been happily married for 42 years. As Mike says, “Times are a changing”. My husband and I have always tried to be open to change. And yes, we have attended seminars - including Joe Beam’s Family Dynamics class. I would agree that openness about sex has its advantages. But, I still don’t like to hear comments like “I’m shooting blanks” and “I’ve been fixed”. I just feel that sometimes we can be too open with things that should be shared only with our marital partner.
When we had Joe come to our church, I felt the seminar was more about the mechanics than the relationship. About 1/3 or less was his personality profile teaching — then there were no practical applications, just “buy my book to get the rest” — or attend another seminar — type statements. When Lynn and Jerry Jones came, I felt their teaching contained much, much more practical teaching and advice, both in and out of the bedroom. Many of their lectures (3 days worth!) covered relationship dynamics that would benefit anyone, not just married people. Our marriage was much richer after that weekend, not just our sex life.
Whah whah on the shooting blanks. No more blessings for you!
Preacher Mike– I love to hear your words and when you step out in front of the fellowship and blog your mind, it is something that needs saying to the body. Why do our kids learn of sex on the playground and not from Mom, Dad, the preacher…?! “Embibe oh lovers” says the Lord as he watches two lovers in embrace… he rejoices over the marital bed! I had a 13 year sexless marriage and four years alone before my current, Godly and fabulous marriage. Sex is so much better when you have love, understanding, trust and when the lips are softened by the knowledge that he is thinking of you as the person you are and the mother you are and the mate you are rather than the flabby-over-40-lady-who-needs-a-haircut-and-burnt-the-dinner. You can feel it in the embrace and the kiss, the life you have experienced together. AND WOWIE is the final embrace all that and a bag of chips! The Bible describes sex as a glimpse of heaven– and boy do I BELIEVE! Thank you Jesus for your kingdom, for sex, for my husband and for those who are open to learning from Preacher Mike.
Personally, I have mixed feeling about Joe’s appearance on the Today show. I understand and applaud his desire to see married couples have fulfilling sex lives. I feel that his message is primarily for married Christians. To non-Christians, I wonder though if his message makes it sound like the church is just parroting the world’s message to “just loosen up” about sex. Don’t we have anything more significant to add to the conversation other than “Christians can do that stuff too”?
Also, I wonder how much openness about sex takes away some of it’s power. When we reduce sex to mechanics, we demistify it and make it common. It’s like taking something holy and making it just ordinary. Maybe I’m the only one who feels this way but I think we’ve lost something by being so open about it.
Joel M.,
I’ve heard that criticism from non-Christians - that people like Joe Beam or TheMarriagebed.com are just borrowing from the secular world. And I agree that if we reduced sex to mechanics (or biology), that would be a stupid and terrible thing (and that really would be borrowing a lot from the secular world).
I would be very surprised if Joe doesn’t emphasize in his teaching the stuff Mike posted about. But the details, hot words, and technique stuff makes for juicier reporting and gets more attention and are more easily and readily discussed. I assume that the article/videos make it look like it’s more about technique than it really is because Eddie Parish’s stuff often get’s misrepresented in that way, as does TheMarriagebed.com, and both those sources strongly emphasize the relationship over the technique.
I disagree with you that being open in sexual discussion detracts from the power/mystery/holiness of sex. How we talk about it and what we say about it will add or take away from power and holiness of our message. I think the “don’t talk about it” option (or the “minimize talk about it” option) have long been proven through practice to be really bad and counter-productive options that don’t encourage or produce the holiness of sex that you speak of, or Godly sexual relationships.
(sorry about the preacher’s italics… I’m just obnoxious that way sometimes. =)