On June 16, 1999, tragedy struck our family again. My fun-loving, faith-filled nephew, Jantsen, died suddenly at the age of 15. There was no warning. He went to lift weights with the football team, laid down to rest, and his heart failed him.
Today I’ve asked my brother, Randy Cope, to reflect on these seven years since the death of his son.
- - - -
Seven years ago today my life changed forever.
Actually I knew that it had changed the moment the doctor came out of the emergency room and told my wife and me that our 15-year-old son had passed from this life from what we later found out was an undetected heart problem.
I had enjoyed my life up to that point – a healthy family, a good job, and a bright future – but as I stood in the hallway of Freeman Hospital there was no doubt that things would never be the same. Before I left my son’s side that day I prepared myself for a life that resembled a scorched forest after a wild fire. The hillsides filled with lush trees and the valleys filled with wildflowers would now be smoldering ashes.
As the fog lifted so did the reality of what had been lost. Each new act brought new pain – the first trip to the store, the first Sunday at church – even the first time I decided to make oatmeal and had to figure out how to make it for one person, since he and I were the only breakfast eaters in the house.
And such was my life – for a season.
Yet one day, months later, I caught myself whistling. There wasn’t much life in the tune, but it surprised me just the same. As I look back on it now I see that moment as a sign of the renewal that was to follow.
From that first sprig of life has grown not a forest, but a park. I say park because my days are not only filled with life, but an increasing measure of purpose and meaning.
Don’t get me wrong; to call my life a park is not to say that there are no weeds. Our enemy is relentless and is not even above using my grief against me to pull me down from time to time.
Yet as I look back over these last few years I see many wonderful lessons:
• God is creative and lavish in the gifts He sends to bring comfort. He brought friends I hadn’t seen in years, books, music, nature, and even complete strangers to bring healing.
• God taught me not to fear life in the valley. The valley of suffering to me was a place to be avoided at all cost. Now I see that it is strangely a place of peace. God dwells with His suffering people in the valley – in green pastures and beside quiet waters. The Bible reads completely different now that I have this perspective of suffering.
• There is nothing more beautiful than a friend that comes running to help, even when the emotional fallout is intense. Friends like Todd, Warren, Tracy, James, and Cary, who all jumped in to save us – and a brother and sister-in-law who came to sit beside us in silence and later whispered lessons they had learned, having started this journey of grief with their own daughter five years earlier.
• With a treasure of mine now in Heaven I see life much different. It is like studying a Magic Eye drawing and suddenly seeing a beautiful scene in what you once thought was simply a meaningless mess of color.
• With Jantsen on the other bank, the water that separates this life from the next is a brook, not a ragging river – one I am anxious to step over once my work here is done.
I see the work of restoration most in the life of my wife. On that day seven years ago I prepared myself to care for her through the years. I knew she would never recover.
Yet she did.
After a season of intense suffering I watched as our Lord lifted her up – not to her old self but He transformed her into a daughter who has a passion for those that suffer. This new perspective on life has led her to start a ministry that dries the tears and brings smiles to the faces of orphaned children in countries like Vietnam, Cambodia, Haiti, and Nicaragua. God also brought her – us – healing through our oldest daughter and our two young ones, whom we met when he led us to them half way around the world.
Some days the pain returns – not the intense “I can’t breath” pain that I remember from the early days, but a heaviness that I guess will be with me all the days of this life. Maybe, however, this heaviness is in some ways a blessing. As Dietrich Bonhoeffer said, “When a loved one dies, God comforts us enough to sustain us, but God leaves enough of the void and enough of the loneliness to help us to anticipate the reunion.”
And so it is, seven years later.
I can’t leave this reflection without thinking of a song by Stephen Curtis Chapman that helped inspire me to get up off the ground and “dive in” to what Got has in store for me:
The long awaited rains
Have fallen hard upon the thirsty ground
And carved their way to where
The wild and rushing river can be found
And like the rains
I have been carried here to where the river flows.
My heart is racing and my knees are weak
As I walk to the edge
I know there is no turning back
Once my feet have left the ledge
And in the rush I hear a voice
That’s telling me it’s time to take the leap of faith…
So here I go I’m diving in, I’m going deep in over my head, I want to be
Caught in the rush, lost in the flow, in over my head, I want to go
The river’s deep, the river’s wide, the river’s water is alive
So sink or swim, I’m diving in
There is a supernatural power
In this mighty river’s flow
It can bring the dead to life
And it can fill an empty soul
And give a heart the only thing
Worth living and worth dying for.
But we will never know the awesome power
Of the grace of God
Until we let ourselves get swept away
Into this holy flood
So if you’ll take my hand
We’ll close our eyes and count to three
And take the leap of faith
Come on let’s go
…
Lord, I thank you for bringing peace to the valley – and for what awaits us all around the next turn.
All I can say is thank you for this! We all need to hear stories of hope, for we all have, or all will, suffer in some way on this earth.
I needed this today more than you or anyone will ever know.
Thanking God for the valley’s.
Thank you!!!!!
Randy, what a faith you have in God. May we all be inspired by you to continue to trust in Him despite whatever difficulties we may be facing. Thank you for showing us that God isn’t a God who isn’t distant during our problems but is a a God who joins us on the ash heap giving us comfort, peace, renewal, and hope.
Let us whistle today and remember Randy’s faith in a God who allowed him to whistle again.
God bless you Randy,
And thank you Mike for this post.
This is so very beautiful and I thank him for sharing. Those of us who have been there just sat and kept shaking our heads and saying yes.
Thanks for sharing Randy’s words.
May God bring you all comfort and sweet memories of Jantzen today as you remember the day.
God blessed me with two wonderful brothers - who are very strong and just a blessing to me. You both are great Christian role models for everyone that is in contact with you - you both are just inspiring. You’re in my constant thoughts - God bless you both!
Randy having experienced this valley with my father’ death many years ago you probably don’t know how much your family Kenneth, Ann, Randy Mike, Nancy and Brenda help me. I love all of you…………….ss
These reflections have left me with the sense of how small my words would be against the backdrop of the event and words already shared here. Thank you for sharing. As I read, the following passage from 2 Corinthians kept running through my mind. It seems to be quite apropos:
3 Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, 4 who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. 5 For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ. 6 If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. 7 And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
Randy/Mike
Thanks for sharing with us. Thanks for letting us see God working and living in you.
Mike, Randy’s story brought tears to my eyes, which is the second time that’s happened in the last two days. The first was when a woman named Judy Craft e-mailed me with her powerful personal story after following your link to the baseball and faith story. We have now updated that story with Judy’s comments, and your readers who are interested could find it by clicking the link you provided yesterday.
Thanks again,
Bobby
Thank you for sharing from your hearts. This gripped me as I related to all the thoughts and emotions shared. In the past week I have buried two very close relatives of mine and it’s so life changing. I pray I might learn and see as you all did. May He continue to bless you.
The present, Randy, in life’s disappointments is difficult, but the child is in heaven. As King David taught in 2 Sam. 12:22, that child will not come back, but you are going to the child. In the meantime thanks be to God for your “oldest daughter and . . . two young ones.” If they’re even half as nice as other people in the family, and if they possess some of the same intelligence and talent and personality and love of the Lord, switchpoints come when you “give them away” and gain new children. And then surely it’s only a matter of time before the arrival of a “new Jantsen.” A natural concern will be that grandma and grandpa manage not to spoil the little guy.
Pain is “the weight added to the bar” that makes us stronger.
I don’t know if I’m strong enough to deal with pain like you and your brother have.
This post has made me wonder if I have an undected heart problem with faith that is dependant on circumstances.
Speechless
Too beautiful and heartbreaking at the same time.
How well I know that valley through my own wee one’s departure, as well as that of my very young nephew at 13 and beloved dad.
God’s comfort to all your family, is my prayer!
I just found this after reading your post. Touching and timely.
http://sports.espn.go.com/nfl/feature/featureVideo?page=amazinggrace&campaign=rss&source=ESPNHeadlines
Wow!
Thank you for those precious words from your brother Randy. It’ obvious that he’s filled with God’s sustaining Spirit. Blessings to all the Cope family today as you remember Jantsen’s life.
This month marks six long months since my 28-year old son was killed in a car accident coming home from work. The reality of the loss is new everyday and at times overwhelming. I need to hear that there is hope….
Beautifully written…you are providing hope for others
My pain is not from a death, but from a divorce. But I have been through some of the same valleys. Thank you for the touching words. With a custody hearing looming, I need hope that there will be a time when the hurt is not so intense.
Randy and MIke:
Thank you both for sharing your tender places with the world. We live too comfortably in our shells of brick and steel, thinking that we can maybe prevent some of the pain that threatens to overwhelm us. I had a friend long ago who lost her husband unexpectedly in his sleep. He was also my closest “adult” friend with whom I fished, camped, played and learned a great deal. I learned something from her that counters the standard issue prescription for that pain. She told me two things that have always stuck with me:
1. In order to have a truly full life, you must love and be loved. Before you can love, you must allow yourself to feel. If you allow yourself to feel, you will cry. The deeper you feel, the more you will cry.
2. In the loss of a loved one, a truly loved one, God’s blessings are shown to us in a way that doesn’t happen under any other circumstances. Only in that loss that takes us to the depths can we see how blessed we are and have been; to have loved and been loved so deeply that it hurts this much when they’re gone.
Peace, brothers, and God’s blessings.
Ginny - There are no words. What a tragedy. I hope Randy’s words offer a sense that life may someday return — not the same life . . . not the life you wanted . . . but life nevertheless.
Stephanie - Grief is grief, isn’t it? It comes in different forces and with different levels of intensity. But it is grief nevertheless. May you find comfort now even in the midst of the difficult hearings.
Mike
Randy, my heart goes out to you. I don’t guess I have seen you in close to 20 years. I don’t remember the last time we were together. I don’t guess I ever saw Jantsen, but I can certainly appreciate your loss and your struggle through grief to this park you have arrived at after these short seven years. Growing through the pain is not easy. Your testimony is powerful. God is good–in spite of the pain we feel. He can heal your heart.
You are so right in saying your life had changed forever. Grief and loss change us. The Godly man you are now reflects this transformation.
I pray that peace will continue to come and those moments when a whistle surprises you become more frequent and joyous. Thank you for sharing your story with us today.
Stephanie dear - been there, done that, s the saying goes.
The grief of divorce is always accompanied by frustrations, what ifs, attacks of conscience, sense of failure and yes, bitterness at the loss of dreams, and hope will not go away. We still hope for a miracle, for things to return our expections and dreams to us.
Over the years of counseling single parents God has shown that He is still with us, that the anger and fears will heal. In Exodus 14:14 God says He will fight our battles, we need only to be still. Tough to do, but He’ll guide you through these really tough times. You are in a grieving period. You have every right to grieve. Do let God grieve with you and give you of His promised comfort in 2 Corinthians 1.
May our Gracious LORD grant you wisdom as you prepare for and speak at your hearings. May His righteous judgment show through in the results of the hearings. God’s blessings are yours, Stephanie and I pray they overflow in your heart during these difficult times.
[Mike, thank you for allowing us to encourage one another here on your blog. You know I can't resist when it comes to a single parent. Blessings to you!!]
Randy, thank you for your words of spiritual wisdom. Often brothers share the loss of their father and mother. Rarely in America, do they share the loss of children. Maybe God had something in mind when he named your family Cope — of course which rhymes with hope.
Mike, “FatherLoss” (Chetnik) has taken on a new meaning today as I have read your blog. Blessings!
I hope I never know the greif you have shared, but I am amazed at God faithfulness to you family in these awful circumstances and in awe of the way the Copes cope. You are inspirations to so many. Thank you so much for sharing your journey with us!
Mike and Randy,
Thanks for sharing. You both are gifted at expressing deep and highly emotional feelings, events, trials and the precious blessing of hope. Walking through the “valley of the shadow of death” took on new meaning for me five years ago when my precious husband died suddenly.
Mike, your sharing that walk was one of the gifts of grief. Especially were the words of wisdom given to you when Megan died helpful to me. “Take everything people say to you as a gift. Noone wants to say hurtful things! Every verbal offering is meant to bless you, so it will be a blessing if you decide to take each offering as a gift.” Good advice — thanks for sharing it. It continues to bless my life personally, and I continue to share your words with others as they begin their walk through this valley!
Thanks for sharing the beautiful wasy God has walked with you! How thankful I am that He is faithful!
Thank you both for sharing Randy’s words. They are beautifully written and have touched my heart, for many reasons, including the pain of loss.
Wow. It just seems so silly to sit here and try to explain how magnificent and moving Randy’s words are to me…so I won’t. Thanks Randy, for sharing your hope and wisdom.
My 35 year old sister passed away suddenly June 3rd leaving her husband and two children (4 and 19 mos.) A friend forwarded me this entry and I so appreciate the images it has brought to my mind over and over again the last few weeks. I know we will have new growth in our scorched forest and I am hanging on to that daily. Thank you.
Mr. Cope,
I met Jantsen when I came to Shiloh Christian School in Springdale, Arkansas during the summer of 1998. I was the same age as Jantsen and we played football together. Me and Jantsen became friends instantly. Its impossible not to like a guy like Jantsen. When I was having a bad day he could always make me laugh with one of his jokes. I still remember that June day I recieved word of his passing. I cried myself to sleep that night trying to figure out why God would take such a great guy and friend from me. But then I thought about the good Jantsen had brought to us while he was here and how he lived his life. The phrase that best describes the way Jantsen lived his life is the latin phrase Carpe Diem which means to “SEIZE THE DAY.” Everytime you saw Jantsen he had a smile on his face and tried to brighten everyone elses day. He never took life for granted and lived everyday to the fullest. I try to do the same and think about Jantsen often. Thanks for reminding me of him Mr. Cope.
Lathon Williams
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