Wounded Marriages
Some people throw in the towel too quickly on their marriage. They think they’re beaten and wounded beyond recovery, they can’t imagine it ever being better, so they give up.
But in way too many cases this is a lack of imagination. And life can do that to you: it can suck out all the imagination you have.
Small insults, small wounds, and small arguments accumulate through the years. Pressure at work, exhaustion from children, and weariness over life begin to set in. Before you know it, the insults are more insulting, the wounds are more injurious, and the arguments have taken the gloves off.
That’s when many begin to wonder if it can ever be set right again.
It can. Oh, yes. It can. Maybe not in every instance, but in most.
But it’s going to take better memory and better imagination. You have to remember why you fell in love with that person; you have to remember that there has been an “us” that has gone through childbirth and jobs and lay-offs and sacrifices and diapers; you have to bring in friends (whether these friends are professional counselors or wise people of faith who’ll be for the marriage — rather than just for one side); and you have to picture a way in which forgiveness paves a new way.
And even in the midst of all the pain, the power of “you’re still the one” comes through. It says, “We have a problem. I’m part of that problem. The system is broken. But it would be broken if I got in the same pattern with anyone else. But I don’t want anyone else. You . . . are . . . the . . . one.”
Don’t throw in the towel. There can be better days ahead. Try to remember and try to imagine it.
Hi Mike:
I still am hoping you will reply to a few comments I made to your Memorial Day blog. I know you have been busy, but I sure would appreciate your feedback. Sorry, but I didn’t know any other way to communicatew with you than by using your latest blog entry.
All the best,
John
Mike, your words brought tears to my eyes today. Thank you for providing hope today.
John – I have that in the back of my mind. To understand “kingdom” as fully come (possibly as the church) or as fully future is to miss a central message of scripture. So, I’m wanting to wait until I can develop this in more than my normal 5-minute flurry! Thanks.
Thanks so much for these words! I have a few friends struggling or deciding to end their marriages. It is heart breaking. I want to send this to them and say PLEASE try again. But mostly I need to hear this. Seeing other marriages crumble makes me realize that having a husband who loves me and is willling to work hard for our family and sacrifice so much when needed is something I should never ever take for granted. No marriage is immune to trouble. Thanks for the challenge of saying ” You’re still the one.”
Mike,
I really appreciate the balance that you bring to this discussion with this post.
It seems to me that you are correct in suggesting that one of best ways we can communicate the “you’re still the one” message is to refuse to give up on our marriages.
Also, because we bring our individual woundedness into our relationships, working on our shared brokenness is a challenge which sometimes requires professional assistance.
God bless you, brother. Thanks for the great posts lately!
Mike,
I really loved the clip you showed a while back from the “Story of Us”. It was powerful.
I have seen 2 marriages healed this year. One actually did get to the stage of divorce proceedings. We all started praying and not only has that marriage been saved, but the couple has been pulled into a fellowship of believers and a support system that has encouraged that healing.
The second marriage was not headed for divorce, but was one of those that died a long time ago, but for the sake of the kids and community, had been kept going. That too has been healed.
AMEN and amen!
Mike,
Great post. On the theme of refusing to quit a marriage (or a church or any other relationship), I refer you to the last ten minutes of an episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” titled “Misery Loves Company” (not sure what season). Marie Barone’s dinner-table speech to her married children about what it means to stay married for the long haul–through anger and hard times–is a classic. It is a near-eloquent soliloquy on “’til death do us part.” Get it, watch it, show it to your people and talk about it. Makes for good dialogue in groups, classes, etc.
“Do you realize that your painful past is taking over the present? Do not allow the abused to become the abuser. Imagine what it would be like to live in a peaceful present — together.”
Like SG, I have seen several marriages go through difficulties lately. It is heartbreaking. Yesterday I ran into a friend who told me that she and her husband just separated, and she was devastated. We talked for quite awhile and one thing she said was “I wish I had put as much time into my marriage as I did on other things.”
It is hard to know how to encourage friends going through this. You’re right, it seems from the outside looking in that some couples throw in the towel and give up too soon. But I also haven’t walked in their shoes. I guess one way to be a supportive friend is to pray and just be there encouraging them to work things out.
…and then spend more time on my marriage than my house!
Tomorrow is 5 years for my wife and I. Experienced a lot of joy and pain I never thought possible. But we’ve committed to the journey. She’s even helped her best friend not give up on her spouse. Mike, thanks for the encouragement and attention to marriage. In a world full of restraining orders, abuse and suspicious prenuptial agreements, we need to keep coming back to the one well that still brings renewal and peace.
We as Christians must stick our marriages out, we must! I’m not saying that we should be martyrs and live a hellish existence out of obedience to the Lord – not for a minute, because to sit back and take the suffering without challenge is not what God has called us to do. We are told to be “iron sharpening iron” when needed, we’re told to SHARE our burdens (btw, that means not only with our spouses, but with our spiritual families as well – they can often provide the spiritual leadership we so desperately need in times of crises), and we are told to love, respect, honor each other in marriage. If one spouse is in the wrong, does that mean we take it? No, we try to “gently restore” our spouse in a Galatians 5 way. We seek godly counsel, and above all, we need to “draw near to God and He will draw near to us;” likewise, we need to “resist the devil and he will flee from us.” (All paraphrased, as original verses have “you” instead of “us”)
We need to see that it is not our spouses who are our enemies, but Satan. Satan wants nothing more than for Christian marriages, families, and lives to crumble under pressure, because then we’re providing a testimony to his lies for the world; “See they’re no different – Keep doing what you want, b/c either way you could fail – might as well feel good going out than depriving yourself for nothing.”
I’m angry at Satan. He’s wreaking havoc in so many of my friends’ lives right now! He’s tried to in my own marriage, but right now, my beloved husband has been transformed by the Lord and our marriage is stronger than it ever has been. Praise GOD!!
Mike, keep it up with your messages for us to persevere and stick it out – we don’t hear it often enough.
The book Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas did it for me. It is good for me to remember that perhaps marriage is not so much about happiness as it is about holiness.
Mike,
Good thoughts, well said. Thanks.
Well said Brother.
Just less than a year ago, I thought my marriage was finished for good. But many wise friends, a couple of really smart counselors and a firm belief in God’s healing power helped my wife and me to perservere through the storm. And now our marriage is better than ever and we’re growing in love and working together in ways that I never dreamed possible.
It’s still hard for me to read and often very ugly, but I welcome you to read my blog entries from last June:
http://radicalworship.blogspot.com/2005_06_01_radicalworship_archive.html
I hope that my story and my willingness to share many of the gory details will help others who are dealing with similar problems and ultimately give glory to God for all that He has done in me and my wife through this situation.
The casualties are the children, sometimes lost to God forever because of the grief over seeing their families torn apart. How anyone can say the kids will be okay are only kidding themselves. Now, if there has been physical abuse, that is different. But kids that love both parents and see one ripped away from the family setting. They do question “Where is God?”. You must BOTH see counselors and really fight to hold it together. It just depends on your mindset. You can fall in love again. It really can be better. I have come to believe that churches that say “Just get a divorce.” , are following satan.
Thanks Mike – wonderful words. I was actually thinking this last night….It seems we fight against alot these days – gay marriage, women dressing modestly, Hollywood, etc. When’s the last time the Church fought FOR marriage? Just wondering.
My wife looked at me in anger, rage and hatred and told me she loved me. She shouldn’t have but she did and I stand now a changed man forever.
In that moment I realized I had nearly lost the best thing about me and how precious she really was.
I am truly honored to call her my wife and my friend. We have been married 17 years with no end in sight.
Like Bill Nash told me: “It is ammazing what we can do when we pull our head out of our ass.” Tried to think of another way to put it but if it good enough for Bill it is good enough for me. Sorry in advance.
10 years ago, we were married just 9 years and we almost called it quits. We had forgotten why we loved each other to begin with. Our love had fallen flat. But because of our commitment to God, we worked hard to bring things back to life. Now, as I posted yesterday, our marriage is better than I ever imagined it would be. Sometimes things have to get bad before you realize how good you really want them to be. God used our time of trouble to strengthen the love that binds us. But if asked, we will both admit, it was our love for the Lord and our commitment to Him that saved our marriage. Because without that, there wouldn’t have been enough reason left at that point to make it work. God saved our marriage, just like He gave us our marriage. And now He keeps making our marriage all HE wants it to be.
God is so faithful and sure. Even when and most especially when we are not.
We must be careful though because of all the couples I have known to get divorced it was not an easy decision. I don’
Sorry my 1 yo hit the submit button. I don’t think people just throw in the towel over one or even two issues. In our congregation, I have helped to talk to this group and they didn’t want their marriages to fail. It is embarissing, even in this day and age to have failed marriages. To many times we (the church) just assume that it is a two way street. In many instances abuse on some level has occured. How does an abused person read these statements? Maybe this is why in our divorce recovery ministries, they struggle with guilt. They hear us talk about how people “throw away” marriages, and we don’t realize that most of them agonized over the decision to divorce. Sometimes divorce has to happen to have peace in the home.
Lori – That’s why I very carefully began the blog with “some people.” Not everyone. People shouldn’t stay in abusive situations. I’ve written about that before, but not here. I’ve written several times about how the church should be hard on divorce but gentle with people who are divorced. And I’ve written about how it’s wrong to always say there are two sides.
But this post is what divorced people have often encouraged me to speak about and write about: the tendency of couples to give up too easily.
Love the post and the follow up comments…love it love it love it!
“John – I have that in the back of my mind. To understand “kingdom” as fully come (possibly as the church) or as fully future is to miss a central message of scripture. So, I’m wanting to wait until I can develop this in more than my normal 5-minute flurry! Thanks.”
Hi Mike:
I hope you can deal with this soon, as this is a subject that I am really struggling to understand. G’ampa C says you have preached on it, so I figured you had it pretty well formulated in your mind.
All the best,
John
Thanks Mike~
It is hard to find balance in this day and age. I understand that you have posted on this before. THere are those with feelings of giving up to easy.
Thanks,
Lori
Mike-
I am one of many who love reading what the Lord puts on your heart. He so often works through your words to make me dive deeper into His Word. I am so thankful to learn from you in this way.
Recently I attended a class taught by Jamie Atchley and Suzy Jeffrey (my mom) on Marriage. It was a three part series 1-What to expect 2-How to respect 3-what not to neglect. (Rick helped with the titles I think:))
I went to support my mom, I came back each week because I realized everything they were talking about my heart needed to hear. I was blessed by the level of honesty and vulnerability of these two women. They were honest in their struggles and honest in their victories. I heard my mom tell stories I had never heard and I gained even more respect for her and my dad and their marriage as a result of them.
It blessed my marriage in ways I never expected. I see (and obviously they saw) a deep need for more “realness” in sharing about marriage…more public acknowledgement that it is hard. Honestly, when my husband and I had our first disagreement on our honeymoon I was devastated…here I thought I had married perfection…But obviously he wasn’t- he did not agree with me.
I say all of this to say…thanks- Love your thoughts and love that you are encouraging more people to be real in the reality of life. I think sometimes people almost need “permission” to struggle. If everyone else looks like they are not then people see struggle as a sign of the end…posts like this actually point people to the fact that struggle is often the beginning of something really beautiful. The Lord is The Master at bringing beauty from ashes.
May His very presence continue to be with you and your family!
Becky
Google is the best search engine
Those who get divorced for the first time may not realize how much pain and suffering follows. It’s like that old song by the man formerly known as Cat Stevens (covered here by yours truly):
The First Cut is the Deepest
Dr BLT cover
http://www.drblt.net/music/firstCut.mp3
Sorry, here’s the corrected link:
http://www.drblt.net/music/firstCut2.mp3
Interesting comments..
Top Stuff. keep it up, but more links to other sites would help me more too.