More from Lauren Winner (Real Sex: The Naked Truth About Chastity):
As theologian David McCarthy argues in his provocative book Sex and Love in the Home, a Christian ethics of sex, love, and marriage needs to reconceive sex and love as practices that exist ideally only within the basic prosaic rhythms of house and home: candlelight, long-stemmed roses, and lingerie can’t sustain love, but domestic economies can. This is not, at root, an argument based on realism or expediency. Rather, the point is that it is only through household practices that Christians come to embody the Christian virtues of mutual care, forgiveness, generosity, community, interdependence, and reconciliation. Our humanity cannot be separated from the moments of joy, anger, friendship, sadness, attention, confusion, tedium, and wonder that unfold over time and in specific places. Human intimacy is hammered out on an anvil made of nothing more, in McCarthy’s phrase, than the “day-to-day ebb and flow of common endeavors, joys, and struggles of love in the home.” Love, sex, and marriage, to be theological, must drink from the very same wells. Love, sex, and marriage, to partake in their transcendent mission of revelaing God’s grace, must embrace life’s decidedly untranscendent daily goings-on. In a Christian landscape, what’s important about sex is nurtured when we allow sex to be ordinary. . . .
Secular culture, after all, has made a fetish of sexual technique, suggesting that if we just follow the steamy tips of experts, sex will be frequent, and always a fantastic production that culminates in astonishing multiple orgasms. This is the message that creeps into our e-mail inboxes in the seemingly incessant unsolicited ads for potions, pills, and devices that will “increase sexual performance” (itself a disturbing phrase suggesting that sex is a theatrical production to be enacted according to the dictates of a director, a play cloaked in costumes and props.) Glamour fills readers in on “11 Sex Moves Men Wish You’d Make” and “9 Sex Moves Men Wish You’d Skip.” In a recent issue of Maxim, I saw an ad hawking a pillow designed to promote a greater variety of sexual positions; the pillow, tellingly, is called The Liberator. It is meant, I suppose, to liberate us from the natural constraints of our limbs and mattresses. And on and on. According to books like The Sex-Starved Marriage (and according to shopworn jokes about marriage being the great guarantor of chastity), married couples are in an outright crisis of libido. Twenty percent of married couples have sex less than once a month. Couples are harried, busy, stressed, exhausted. They’re clinically depressed, or their hormones are out of whack, or they’re dealing with childhood sexual abuse. Whatever the cause, married folks don’t seem to be having much sex.
To be sure, one hopes that satisfying sex characterizes the majority of American marriages. But the tips and steps and easy how-tos for married folk seem to misdiagnose the problem. The problem is not only that new moms are exhausted and collapse into bed at night wanting only sleep. The problem is also that we think we need to aspire to Hollywood sex; we think husbands and wives, when they’re doing it right, will approximate the unbridled passion of Halle Berry and Billy Bob Thornton in Monster’s Ball. We’ve defined sex as something unsustainable — bodice-ripping, stupefying, and nightly. It is not only insatiable, it creates the desire for more sex. It is adventurous, not habitual, and happens best during romantic weekend getaways, after candlelit dinners that recall the restaurants you frequented on dates before you were married, before you were plunged into routine.
Good sex, to be sure, is characterized by physical pleasure. It is also conditioned by moral context. And, as I suggested in the last chapter, it is inextricable from domestic routine. Moms and dads do need to be intentional about making time for sex, but Christians can perhaps remind the broader culture that good sex, by definition, is part and parcel of, not antagonistic to, ordinary marriages and domestic life.
I think she’s correct in her assertions here and feel like we should somehow be regularly reminding people that what Hollywood says sex should be like is not what you should expect every time.
I recently passed this book on to one of our elders. I’m hoping that they’ll think it’s good material to adapt into a class for our teens.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Fabulous book. Thanks for bring it to my attention, Mike.
I appreciate the author’s words here. I truly wish sex within marriage was something that was discussed more frequently and with less awkwardness among Christians. In all my life, I have heard the topic broached maybe 10 or 12 times as none of these were even at church!
Of all people that should feel free to talk about it, shouldn’t it be Christian couples practicing what God intended for them to practice?
Thanks for the post, Mike.
Thanks for opening the dialogue on this vital topic. It made me think of Peterson’s rendering of Hebrews 13:4, “…guard the sacredness of sexual intimacy between wife and husband.”
The ‘net is awash with articles which look at every side of this matter. Some practical advise can be gleaned from this well-written article: http://health.discovery.com/centers/sex/marriage/marriage.html.
This one should fling open the doors for comments. You are leaving town, right?
On a more serious note, I believe that sexual accountability is needed today more than ever. With the advent of the internet and with widely available media of all forms including TV and movies, the opportunity for sexual sin is extremely high.
I participate weekly in an accountability/prayer group with other five other ministers. We know each other very well and have opened our lives to each other to keep each other accountable for our actions.
I have discovered that one of the best things a person can do to have a healthy relationship with one’s spouse is to have a healthy relationship with someone of that person’s same sex. Men who bond together with other men at a heart level help build healthy character and emotional connections. The same principle certainly applies to women.
Even if one is not married, having these kinds of healthy relationships to encourage each other and to build character are absolutely essential.
I read a book a number of years ago that I still recommend by Gordon MacDonald, When Men Think Private Thoughts. Good read with some convicting ideas about men and their priorities.
Here’s an article also that will helps in this are as well.
Cultivating the Soul: Spiritual formation can happen, without saying a word by Gordon MacDonald.
http://www.christianitytoday.com/le/2005/003/25.50.html
Peace.
Excellent post. As Chrisitans how often do we discuss sex? Do we buy into the cultural expectations, like a fantasy world, or is there something more oridanary about the extraordinary gift of sex? Not to be trite, but sex can be very ordinary and mundane. We may try to spark it up by weekend getaways, late night rondeveus and whatever trick we might have up our sleeve. Yet, the truth is, it’s the mudane, ordinary consistency of sex which builds a relationship and cements in the day to day living in a household. God made us to enjoy sex and it’s the respect of each other and the trust that is ongoing which can ignite more passion and bring it out of the ordinary into extraordinary. God blessed us with this desire and it’s a battle to discern in this harried, stressed out world the difference between worldy expectations and fantasy that is pehaps unreasonable and God’s thoughts on the blessings of this gift of sex.
Mike-
I think every comment that uses the word S - E - X is going to be moderated. With today’s post, that might be quite a few.
I love Lauren and that book. It was the first I’d ever read that broached the topic honestly, if at times a bit too academically for my taste.
Chris - Thanks for that heads up. I’ll try to check the moderation file later. Wonderful comments. Michele, I think those words are full of profound truth. Would Christians be a bit less disappointed with their marriages (including sex) if they understood that what they often read and see (films/tv) is full of smoke and mirrors?
The bratty imp in me wants to ask:
Do I need to marry again in order to comment on this subject?
Told you! LOL
Making love is the key. Love. I have always wondered where the stats come from. They aren’t asking me or my friends. Work has taken us from about three times a week (yes quality) to once a week. I also agree that being a bit more open about it is a good idea. I’ve been with the same guy for almost twenty years and have two kids. You need to stop reading the books and tune into each other.
Mike,
Would Christians be a bit less disappointed with their marriages (including sex) if they understood that what they often read and see (films/tv) is full of smoke and mirrors?
Good question! Would Christians begin to see the truth that our lives together are complex and span the spectrum in a relational way. Sex isn’t always about the physical component (go ahead and chuckle now), honestly, isn’t it about the union and the oneness that God desires for us? If I were to use films/tv as my understanding of what truth is in regards to sex, I may have chosen to be that nun I dreamed of being as a child! Real day to day living just gets in the way of the perceptions I would see from watching film/tv. Sex connects spouses physically, emotionally and I would say spiritually as well. The beauty of ordinary sex is that it can be extraordinary when we unite as Christians. It transcends all areas of our live.
Those tireless healines on Glamour and Cosmo are baffling. I could even write this stuff.
“Five Ways to Light His Fire!”
by Deana Nall
1) clear your throat
2) walk through the room
3) exist
4) Let him see you up to your elbows in baby poop
5) blow your nose
Men get turned on by brick walls, people! Is this really a challenge??
Great quote, thanks for sharing it. I may have to go get that book.
Deana - That’s funny, and true.
Glenn and Phyllis Hill do a great work with their ministry, SIMINOK.
The following comes from the home page of their website, http://www.siminok.com. Check it out!
“SIMINOK is the acronym for Sex In Marriage Is Not OK –the revolutionary teachings dealing with God’s eternal truths regarding sexuality. This website is intended to assist you in your quest for intimacy with God and your spouse.
The essence of SIMINOK is that sexuality was designed and created by God to be a tremendous blessing to humanity. Utilizing a “new-ancient” approach, SIMINOK explores the abundance of wonderful teaching about sexuality contained in God’s word.
It is the hope and prayer of the SIMINOK team that these presentations will open your heart, soul, and mind–and what ever else may need opening–to enjoy the thrilling journey God has intended for you.
For everything God created is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with thanksgiving, because it is consecrated by the word of God and prayer.
(I Timothy 4:4-5)”
Deana,
SOOO true. They just want us to be with them and love them. I gave those mags up years ago. My love life is great.
Thanks a lot, Deana! I just splurted Dr. Pepper all over my laptop.
I like sex.
You know how people are always going to ask God this or that when they get to heaven?
I might do that later.
First is a kiss for Calvary followed by a hug for my family. Then, God is getting a high five for sexual itimacy!
I just finished a sermon on Marriage called, “No Clothes. No Shame!” and came out of Gen 1-3.
It was fun. I got to say the words naked and sex a lot.
Plus you have to live out your message the week before and then you have to practice what you preach…
I had a friend from home who married a girl he met at Harding; they divorced after several years because she couldn’t enjoy sex — to the point where she wouldn’t have it at all.
I’ve always thought that we shortchange our girls (there might be problems with boys, but somehow I doubt it, i.e. what Deana said) by telling them that “You say ‘no’ until you stand in front of a preacher, then you say ‘yes.’” Not that I’m advocating premarital sex, but we need to be better about talking about it. About how it’s pleasurable. About how it’s a gift. About how just because God has placed limitations on our sexuality, that doesn’t make it bad or dirty.
That’s its okay to enjoy it with your husband.
Yeah, Chad. I’m not so sure Deana was talking about men in general or about YOU in particular.
Ever notice the dessert tray when you eat out? Most are made of plastic or rubber– yet they can make your mouth water. Seldom does the real thing look as perfectly appetizing, especially if your standard is the plastic/rubber dessert tray.
Funny how a picture of a hamburger can also cause you to salivate, even though you can’t sink your teeth into it. But when buy the real thing, the pickles might be sliding off the meat and the bun could be a little squished with mustard smeared on the edge.
Now where was I going with this? Can’t remember, but I think it had something to do with sex.
Clarification! The Chad who posted up there is not MY Chad. But he can splurt Dr Pepper with the best of ‘em.
At the risk of sounding negative - how many churches out there really even attempt at getting to the heart of the 50% divorce rate among Christians? At best we plug in a 10 week dvd series on marriage - and leave 2 minutes at the end of the class period for awkward, light discussion.
What the world misses, and what is truly mind-blowing about sex at its best, is that it is the physical manifestation of two people becoming ONE! When you focus merely on technique and variation, you can miss out on the most amazing sensation (and one that I bet is missing from most sexual encounters in our Victoria’s Secret fueled world): opening yourself in total trust and vulnerability to your mate. The same mate who sees you, in Deana’s words, “up to your elbows in baby poop”, or paying the bills, or crying your eyes out, or angry as a hornet. To be physically and emotionally transparent with the one who has promised to be with you tomorrow and every day after that is transcendent.
It’s crazy that in a world where sex is talked about all the time, so many people miss the point entirely.
Is it okay for married Christians to use sex toys?
Kent’s observation is painfully accurate. But, what are we to do? Suggestions, anyone?
Kent - I have one. At the risk of sounding like an advertisement, I’m a trained facilitator for Family Dynamics. Their 8 week Dynamic Marriage course, which is what my wife and I were trained to lead, is dynamite. Why? Because it’s not just a class, but a safe, structured environment for real, deep sharing with our spouses and the others in the class about our marriage. When we share deeply, not just sit and listen, real growth can happen.
Our church has 3 couples trained as facilitators. Since completing our training last October, we’ve had one class and have 2 more planned for this year. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
That was a serious question–not heckling, I promise.
I think the idea of marriage, love and sex growing out of a domestic economy is important. Economies are where values get discovered, roles are taken on, exchange and interaction take place and there is a rhythm of give and take. Part of that economy I would think is an attention to the sacred and holy in our everyday lives - our eating and drinking and doing dishes and wrestling with kids lives. Discovering God present in those moments and celebrating this as a means of grace while cudding on the couch or in the marriage bed brings a charity to marriage almost invisible or confusing to the outside eye.
As I approach 18 years of marriage one thing holds true God you have to have God. If you don’t all will fail. When times get hard and they do. God gives you the ability to stand up to the forces that try to pull you apart.
Men and women see love making differently in a less mature relationship. It’s about two people coming together in a way that only they can. Not a release of what ever. It’s not sex.
Remind them yes… BY EXAMPLE.
Kent - There are resources to be had, but unfortunately, churches are still way behind on the sexuality front. Thank God for people like Eddie Parish, the sexuality class he teaches short-course style at ACU, and his spiritual retreat hermitage for singles, families, and couples!
We took Eddie’s class a week or so after getting engaged (and then audited it about 5 more times). We went in to marriage with the expectations expressed in the article… and, uh, have no regrets. If anyone is within driving distance of Abilene in May or January, that week-long experience is worth the $35 it will cost you to audit! (how’s that for an advertisement?)
TheMarriageBed.com discussion forums serve as a good catalyst for us - creating regular opportunities for keeping sexuality in open conversation. For a theologically conservative Christian crowd - actually for any crowd - TMB is the best online community I’ve found for married sexuality discussion.
That’s about all I’ve got, other than some books. It would be great to have churches pick up the ball, but the best way to get that going, in my view, is to lead by example (see first paragraph) and nurture sexually deep marriages.
What Kent says is a stark reality in the church. Often those things which are the most painful, we either are unwilling or just plain negligent in discussing the intimacies of marriage. Yes, I’ve seen a “quick fix” mentality, where we put in a tape/DVD discuss the program and cite some Scripture which may be beneficial. Does this really get to the heart of the matter?
IMO, we would have much more “healthy” conversations if we just took the leap of faith to discuss such things. That we no longer worry about what others think, or the shame we might be feeling or the pain of the discussing it, and begin. Dialoguing about it is of most importance. If we, as a body really aren’t willing to carry these burdens and bring God’s light into the day to day reality of life, then what hope is there? Yet, the cost of this is so much more than a 10 week class and discussion regarding “safe” issues to talk about.
All that being said, we are to be proactive, preventive and active…a vibrant body of believers who know they belong and hence have the security to open their hearts and the flip side is, having someone skilled to lead such growth and discussion. We need to equip our churches.
I would also concur with Kent, because I was trained as a facilitator with Family Dynamics, we participated in 5 classes and what happens in these contexts is very powerful. Those who shared in it, bonded deeply.
Their needs to be an environment of safety and trust, so that men and women are willing and feel comfortable enough to bring the truth out in the open. Remember, it’s the truth that sets us free!
I really don’t have the answers about the divorce rate. Yet, my hope is that as we as His body can become a beacon on hope and truth. Let’s talk about that reality, of broken relationships, of pain and of seperation and let’s allow God’s Spirit to lead us as we seek Him to help us on this road.
*My comment from Monday is still awaiting moderation, so I thought I’d “edit” it so that it would post.*
I had a friend from home who married a girl he met at Harding; they divorced after several years because she couldn’t enjoy s*x — to the point where she wouldn’t have it at all.
I’ve always thought that we shortchange our girls (there might be problems with boys, but somehow I doubt it, i.e. what Deana said) by telling them that “You say ‘no’ until you stand in front of a preacher, then you say ‘yes.’” Not that I’m advocating premarital s*x, but we need to be better about talking about it. About how it’s pleasurable. About how it’s a gift. About how just because God has placed limitations on our s*xuality, that doesn’t make it bad or dirty. That’s its okay to enjoy it with your husband.
Come on! Let’s make an A+ in this area of our lives. In God’s eyes, He is all I have and I am all he has……Let’s love enough to give and to receive from each other…The blessings are abundant. Time to close the books and spend our time enjoying and knowing that God has given us this precious gift. (Frankly, I don’t want him to go window shopping and maybe buy something “better”….time to rest up)
My question got hung up in moderation, too. I hope my question won’t offend anyone, but I don’t know where else to ask this: Are the use of s*x toys okay between a married Christian couple?
Sharla - I don’t know if you’ll read this since I’m a few days late, but since no one else attempted to answer your question, I’ll take a stab at it. I’m a marriage and family therapist who also has some expertise in sex therapy. First, I admire your courage to ask a question that no doubt a lot of people wonder about, but never admit to it. The bottom line for me is this: The real question for sex in Christian marriage should not center on a particular sexual act or a particular sexual style. Instead, we should be asking ourselves, “Am I being fully present with my spouse in this moment? Am I staying with him/her? Am I allowing him/her to see all of me?” Unfortunately for a lot of couples, even Christian couples, being seen and being fully present with a spouse are the last things they really want, and a particular sexual act or the use of sex toys may be a way in which these spouses escape from one another during sex. However, if you can answer the three questions above in the affirmative, and if both spouses are comfortable with it, there are very few sexual behaviors that I would say are outside of the realm of Christian marriage (of course, having multiple partners and using pornography would be two of those). As Christians, I think that we often limit ourselves unneccesarily in the realm of sexuality, and we are robbed of the fullness that God intended from this gift.
Thank you so much for answering my question, Jaime. Very good points & definitely something to think about.
Sharla - Jaime’s answer is pretty much exactly what I’ve heard on TheMarriageBed dot com discussion boards from the other healthcare professionals and pastors, and is the position/attitude held by the Oversight Group. If you are having questions like that - and don’t have people in your life with whom you can discuss them in healthy ways - I’d encourage you to check out TMB. Sex toys is one of many recurring topics of discussion.
Dr. Goff - your response pretty much perfecty reflects the values and relationships that TMB is trying to encourage in a responsible, faithful way. That can sometimes be a lonely endeavour in Christian circles, especially online. I have no doubt that Paul & Lori (the owners), and Grace and the rest of the OG would be honoured if you dropped them note.
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