Today I’m posting an interview with Dr. Jackie Halstead on family enmeshment. She is the chairman of the Marriage and Family Institute at ACU and is known for her compassion, her insight, and her devotional to spiritual formation.
1. Jackie, recently I wrote on this blog about enmeshment, and it drew a lot of interest. Could you tell us what we mean by an enmeshed family?
The term “enmeshment” refers to the level of connectedness of a family. There is a continuum from “disengaged” (low level of connectedness/high level of separateness) to enmeshed (very high level of connectedness). The more enmeshed a family, the more control and interaction between family members. The ideal is a balance between separateness and connectedness.
2. Why is it that these families sometimes appear to be so healthy but can be quite toxic?
Before I answer this, let me comment on the natural progression that occurs within the above-mentioned continuum. When children are young, parents are doing what is called “parenting to protect.” There is, of course, a high level of connection and the parents are extremely involved in all aspects of the child’s life. This must occur in order for the child to develop in a secure and emotionally stable manner.
As the child grows older, the parenting strategy moves to a “parenting to prepare” style. Parents begin to prepare the child to launch. In a healthy family, there is a gradual separation that occurs. This separation teaches the child independence and confidence in their ability to live their own life. This is the stage at which enmeshment begins to be problematic. Some parents have a difficult time making the shift from “parenting to protect” to “parenting to prepare.” What appears to be a close family may in fact be a family that is having difficulty with the launching phase. These parents are overly involved in all aspects of their children’s lives when in fact they should be letting go of some areas. This control can cripple the young adult in one of two ways. Either they become overly dependent and have trouble making decisions and living on their own, or they must make a drastic break (typically through rebellion) in order to separate from the control.
3. Any tips for parents who are trying to create an environment where children can depend on them but aren’t enmeshed in the system?
First, take it to the Father. As with all aspects of parenting, we need his guidance on a daily (sometime moment by moment) basis. He knows better than any of us how to be an effective parent. Next, a key to healthy progression is developing a confidence in one’s child. When raised in an affirming, encouraging environment, a child will naturally begin to become independent at an appropriate time. They may not make the exact same choices as the parent, but that is as it should be. A parent must allow a child to be their own person. This does not mean to withdraw one’s guidance, but to encourage the child to think for themselves. Finally, it is helpful to educate oneself on the developmental stage of a child. This can be accomplished through reading, talking with other parents, and spending time with your child and their friends.
All parents have a tendency to want to shelter their child from the world. Regardless of the level of enmeshment, it is never too late to help one’s children become healthy independent adults. The paradox is that as the children achieve a healthy level of independence, they are much more apt to desire a close relationship with their parents that far exceeds the benefit of an unhealthy dependence.
Great advice on parenting! “First, take it to the Father” “– that’ll preach” as one of our Harding professors would say.
Letting go and letting grow. It is a challenge! I think that task begins when they are small. You talk to them about big themes. Teach them what is important. Let them see how you live it in your life. Give them room to try it but safety to have you nearby.
I agree, I plan on starting the “parenting to prepare” style on my little girl soon but not to soon she has only been married for two years. And I have wondered how the parenting styles of biblical times (families live together) and today (kids move out) would differ if at all.
Great advice! Thank you. We are definitely in the “parenting to prepare” phase and I need the Father’s help daily. It’s tough letting go of these precious ones!
I am so grateful for this interview. What a great resource for parents! It seems like there are different levels and simultaneous stages of parenting to protect and parenting to prepare. For instance, at age 8 my daughter has gained some independence with her school work. Though I help her when needed and make sure I know what she is doing, it is HER homework and her responsibility. When it comes to buying clothes, I let her choose what she likes from items I have already decided are appropriate. When it comes to sleepover or playdate invitations at others kids houses, I am VERY careful and VERY involved. I want to know the parents well and know I am sending my daughter into a safe environment. Sometimes i am more in protect than prepare mode and vice versa.
At what general age do you think it is appropriate to go into complete “parenting to prepare ” mode?
This is also great advice for someone who is marrying into an “enmeshed” family, which will soon be my case. I now have a better of understanding of my future husband’s family. Thank you. Blessings!
Its been a while since i visited the site. Love the stuff on “The Bible”. I can’t get back onto the old blog to read The Bible #1 and #2. Is it possible these can be reposted on the new blog so the whole series is together? Excellent series!!
oh, nevermind! found it in the archives!
Thank you for your interview. This is very helpful as we are in the parenting to prepare stage. It can seem overwhelming at times to know when to hold tight and when to let go.
Mike/ Jackie
Watching the goings-on in the church nursery and watching my own children, I am convinced that parenting to prepare starts as soon as the child can answer the question “What do you think???….” and the parenting to protect might last as long as the child/ adolescent/ adult is willing to ask the parent “What do you think???”. Somewhere in between they launch out on their own. I think, for my family, the enmeshment is deeper when it goes both ways. I have had to learn to accept my children as I would any other individual, on their own terms. It is, for me, a miraculous, rich, intoxicating moment when I discover my child has become a really good friend.
Jackie Halstead is one of my personal heroes. Thanks so much for posting this wise interview.
Mike would you have Jackie address what to do when one parent lets go and grow, and the other parent wants to over protect?
Thanks for such a good post today!