Comments on: Enmeshment

By: Jeanine Richmond

Jeanine Richmond — Fri, 30 Sep 2011 02:46:05 +0000

My 40-year-old husband ran home to live with his parents two weeks after he had married me. His parents encouraged him to divorce me, and I was served divorce papers eight weeks after our wedding day. I didn’t see the red flag that he had been living at his parents’ home eventhough he owned a townhome. Perhaps, I didn’t get to know him well enough as we dated for only six months before we got married. What led to the him moving back home was that I got upset about the wedding and told him my feelings. One of the things that upset me was that we spent our wedding night in the same hotel as his parents and relatives. He had to call his dad all the time to see what his dad had to say about our discussions in front of me. His parents even came into our house to take all the wedding gifts that his relatives had given us. My ex-husband and his dad then continued to harass me and defame my character in e-mails. They even harassed my mother and brother too. They blamed the divorce on both my mom and me. I finally had to put a temporary restraining order on his dad and him so that the harassment would stop. Both of my therapists have said that he was enmeshed with his parents.

By: Pastor Lee

Pastor Lee — Sun, 07 Nov 2010 04:05:44 +0000

Dear Brother Mike,

What about families like those I often see as a Pastoral Counselor which, usually involving addictions, are somewhat the reverse of what you’re saying here? For instance, the family in which the parent(s) has, or has had an addiction and hasn’t always functioned as a ‘parent’ should, but instead functioned more like one of the children, and therefore caused one (or more) of the children to take on the role of parent. Usually the oldest child becomes overly responsible due to the lack of responsibility of the addicted parent(s), often raising the younger children, taking care of the home, fixing meals, etc., because the parent didn’t do their ‘job’. Later, as the children grow up, and even after the addicted parent enters recovery and begins to ‘grow-up’ a bit and take some parental responsibility, the eldest child has taken on the role of the parent’s parent even to the extent that the parent answers to the adult-child like a teen might answer to their parent. I see this often in single-mother families when the mother has or has had an addiction to drugs and/or alcohol, didn’t function properly as the parent and the eldest child begins to parent the parent. This results in a form of enmeshment which includes a parent who doesn’t seem to be able to make any major decisions without the eldest child’s approval, and the parent’s life is constantly being monitored and critiqued by the parental-child. — I could write an article on this ‘angle’, but perhaps you would like to? If you decide to, please forward a copy to me, if you would be so kind. Thank you, and thank you for working to educate people on the “sicknesses” often active within the family-unit of America.

God Bless you,
Pastor Lee

By: connie c. smith

connie c. smith — Sun, 09 May 2010 06:20:59 +0000

In addition to the above comment … I would like to add one important factor that evolves from an enmeshed family system:

”They never get sick”………….. The people around them do.

By: connie c. smith

connie c. smith — Sun, 09 May 2010 06:08:17 +0000

Preacher Mike;

I compliment you on your articles on the ”enmeshed family system”. However, I must challenge you .

The enmeshed family DOES know what they are doing sir. That is an integral part of the ”enmeshment glue” that keeps them together.

If you notice…. The enmeshed family ”uses” others for personal gain. They do this throughout their lifetime., and think nothing of it. It is a character issue.

They have ”learned to use others”. They ride on the shirt tails of others.

They DO know better. And for that……… I feel NO sympathy. Only ”pity”………………..

for they will NEVER find true happiness and contentment…. ever… and their children will suffer as well. Unless there is a ”spell breaker” in the enmeshed system…………… nothing will change.

By: connie c. smith

connie c. smith — Sun, 04 Apr 2010 21:14:58 +0000

There are many ways to ”deal” with an enmeshed dysfunctional narcissistic family.
1. you will NEVER change them
2. NEVER let them know your achille’s heel
3. HUMOR- humor will be part of you ”survival” kit
4. KNOWLEGDE- learn ALL you can about this type of family dynamic, ie: etiology….
this will take some time…..
5. POWER OF ADVERSITY – use it, empower yourself….. this will encourage you to stop feeling angry.
6. PULL UP ANCHOR- dock the ship with least amount of casualties

By: connie c. smith

connie c. smith — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 01:19:10 +0000

If you have married into an enmeshed family…………. your toast. You MUST know yourself well. Be stealth if there are children involved.

I will even give out my personal e-mail . I have been married to a man and his enmeshed family for 25 years. I finally left. Only because my kids were 3rd and 4th year college students. Connie Smith– divadare85@yahoo.com…. I have read 26 books and over 3,000 articles on the subject. I am an EXPERT.

By: HopeForYourFamily » Enmeshed vs Nurturing

HopeForYourFamily » Enmeshed vs Nurturing — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 02:54:55 +0000

[...] recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of [...]

By: Polly

Polly — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 02:49:23 +0000

I come from an enmeshed family. It is hard to break away and it is affecting my marriage. I know I need to pull away but always feel guilty when I do. I feel like I am not being true to myself(ironically).

By: Noble

Noble — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 06:38:49 +0000

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By: MW

MW — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:37:20 +0000

I just learned that I am part of an enmeshed family. Won’t go into too many details, but, the post is spot-on. I am working with a counselor to help me to become less enmeshed.

By: Millie Mae

Millie Mae — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:09:11 +0000

Mike: Please see my post on April 2008 re my husband and his adult son’s enmeshment. I must find a resolution or get out of this relationship. It gets worse and worse. I have come to the relalization that I am married (2nd) to an immature child…and his 28 year old son is his best buddy. As I said before- they drink beer together..they call each other numeraous times a day even when they have just been together all day. Husband bought a “hunting cabin” a few months back that was going to be for the entire family (his 3 and my 2 adult children)..well, guess who stays there almost every weekend with his wife?..guess who has a key to the outside storage building? guess who treats the place as if it is his alone ? You are right..his son. My children have to be “invited”. We have an argument almost every weekeend because of this..husband acts as if I have no say in this BUT husband decreased the monthly amount he was paying on our house payment, household expenses so that he could pay for this place. Husband pays this son 150-200. week to help him in his business part time but he cannot “afford” to pay more than 200-300.month on our household expenses. I know I am talking about 2 problems here but I am so angry…I am more angry at myself because I keep living in it. And as I said before..husband tells adult son EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING concerning our lief..my adult children’s life. I have to watch what I tell husband because I know he is going to tell his son..no matter how small it may be. Even tho husband has 2 other adult children and 2 adult step-children..he doesn’t even try to hide the one that he favors. It is sickening. We have seperated several times but always end up back together because I hate being alone. (That’s another problem.). I need some answers. Counseling is not an option..it would do no good…nothing (my leaving,etc) has ever made him be close to me instead of the son. And now tha tthe son is married…son’s wife is makes up the little 3 some.

By: Mia

Mia — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:47:38 +0000

Hi Mike, I stumbled upon your entry and found it very interesting. I am actually a product of an enmeshed family that consists of my divorced mother and I. My parents divorced when I was three so as you can imagine my mother and I are very close, but this closeness can at times become overwhelming and suppressing of my direction and the motivation to be my own person. I have, as a result, now become enmeshed in my relationship with my boyfriend and find it hard to ever be away from him or picture myself without him. I am working on my enmeshment issues on a daily basis and am very dedicated, my enmeshment issues have already begun to put holes into my otherwise healthy relationship and I know that to be a healthy, motivated, successful human-being I need to overcome these challenges. Do you have any advice?

Thanks Guys!

By: Caroline

Caroline — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:47:53 +0000

I am beginning to understand the devastating implications of an enmeshed family on my marriage and little boy. My mum calls any time of the day, drops in unannounced, expects constant contact (even when we’re on holiday) and undermines my sisters and our families with veiled comments about our ineptitude, depite considerable professional success. But what I struggle with is how to overcome this (even writing this feels like betrayal). My new husband and I moved far far away (as did my sister) but both families ended up moving back to within 10 miles of our hometown. I put this down to the fact that the enmeshing is an emotional not physical process. We always prided ourselves on our ‘together’ family and thought we were a great example of loyalty. These things are so hard to overcome, and I need help and prayers in dealing with this in a sensitive way, so that I can build in some time and space for my young family to flourish and nurture ourselves and each other. Thanks for the great post, I found it personally very helpful.

By: Bree

Bree — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:35:39 +0000

I have an interesting situation. I come from a healthy family, however my husband’s mother’s family is severely enmeshed. She really interferes in our marriage and even in the ways that we raise our son (6 months). I feel like I am suffocating most of the time…on top of all that, my husband has his own business, and she is there EVERY DAY. When I call him, she answers the phone. I could pull my hair out! She won’t let him grow up, be a husband and father, instead he is a SON first. She is very critical of me, sometimes borderline emotionally abusive, especially after our son was born. Her extended family is no better. I love my husband, but I am not sure how much I can take. I need to protect my son as well. Her latest move is trying to get him to call her mama!!! Help.

By: Scott

Scott — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:04:14 +0000

Mike

I needed to reread your post all over again. This type of dysfunctional family is really common and it is needed to be changed. Please leave this up so more people can read it and understand their families. I have learned so much about this from your site and other places on the internet. This is a ministry that is needed.

Scott