Comments on: Enmeshment

By: HopeForYourFamily » Enmeshed vs Nurturing

HopeForYourFamily » Enmeshed vs Nurturing — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 02:54:55 +0000

[...] recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of [...]

By: Polly

Polly — Sun, 09 Aug 2009 02:49:23 +0000

I come from an enmeshed family. It is hard to break away and it is affecting my marriage. I know I need to pull away but always feel guilty when I do. I feel like I am not being true to myself(ironically).

By: Noble

Noble — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 06:38:49 +0000

Hi all! The babes are here! This is my sexiest site to visit. I make sure I am alone in case I get too hot. Post your favorite link here.

By: MW

MW — Wed, 19 Nov 2008 14:37:20 +0000

I just learned that I am part of an enmeshed family. Won’t go into too many details, but, the post is spot-on. I am working with a counselor to help me to become less enmeshed.

By: Millie Mae

Millie Mae — Sun, 02 Nov 2008 22:09:11 +0000

Mike: Please see my post on April 2008 re my husband and his adult son’s enmeshment. I must find a resolution or get out of this relationship. It gets worse and worse. I have come to the relalization that I am married (2nd) to an immature child…and his 28 year old son is his best buddy. As I said before- they drink beer together..they call each other numeraous times a day even when they have just been together all day. Husband bought a “hunting cabin” a few months back that was going to be for the entire family (his 3 and my 2 adult children)..well, guess who stays there almost every weekend with his wife?..guess who has a key to the outside storage building? guess who treats the place as if it is his alone ? You are right..his son. My children have to be “invited”. We have an argument almost every weekeend because of this..husband acts as if I have no say in this BUT husband decreased the monthly amount he was paying on our house payment, household expenses so that he could pay for this place. Husband pays this son 150-200. week to help him in his business part time but he cannot “afford” to pay more than 200-300.month on our household expenses. I know I am talking about 2 problems here but I am so angry…I am more angry at myself because I keep living in it. And as I said before..husband tells adult son EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING concerning our lief..my adult children’s life. I have to watch what I tell husband because I know he is going to tell his son..no matter how small it may be. Even tho husband has 2 other adult children and 2 adult step-children..he doesn’t even try to hide the one that he favors. It is sickening. We have seperated several times but always end up back together because I hate being alone. (That’s another problem.). I need some answers. Counseling is not an option..it would do no good…nothing (my leaving,etc) has ever made him be close to me instead of the son. And now tha tthe son is married…son’s wife is makes up the little 3 some.

By: Mia

Mia — Sun, 24 Aug 2008 22:47:38 +0000

Hi Mike, I stumbled upon your entry and found it very interesting. I am actually a product of an enmeshed family that consists of my divorced mother and I. My parents divorced when I was three so as you can imagine my mother and I are very close, but this closeness can at times become overwhelming and suppressing of my direction and the motivation to be my own person. I have, as a result, now become enmeshed in my relationship with my boyfriend and find it hard to ever be away from him or picture myself without him. I am working on my enmeshment issues on a daily basis and am very dedicated, my enmeshment issues have already begun to put holes into my otherwise healthy relationship and I know that to be a healthy, motivated, successful human-being I need to overcome these challenges. Do you have any advice?

Thanks Guys!

By: Caroline

Caroline — Wed, 06 Aug 2008 14:47:53 +0000

I am beginning to understand the devastating implications of an enmeshed family on my marriage and little boy. My mum calls any time of the day, drops in unannounced, expects constant contact (even when we’re on holiday) and undermines my sisters and our families with veiled comments about our ineptitude, depite considerable professional success. But what I struggle with is how to overcome this (even writing this feels like betrayal). My new husband and I moved far far away (as did my sister) but both families ended up moving back to within 10 miles of our hometown. I put this down to the fact that the enmeshing is an emotional not physical process. We always prided ourselves on our ‘together’ family and thought we were a great example of loyalty. These things are so hard to overcome, and I need help and prayers in dealing with this in a sensitive way, so that I can build in some time and space for my young family to flourish and nurture ourselves and each other. Thanks for the great post, I found it personally very helpful.

By: Bree

Bree — Mon, 28 Jul 2008 23:35:39 +0000

I have an interesting situation. I come from a healthy family, however my husband’s mother’s family is severely enmeshed. She really interferes in our marriage and even in the ways that we raise our son (6 months). I feel like I am suffocating most of the time…on top of all that, my husband has his own business, and she is there EVERY DAY. When I call him, she answers the phone. I could pull my hair out! She won’t let him grow up, be a husband and father, instead he is a SON first. She is very critical of me, sometimes borderline emotionally abusive, especially after our son was born. Her extended family is no better. I love my husband, but I am not sure how much I can take. I need to protect my son as well. Her latest move is trying to get him to call her mama!!! Help.

By: Scott

Scott — Fri, 18 Jul 2008 19:04:14 +0000

Mike

I needed to reread your post all over again. This type of dysfunctional family is really common and it is needed to be changed. Please leave this up so more people can read it and understand their families. I have learned so much about this from your site and other places on the internet. This is a ministry that is needed.

Scott

By: Glenn

Glenn — Wed, 02 Jul 2008 18:30:39 +0000

I just finished reading the post and several of the comments, and it breaks my heart about what others are going through.

I have high suspicions I am enmeshed, and it leads to an uncomfortable quality of life.

By: Mike

Mike — Sun, 22 Jun 2008 16:02:01 +0000

Wow

I am learning more about my family and the dsyfunction that is ongoing. Does anyone else feel like communication is being withheld. The more it is withheld the more I want this. I so much agree that they cannot see what is going on. They will say they are buying land for their son to farm, when it is really about themselves. We should pray for them that Jesus will change their hearts so they will see what is going on. I would rather spend time with my church family. The Lord is helping me understand and will eventually work through this. Jesus loves us and will answer prayers and make a way through our problems.

By: Nat

Nat — Sat, 14 Jun 2008 13:31:59 +0000

I’m so glad to have stumbled upon this article and all of the comments. I was thinking that I was in the Twilight Zone, as my husband has no idea that his behavior and that of his family is damaging and dysfunctional. We are getting divorced over this after only 3 years of marriage and 2 small children. He also has conversations about me without me and gauges everything he does with what his family will think. When I became pregnant with our 2nd son, he was so distraught, cried, and worst-yet, refused to acknowledge my pregnancy. He finally admitted it was because he was afraid of what his family would think. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and apparantly, his mother told him to never have more than two children because the world is over-populated. I guess our boys were doomed from the start. The whole family decided to crash our family vacation without telling us and even took off work to do so. They snickered and thought themselves oh so clever as they not only basked in their glory but refused to acknowledge my 6 month pregnant belly and then proceeded to shame my step-children and husband from speaking about the coming baby. Who finds this behavior OK? I asked my husband to turn to God with me but he mocks me and laughs…. so sad because he is losing the one woman who would have done anything for him and his dreams, the one who loved him without boundaries… I just asked for some for us.

By: Millie Mae

Millie Mae — Fri, 18 Apr 2008 16:14:06 +0000

Finally, I can put a name to the hell of an expereince with my husband/adult stepson who are “best friends”, who drink together, call each other 5-12 times (a day even after being together during that day),insist on spending at least one day of the weekend together, keep secrets from me and everyone else in the family (secrets like what he pays this boy in cash at his business so that I will not know the amt),husband telling him EVERYTHING we do or say..even the most trivial stuff; husband deeding him property so I have no right to it. Not only is this happening to me but husband also does his own adult daughter the same way. The difference he makes between this son and his daughter is so sad. I even had to forcefully remove son from the room to have argument with father..because he insisted on staying to back-up his father. This son is married with small children. How does his wife cope?? She drinks, socializes with the two of them. I have to escape this for my own sanity.

By: Hope-For-Your-Family » Enmeshed vs Nurturing

Hope-For-Your-Family » Enmeshed vs Nurturing — Mon, 11 Feb 2008 15:21:27 +0000

[...] recently found this old post from Mike Cope’s blog, and wanted to share it with you here. It is a well written perspective on the concept of [...]

By: Clare

Clare — Thu, 31 Jan 2008 13:50:54 +0000

WOW…great thread, here. My stepdaughter is enmeshed not only with her mentally-ill mother, but her mentally-ill grandmother, as well. Both the mother and grandmother were diagnosed with psychological problems, but both refuse any sort of treatment. I fear for my stepdaughter–she is slowly being cut off from the world. I have watched her change from a girl who was excited about life, kind, and empathetic to someone who “hates men” (including her father), puts people down constantly, and has a decidedly negative view of the world (I think her mother’s/grandmother’s views that “the world is out to get me” has permeated this poor child’s mind). I think one of the things that amazes me most about the situation is that mom professes to be a “good Christian” and is able to maintain that facade while teaching her daughter that it is perfectly fine, if not expected, for her NOT to honor her father!! This has been very sad to witness, and I see my husband’s pain every time he tries to get in touch with his daughter. He is a good dad, and he is being systematically erased from his daughter’s life. I cannot believe these people have the audacity to call themselves “Christians” while promoting hate and avoidance as a way to handle conflict. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give you an example of the damage that can be done when family members are enmeshed.