Enmeshment
As a full-time minister since 1982, I’ve had a front row seat to see lots of nurturing families and lots of enmeshed families.
What’s strange is that they often look alike — at least on the surface. But they are very different.
A nurturing family is one that empowers family members to have a strong sense of self. Children are loved and drawn into the nurturing center of the family–but without losing their sense of self and outward mission.
In an enmeshed family, children are loved and drawn into the center–but often at the expense of their sense of self and outward mission.
Sound like gobbledygook?
All right. Here it is.
In an enmeshed family system (which is more common than you might imagine), parents are dependent on each other and/or their children to make them whole, happy, and loved. In biblical terms, it’s a form of idolatry: trying to find life in someone or something other than God.
When a family is always together, that can be because they are a source of great nurturing and love. But often it’s because a system of enmeshment has been formed where family members are discouraged from having other relationships, from expressing their individuality, and from expressing their missional instincts outside the family. They would never say that, of course, and almost surely don’t know it. But the parents need-to-be-needed and love-to-be-loved to an extent that they keep their children corralled emotionally and/or physically.
Have you ever been around a family where no one else (no Bible school teacher, no coach, etc.) is trusted enough to help guide?
Have you ever seen a family where the children are made to feel guilty when they aren’t around for birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or other special occasions?
Have you seen a family implode because grown children decided to attend another church?
Have you ever heard sound waves of guilt because a child (or parent) didn’t write enough, call enough, visit enough, or perform well enough?
Sometimes those families that seem the strongest to us because they’re so close or always together are the ones that are sickest. (Not always, of course.) Families where people are made to feel guilty when they don’t follow unwritten behaviors can be the most damaging of all.
It’s a sign of health when children form other relationships, when they start to make decisions for themselves, when they don’t have to be home to be happy.
As parents, we have the important job of nurturing our children–pouring love into deep places of their hearts–while allowing them to be individuals who turn themselves to God alone for life.
Differentiation is such a wonderful word. We do our best job as parents when we teach kids to “hold onto themselves” in this world — to live before God as the source of real life while being in community with others without being enmeshed in those relationships.
If you were nurtured by parents who always let you be you; if you are able to miss family members when you’re apart without feeling endlessly homesick; and if you are able to connect without being made to feel guilty about failures to connect enough –GIVE THANKS! A nurturing family is a wonderful gift.
Great post, Mike (and it goes for church families, too).
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I think you’re right about how similar these families may appear from the outside. But it’s a frightening thing to be in the path of an enmeshed family. Don’t we all know what it’s like to have enmeshed families who are never happy at church (or school)? Nothing’s quite good enough or right enough for their children. Children are afraid to make their own choices; they’re immobilized when they go off to college or get married and have to live apart. We smile at how loving a family is when a child drives back every weekend or when a daughter has to call her mom every single day. But that may be a sign of big, big trouble.
My Dad told me when my first child was born, that my job was to give them roots and wings. I think that’s a great way to look at parenting.
Ed
Another type of family is the abusive family. In the church context, they may be consided a nurturing family because of how the family appears on the outside. The mother may be a Bible class teacher and the dad may become an elder. The family secret is well protected because fear.
Families happen on a continuum. I use the water analogy when talking about them. The only way to break water is to freeze it and then apply stress. Rigid or emeshed families are like ice. They have no allowances for differences or uniqueness.
Families on the other end of the continuum are those who have no structure. Like pouring water on the ground. It is absorbed by the ground and you can’t tell where the family begins and ends.
Healthy families are like swimming pools. They have a solid sense of boundaries and who is in and who is out. But someone can jump and do a great big cannon ball in the middle of the pool and most of the water stays put. There is room within the boundaries for the waves to go back and forth until thinks calm back down.
Healthy families have boundaries and room to move.
I grew up in a close family. Not totally healthy, but not totally enmeshed either. My mother has always had a great way of “trying” to make us feel guilty and I found myself doing some of the same things at times with my own kids. I remember once when my youngest even suggested to me that it was not her job to make me happy! That stung but made me look at what I was doing! Of course, at the time she was in high school and I saw it as a smart mouth at first! Then I looked closer and suddenly realized I had become my mother!
So…..I have worked very hard to not enmesh my family. That meant telling my kids two rules when they chose to move to the city where we live. I would not keep the grandkids while they worked. I wanted to be grandma, not the care taker. I would keep them at other times, but not every day! And the second was they had to find their own church home. They could not go to church with us!
We keep the g-kids some nights and enjoy their company when we want and when they want! They did place membership somewhere else, but eventually migrated to church with us. That has been okay and they seem happy because of it.
I like the water analogy. Setting boundaries is so important and yet hard to do to the people closest to us. We don’t want to hurt feelings but most of the time, feelings are hurt most when we don’t set the boundaries. We just don’t see it that way.
Thanks for the reminder that families need closeness without enmeshment, even in church families.
Excellent post. It’s funny that you used “gobbledygook”. This is one of those crazy words I always remembered from reading Snuffy Smith in the Daily.
Mike,
You brought back memories of Kerr and Bowman as well as “Everybody Loves Raymond,” two excellent commentaries on enmeshment and differentiation.
Dave–you are right about abusive families. Lori and I work with this area and churches have not been able to address this becauses they do look so normal on the outside.
Bottom line–its about control. Enmeshed families don’t empower the members–they control them and make others overfunction. Differentiated families operate out of trust because they themselves have a healthy self esteem and personal acceptance.
A great book to support James’ comment is Richardsons’ book on the church as a family. Enmeshed churches also have control issues.
Mike–thanks for reminding me that counseling class was worth the time.
Wow. I’ve never thought of it in that way. Very interesting, especially when considering it from my psychology/social work background.
I’m lucky to have come from a family where I have been able to be very independent and have family members who encourage it and are proud of me for it.
As a family, we pride ourselves in what each of our members is able to go out and do (independently), whether it be succeed in a new career path, or move to a new city and form many new relationships. And instead of guilting one another for it, we respect and honor each other. We encourage one another to branch out and flourish.
This “enmeshed family” is interesting to me. With this definition that you have given it, I can think of families I know like that. In a sense it is like as a whole, they are all keeping one another “sick.”
And like you said, if they are not aware of it, as most are not, they will simply continue to keep one another “sick.”
And what’s even more interesting is how the issues that might arise because of the enmeshment ARE recognized by the family unit, they are unaware of the root of the cause for them, which is the enmeshing behaviors.
Nice blog, Mike! It’s a real thinker!
I agree with most everything you said but I do not experience God in a vacuum. I experience God through my relationships with my family and my community. I cannot make that leap of faith and rely on the man in the sky who looks like father time and has a loud voice but never speaks to me. I guess I am enmeshed in the relationships which demonstrate God to me. I guess I am faulty.
I should not be the center of anyone’s universe. I fully agree we should let our children and friends be themselves and nurture this within them. But take this too far and it promotes individualism where it is all about individuality and none about the family or community.
I expect my children to be present at my wife’s/their mother’s birthday. I will not make them feel guilty but I will be very disappointed if they cannot show the people who love them some respect because they want to be at a friend’s house.
I agree with you completely Mike. I’ve said for years that parents either try to raise their children to be good adults or they raise them to be good kids. It’s sad to see adults who stll live at or near their parents house, still tied to them emotionally and or financially. This is not only unhealthy for the children, it hobbles any future marriage they may have.
The Bible likens children to arrows. Arrows were not made for the quiver. They were ment to be released to fly to their target. This needs to be discussed much more.
Mike, when you are talking about parents who “always let you be you”, I assume you are talking about kids who are young adults or adults. I taught school for 16 years, and one of the biggest challenges we had in the classroom was dealing with kids who had never been disciplined, sometimes because of parents who took the approach of “letting you be you”. I have seen the result of parents who always let their children “be you”, and most of the time it is not a pretty picture. For sure, there is a time in a child’s life when “letting you be you” is healthy and beneficial. But it evolves to that……it doesn’t start from the git-go. I love Steve’s anaolgy of the swimming pool. You can be you, as long as you stay within the confines of the pool.
Enmeshed families are a tragedy. We should do all we can to prevent our families or those we see around us from becoming enmeshed. Having said that, I don’t believe our teachers see themselves on the battlefield because of too many enmeshed children. It’s the other extreme that they face day in and day out……the parent or parents who take no or very little interest in their child is the battle they face everyday. Ask them: “what is the biggest mountain you climb everyday”? I am pretty sure it will be the challenge of trying to teach kids who have very little parental guidance and love.
Both extremes are terrible. But one extreme is an epidemic.
Mike,
Thank you for your post today! I feel very blessed to have been raised by two parents who encouraged discovery, affirmation, and nurturing. The presence of the Spirit has always been welcomed and embraced in our home and Grant and I were encouraged and led to find fulfillment and worth in a relationship with Christ. Thank you Mom and Daddy for being Jesus to us
Okay, okay, I give up! My son can go to his best friend’s wedding instead of attending our family reunion this year. And we can always reschedule my 50th birthday. : )And frankly, I am okay with that.
But I agree with Leland. There are times when it is important to honor those who nurtured us and to teach our children to do the same.
All too often, we will attend events that we think will increase our personal power at the expense of family. That may be a different type of idolatry or enmeshment.
Honor is only really honor when it is freely given. It cannot be coerced.
As James alluded to in the first comment, I was immediately struck with how this applies to church families. “Nurturing” has become a four-letter word to me in the last year, as our church has discussed ad nauseam what it means to be a nurturing family. After reading your thoughts today, I am struck with the idea that those who cry that a church family is not nurturing enough, may actually be asking for an enmeshed family. I would image that our families of origin would totally influence how we view a “healthy” church family.
Friends – I haven’t had access to a computer today, and I just now have a quick chance to read comments. Wonderful, insightful feedback. I’ll try to be more specific later. And YES — the same thing applies to congregational families!
Mike, I loved the Folgers’ commercial a few years ago that said the job of parents (and grandparents too) is to “teach our children to grow up and be responsible adults and parents.” This includes equiping them to be able to leave and function in the world when it’s time to go AND knowing when it’s time to go. My mother would have like to have had an enmeshed family, but we were fortunate that my Dad understood the need to take responsibility for our lives and our decisions. It truly is a qustion of power and control. And it’s very prevalent in the church from both sides.
I just sat down and read this to my husband.
In our first marriages, our situations were both enmeshed, and we tried to break the mold and be nuturing but we were not permitted to let our children be themselves.
It is freeing to be in a relationship that is healthy and free from control and guilt.
I never really thought about this in the terms you described, and I appreciate you Mike for sharing and teaching me.
Ouch! I probably grew up in a dysfunctional family and given the way my marriage ended up probably raised my kids in one as well. It is a true blessing from God that they ended up as well as they did. If you are enmeshed, how do you get unmeshed?
Great insights.
This quickly . . . Wisdom of recognizes that things are not always either/or. There is a spectrum. Probably many families struggle with this. They’re healthy and nurturing in some ways and enmeshed in other ways. (Move to the other end of the spectrum and you have families that are distant and disengaged.)
Our goal is always to nurture our children without being needy, to learn to release them, and to offer them a strong sense of self (who turns to God alone for life).
How do you get unenmeshed?
You usually need the help of spiritual guides and friends. You need the loving, trusting insight of some who can observe with a bit of distance from the system.
It is not easy. One of the problems is that the church is so affirming of those “sweet families” that love each other so much where this destructive system is so evident.
First, we have to look inward and see where we are getting our deepest strokes of affirmation. Are we able to “hold onto ourselves” by relating first and foremost to God? When someone attacks us, are we able to listen to them, validate what they say (which doesn’t mean to agree with them), and to explore their words? Are do we feel when our spouse or kids are a bit distant from us? Do we trust other adults to teach, coach, and nurture our children?
Then, we need someone helping us look at the system. The goal is to be nurturing (rather than enmeshed or distant). We want our kids to know they are deeply loved; but they also need to know that they aren’t responsible for making us whole and happy. They are allowed to be with others, to have friends, to have strong opinions, to be close to other adults, and (as they age) to have physical distance from us.
Again, as I just wrote, this is a spectrum. It takes much discernment and assistance from trusted friends and spiritual guides (including therapists).
This is a great discussion. I came from a dysfunctional family and while I was studying about being baptized I was cutting my teeth on Luke 14:25-33 (the passage that calls us to love Jesus more than our families). If it were not for that (and Matt. 10:34-38) I would have spent years trying to please my non-Christian family.
Yet–I see so many Christian families today that do not prepare their children to leave and cleave to Jesus. Some of the missionaries I have spoken with have told me that parents are the most discouraging to those planning to go on the mission field. “When am I going to see my grandbabies…?”
As parents we have to prepare our children to choose Jesus, on their own. We need to prepare them to choose the college that will help them glorify God. We need to prepare them to live on their own. We need to prepare them to choose a church that helps them grow in the faith.
I think enmeshed families tend to do the choosing for the children.
Ron Clark
Graet post. I think the first commenter was exactly right when saying it goes for church familes as well. Thank you.
KMiV…AMEN.
This is great! My parents trusted God enough to send me 1000 miles to ACU. I found a Christian husband and we have a life with each other & our children in a town away from both of our parents. Although we do miss them and wish we could be together more often, we both find value in having our own “space.”
This is deep… I am in the process of figuring out whether or not I am going to divorce or stay married to my husband, and though this description is about families, I can SO relate to it with regard to my marriage.
In the beginning my husband and I were INSEPARABLE!!! We went and did EVERYWHERE AND EVERYTHING together!!! EVERYTHING!!! When I would hang out with other friends he made me feel INTENSELY guilty for not going out with him. He would constantly complain that people always asked where I was all night. I started to feel smothered and cornered. When I rebelled, and began to decline nearly EVERY invitation, he built a wall between us that we are now deciding if we should try to break down or leave it alone and walk away…
In counseling sessions (I have them alone with my pastor) he mentioned that I am ‘overfunctioning’ in my marriage. The ironic thing is that my husband thinks I am underfunctioning and CONSTANTLY derides me and makes me feel inadequate.
What’s remarkable is that I never knew that the pattern we set in the beginning, was UNHEALTHY and we didn’t even know it.
Right now I’m struggling, with what seems like getting out of quicksand to discover myself.
This is a really hard process.
Im dating a woman who has a enmeshed family. They call every day late at night and we have no priviacy. Its causing problems in our relationship. She has 5 children and i have none.
Your words were so concise I read your post to my husband. We are both children of alcoholics. At the advice of therapists and most others who know my family, I have had no choice but to disengage entirely and focus on God as the center of my life. The problem is even harder to deal with when you have five siblings and two living parents – that’s seven of them with the same enmeshed mind set against me. It’s a no-win because they can’t see it and won’t change. And it’s always tough around the holidays because you miss them, but to return to that unhealthy environment invites self destruction! Thanks again.
Google is the best search engine
I am so relieved to find out there is actually a word that describes family members that are so engrossed in each other and their business. The old cliche when you marry your spouse, you also marry their family…..this couldn’t be truer than in an enmeshed family and it’s highly destructive!
I am married to a man that comes from a totally enmeshed family and he doesn’t see it. I should have recognized it when we were dating. His sister wanted to take a trip with us and he begged me…she came. I had back surgery and was in the hospital – no family in the area, and I waited all day for my then-boyfriend to come see me. He stayed all of 15 minutes because his mother was making New England dinner and the whole family was coming over. When our second child (another girl) was born, he called his dad and the first thing he says was “I’m sorry dad, we had another girl.” He’s invited his family to come stay with us without discussion or that they were even coming. He wanted his thief g niece to stay with us until I put my foot down…..no blood is going to be allowed to stay when they’ve stolen from other blood kin.
I know that in my 18 yrs. of marriage, I have not always been first – his grown adult family has dumped issues on him, of which he readily accepts as helping but does these tasks from cradle to grave. He took this job over after the eldest one died. My father-in-law asked (the day after his brother committed suicide with the father’s handgun)…who’s going to take care of me?” Meanwhile the deadbeat father never came to any graduations, little league games….poor old dad….a worthless cud. Excuse me for being cynical but this family has ruined me. I am an outsider along with my other related in-laws to this enmeshed family. Any discussions are “theirs” and none of anyone else business. They even take vacations together (only the siblings). They are secretive amongst each other leaving the in-laws out of discussions. They make plans to get together “just them” on the anniversary of their brother’s suicide death. Does anyone else find this disgusting? Wouldn’t one say this is extremely sick behavior? Several of them are alcoholics and severely enabling each other. I am so sad and the one seeing a counselor.
Please pray for me and our girls that we can eventually leave this mess.
Through the help of a Therapist, I have gained insight into the fact that I am a product of an enmeshed family. Half of the battle is figuring out what the problem is and the other half is learning how to manage it. I have had much success by keeping distance both physically and emotionally, being objective, and not reacting in an emotional way. You have to realize that you can’t change the enmeshed family, you can only change yourself and how you react to them.
Mike, I just found your post and am sitting here in tears thinking “This is us!” I’m 25 and my relationship with my parents has been falling apart – today, they told me they don’t want me to come to Christmas this year because they’re so hurt and angry with me.
We’re dealing with serious problems as a result of enmeshment, and I don’t know how to help us get out of this cycle. We’ve been to a counselor a few times, but everyone gets so angry so fast and we just keep hurting each other. Do you have any books or literature you suggest I read and/or pass on to my family to help us?
Thanks,
Betsy
Betsy-I have a comment above yours that I made recently. I just read your comment. It is very frustrating dealing with the enmeshed family because they just don’t get it. You can’t change them. You have to see a Psychologist by yourself and learn how to manage this. I have done it myself and it has worked. I recall when I first started therapy 2 years ago and my Therapist saying, ‘I don’t recommend that you bring your parents’. Well, he was right. I have learned from him that you can’t change your parents. You can only change yourself and how you react. After 2+ years of going to therapy with the support of my wife, I have succeeded at breaking away from the enmeshment. It takes time, so you have to be patient.
As far as books, look into Murray Bowen, MD, a well known Psychiatrist, now deceased, who is a guru in the topic of the enmeshed family. There is a website that discusses his theory. I would recommend going to the website.
I wish you luck!
Scott
WOW…great thread, here. My stepdaughter is enmeshed not only with her mentally-ill mother, but her mentally-ill grandmother, as well. Both the mother and grandmother were diagnosed with psychological problems, but both refuse any sort of treatment. I fear for my stepdaughter–she is slowly being cut off from the world. I have watched her change from a girl who was excited about life, kind, and empathetic to someone who “hates men” (including her father), puts people down constantly, and has a decidedly negative view of the world (I think her mother’s/grandmother’s views that “the world is out to get me” has permeated this poor child’s mind). I think one of the things that amazes me most about the situation is that mom professes to be a “good Christian” and is able to maintain that facade while teaching her daughter that it is perfectly fine, if not expected, for her NOT to honor her father!! This has been very sad to witness, and I see my husband’s pain every time he tries to get in touch with his daughter. He is a good dad, and he is being systematically erased from his daughter’s life. I cannot believe these people have the audacity to call themselves “Christians” while promoting hate and avoidance as a way to handle conflict. Sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to give you an example of the damage that can be done when family members are enmeshed.
Finally, I can put a name to the hell of an expereince with my husband/adult stepson who are “best friends”, who drink together, call each other 5-12 times (a day even after being together during that day),insist on spending at least one day of the weekend together, keep secrets from me and everyone else in the family (secrets like what he pays this boy in cash at his business so that I will not know the amt),husband telling him EVERYTHING we do or say..even the most trivial stuff; husband deeding him property so I have no right to it. Not only is this happening to me but husband also does his own adult daughter the same way. The difference he makes between this son and his daughter is so sad. I even had to forcefully remove son from the room to have argument with father..because he insisted on staying to back-up his father. This son is married with small children. How does his wife cope?? She drinks, socializes with the two of them. I have to escape this for my own sanity.
I’m so glad to have stumbled upon this article and all of the comments. I was thinking that I was in the Twilight Zone, as my husband has no idea that his behavior and that of his family is damaging and dysfunctional. We are getting divorced over this after only 3 years of marriage and 2 small children. He also has conversations about me without me and gauges everything he does with what his family will think. When I became pregnant with our 2nd son, he was so distraught, cried, and worst-yet, refused to acknowledge my pregnancy. He finally admitted it was because he was afraid of what his family would think. He has 2 children from a previous marriage and apparantly, his mother told him to never have more than two children because the world is over-populated. I guess our boys were doomed from the start. The whole family decided to crash our family vacation without telling us and even took off work to do so. They snickered and thought themselves oh so clever as they not only basked in their glory but refused to acknowledge my 6 month pregnant belly and then proceeded to shame my step-children and husband from speaking about the coming baby. Who finds this behavior OK? I asked my husband to turn to God with me but he mocks me and laughs…. so sad because he is losing the one woman who would have done anything for him and his dreams, the one who loved him without boundaries… I just asked for some for us.
Wow
I am learning more about my family and the dsyfunction that is ongoing. Does anyone else feel like communication is being withheld. The more it is withheld the more I want this. I so much agree that they cannot see what is going on. They will say they are buying land for their son to farm, when it is really about themselves. We should pray for them that Jesus will change their hearts so they will see what is going on. I would rather spend time with my church family. The Lord is helping me understand and will eventually work through this. Jesus loves us and will answer prayers and make a way through our problems.
I just finished reading the post and several of the comments, and it breaks my heart about what others are going through.
I have high suspicions I am enmeshed, and it leads to an uncomfortable quality of life.
Mike
I needed to reread your post all over again. This type of dysfunctional family is really common and it is needed to be changed. Please leave this up so more people can read it and understand their families. I have learned so much about this from your site and other places on the internet. This is a ministry that is needed.
Scott
I have an interesting situation. I come from a healthy family, however my husband’s mother’s family is severely enmeshed. She really interferes in our marriage and even in the ways that we raise our son (6 months). I feel like I am suffocating most of the time…on top of all that, my husband has his own business, and she is there EVERY DAY. When I call him, she answers the phone. I could pull my hair out! She won’t let him grow up, be a husband and father, instead he is a SON first. She is very critical of me, sometimes borderline emotionally abusive, especially after our son was born. Her extended family is no better. I love my husband, but I am not sure how much I can take. I need to protect my son as well. Her latest move is trying to get him to call her mama!!! Help.
I am beginning to understand the devastating implications of an enmeshed family on my marriage and little boy. My mum calls any time of the day, drops in unannounced, expects constant contact (even when we’re on holiday) and undermines my sisters and our families with veiled comments about our ineptitude, depite considerable professional success. But what I struggle with is how to overcome this (even writing this feels like betrayal). My new husband and I moved far far away (as did my sister) but both families ended up moving back to within 10 miles of our hometown. I put this down to the fact that the enmeshing is an emotional not physical process. We always prided ourselves on our ‘together’ family and thought we were a great example of loyalty. These things are so hard to overcome, and I need help and prayers in dealing with this in a sensitive way, so that I can build in some time and space for my young family to flourish and nurture ourselves and each other. Thanks for the great post, I found it personally very helpful.
Hi Mike, I stumbled upon your entry and found it very interesting. I am actually a product of an enmeshed family that consists of my divorced mother and I. My parents divorced when I was three so as you can imagine my mother and I are very close, but this closeness can at times become overwhelming and suppressing of my direction and the motivation to be my own person. I have, as a result, now become enmeshed in my relationship with my boyfriend and find it hard to ever be away from him or picture myself without him. I am working on my enmeshment issues on a daily basis and am very dedicated, my enmeshment issues have already begun to put holes into my otherwise healthy relationship and I know that to be a healthy, motivated, successful human-being I need to overcome these challenges. Do you have any advice?
Thanks Guys!
Mike: Please see my post on April 2008 re my husband and his adult son’s enmeshment. I must find a resolution or get out of this relationship. It gets worse and worse. I have come to the relalization that I am married (2nd) to an immature child…and his 28 year old son is his best buddy. As I said before- they drink beer together..they call each other numeraous times a day even when they have just been together all day. Husband bought a “hunting cabin” a few months back that was going to be for the entire family (his 3 and my 2 adult children)..well, guess who stays there almost every weekend with his wife?..guess who has a key to the outside storage building? guess who treats the place as if it is his alone ? You are right..his son. My children have to be “invited”. We have an argument almost every weekeend because of this..husband acts as if I have no say in this BUT husband decreased the monthly amount he was paying on our house payment, household expenses so that he could pay for this place. Husband pays this son 150-200. week to help him in his business part time but he cannot “afford” to pay more than 200-300.month on our household expenses. I know I am talking about 2 problems here but I am so angry…I am more angry at myself because I keep living in it. And as I said before..husband tells adult son EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING concerning our lief..my adult children’s life. I have to watch what I tell husband because I know he is going to tell his son..no matter how small it may be. Even tho husband has 2 other adult children and 2 adult step-children..he doesn’t even try to hide the one that he favors. It is sickening. We have seperated several times but always end up back together because I hate being alone. (That’s another problem.). I need some answers. Counseling is not an option..it would do no good…nothing (my leaving,etc) has ever made him be close to me instead of the son. And now tha tthe son is married…son’s wife is makes up the little 3 some.
I just learned that I am part of an enmeshed family. Won’t go into too many details, but, the post is spot-on. I am working with a counselor to help me to become less enmeshed.
Hi all! The babes are here! This is my sexiest site to visit. I make sure I am alone in case I get too hot. Post your favorite link here.
I come from an enmeshed family. It is hard to break away and it is affecting my marriage. I know I need to pull away but always feel guilty when I do. I feel like I am not being true to myself(ironically).
If you have married into an enmeshed family…………. your toast. You MUST know yourself well. Be stealth if there are children involved.
I will even give out my personal e-mail . I have been married to a man and his enmeshed family for 25 years. I finally left. Only because my kids were 3rd and 4th year college students. Connie Smith– divadare85@yahoo.com…. I have read 26 books and over 3,000 articles on the subject. I am an EXPERT.
There are many ways to ”deal” with an enmeshed dysfunctional narcissistic family.
1. you will NEVER change them
2. NEVER let them know your achille’s heel
3. HUMOR- humor will be part of you ”survival” kit
4. KNOWLEGDE- learn ALL you can about this type of family dynamic, ie: etiology….
this will take some time…..
5. POWER OF ADVERSITY – use it, empower yourself….. this will encourage you to stop feeling angry.
6. PULL UP ANCHOR- dock the ship with least amount of casualties